Birthday Wishes

Today is our friend Brandy's birthday. [Happy birthday by the way!] I mentioned to Charlie that I didn't really care about what we did or didn't do for my birthday this year, so long as I had a decent day. And let's face it... it's not hard to make it a decent day in comparison to my birthday last year where my ex husband decided he didn't like my attitude and literally punished me by sending me to my bedroom. Yeah.. wish I were joking.

Every year, my best friend Chris makes me dinner - or at least, that's the general plan. It's usually me telling him "Hey, you owe me birthday dinner" and I go to his house to hang out and eat food and once upon a story, I used to stay the night and sleep on his couch. Incidentally, this can occur whether it be September (my birth month) or any other month of the year. Last year was no exception except for once, I planned to go hang out with him on my actual birthday because it wasn't like my ex husband was going to do a damn thing for me. Of course then my husband punished me and I wasn't allowed to go.

Well Charlie knows all of this. He knows that way back in the day I had a thing for Chris. He knows I've slept over on his couch a multitude of times. But yet he looks at me and here's how the conversation goes...

"You can even go hang out with Chris on your birthday if you want and sleep over."
"Heeeeelllllll naw.. I'm a married woman!"
"Well that didn't stop you from sleeping over at his house while you were married to Joe."
-----Pause-----
"Well that was different. I'm happily married now and I don't feel the need to get out of the house to get away from anyone."

Oops. I guess Charlie does have a point. That is pretty bad that I did that but nothing really happened. Either way, I don't think it's appropriate for me to go sleep over at another man's house - even if he's okay with it. I remember when Joe and I were dating and I went to hang out with Chris one night and he drove me home and I didn't let him come inside to use the bathroom. Joe didn't know him and it didn't feel right. *shrugs*

We don't really have the money to do anything big this year. In fact, I'm pretty sure Charlie will have to work. I just want to be able to have a nice day. I want it to be a happy day that I get to spend with him and Hailey. That's all I really need.

[By the way, my birthday isn't until September 14th so we've got a ways to go yet.]

World of Warcraft (And Why It Sucks)

My last blog got me thinking about one woman in particular that I used to be friends with. I know what I just said about stalking, but I will defend myself and say that I read her blogs because I really was concerned for her. I'm not judging her whatsoever and I don't hate her or anything like that.

I remember a good while back, this woman [we'll call her "Elle"] had come to me because her husband wanted to play World of Warcraft. Like my ex-husband, hers was in the military and sought to play this game with his other military buddies. She came to me, because she knew of the serious issues I was having in my own marriage regarding this game. I cautioned her not to allow him to play it.

Some of you are probably asking yourselves why. Some of you sadly know the reason because you've probably experienced it all for yourselves. World of Warcraft [we'll call it WoW from now on] is what I atribute at least 95% of the problems in my previous marriage to. It was the starting point for everything and usually the reason for argument. Don't get me wrong - my ex-husband's addictive personality played a key role as well and I can't blame everything on the game, but still it had a lot to do with the problem.

My ex husband Joe became horribly addicted to this game. I'm a gamer myself and I have played WoW myself - both before, during and even after it became a problem. But unlike him, I knew when to quit. I knew when to turn the game off. I left my computer when Hailey needed me. I was the one tending to her needs. I didn't let it consume my time, thoughts and energy the way he did.

Some of the lowest points in my marriage to him, were on the days he played WoW for 24+ hours straight. I only wish I were exaggerating. He became completely obsessed. WoW was all he ever talked about any more. Even in the early days of his addiction when I managed to get him away from his computer and out of the house, five minutes couldn't pass without him talking about the game. He talked about it from the moment his eyes open to the time he closed them - and often even in his sleep. He stopped hanging out with any of his friends - unless of course they played WoW too and he just hung out with them on the game instead. He stopped befriending people who didn't play. During the times he actually had to go to work [which by the way, was RARE] he spent a lot of it talking to guys who play WoW.

It got really out of hand. He got really violent, abusive and uncaring towards me or to Hailey. He literally spent every waking moment possible on this game. Sadly, there are more details I could share, but I'm not going to. It makes me absolutely sick when I think about all of it. I have a huge knot in my stomache as I write this.

The point is, "Elle" knew what I'd been through. She'd heard all of my stories. But yet for some reason, she chanced it and she told her husband he could play anyways. She gave him rules. She gave him conditions. He broke every one of them and now they are getting divorced.

Shocking. [Insert hint of sarcasm here]

But I guess I can't judge. I allowed Charlie to play it after we got together. Hell, I even played it with him. It was like night and day. Charlie always logged off at an appropriate hour - he knew what time he had to be up for work. He did other things with me. We still went out as a family. We still ate dinner together at an actual table. We played for maybe a couple of hours per night [trust me... it's difficult to get anything accomplished without spending at least an hour doing something]. Point is, I realize not all people become that obsessed with it. Personality and discipline have a lot to do with it.

But the fact that she was even concerned and even thought it might cause a problem... she should have followed her gut on that one. I feel bad for her. I know what it's like and how much it hurts. We may not be friends any more, but I do wish I could take that away for her.

My Online Stalkers

What kind of blog would this be if it didn't include some drama at some point? I have a live feed and I do watch it. I won't single the person out by pointing out which location it is that I know belongs to a certain someone, but I hope they realize that I see them and know they are for whatever reason, stalking me.

Ya see, I posted the link to my blog in a few locations - one of which happened to be on my Status Message on MySpace. The first time this person came to my blog, it was through that link. This woman... "Anna" we'll call her... she's not a friend of mine although she used to be. She's not on my friends list so it's not like she just happened to see my status message - she had to actually scope out my MySpace page to see it.

Okay, so it's only human to be curious. She clicked on the link, wondering where it would lead her to. I get it. But why keep coming back? Are you that nosy? Don't get me wrong - the point of the blog being public is so that people can read it. I write it, hoping people will be nosy - but not this person nor the group of women she's associated with.

This requires a story.

During my pregnancy with Hailey (so we're talking the year of 2006 here) I started participating in "Parenting Groups" [you'll understand the need for quotations during the story] on MySpace. Some were for young parents, others for baby wearers, breast feeders and more. As time went on, my participation in these groups began to heighten. I became a well-known figure in this little corner of cyberspace, donned with my ability to be absolutely in your face and always the person to tell it like it was. It gained me a sort of following - women who wanted to befriend me because they liked my assertiveness and let's face it... they didn't want to be on the receiving end of my e-brutality.

I should mention that over the course of time, these "parenting groups" [there it is again!] slowly diminished from the great, informative groups they once were. It used to all be about being able to talk with other parents about the hardships of being a parent - diapers, doctor's visits, vaccination, circumcision, car seats and every other conversation you could possibly imagine coming up in regards to parenting. Then one day, it just stopped. It became about who was the lesser parent. People were attacked on a daily basis. The slightest weakness or potentially "lesser" [read dumb] question was flocked to and picked apart by a group of vultures....

With me as the ring leader.

It amazes me still all of the hours spent with a small group of women who I then called my friends - "Anna" included. We on many occasions pretended to be friends with people just to get information about them, take them back to a private group we'd made for ourselves and giggle over what we'd found. Half the time we didn't even inform others... we just sat on the information and used it to fuel our childishness. We were at the top of our "game" and all of us became very well known as the people not to speak against in these groups.

Then one day I came to find myself weak. [This sounds so silly] I like so many of the girl's we'd picked on, became the lesser parent. I confided too many details about my abusive marriage in these women and I one day found myself attacked. It was only natural that I lost. I had taught them well after all. They knew everything about me - more information than we'd ever had on anyone else.

It had been a particularly bad week for me and in the end, I have no one to really blame but myself. I wouldn't have gotten attacked had I not lashed out at these women over something incredibly stupid. Then again, if they had really ever been my true friends, they would have understood. They would have realized that I was really hurting - emotionally, mentally and physically as I suffered through my horrible marriage. But that was it. One wrong turn and I was an immediate outcast. I made a lot of enemies during my time as ring leader of that group and they all came crashing down on me.

Weeks later, it finally hit me. I continued to read the forums I'd all but been physically casted out of and I said to myself

"Oh My God! What the hell was all of that? I can't believe I did that. Did I really spend all of my free time on THAT?"

Yup. I sure had. I lost a lot of time I could have been spending with my daughter - maybe even on my marriage. Who knows. I finally realized the way I'd tormented other women online all because I was unhappy and all because I had so many insecurities about my own life. My life was so very far from perfect, but I had a bad habit of wanting sympathy for what I was going through while pretending I was wife, mother and person of the year.

Those groups haven't changed. Those women haven't really changed. They are still all friends. They are still attacking people they find to be the lesser parent. I'm waiting for the day that they wake up and realize what they have done not only to themselves but to people around them. It's so easy to be so cruel and unforgiving when you are sitting at a computer monitor.

Now that you have a glimpse of that...

I have no idea why these women continue to stalk me. Well, I guess I do. It's the same reason we did it to other people. I'm not sure what they expect to find here. I'm not sure why they can't take the higher road and just go away. I know it's hard - I had to learn to do that myself. I just want to say "Anna", you know who you are if it's really you stalking this blog. I am sorry for the things I said and did to and with you and the other ladies you call your friends. Maybe in time, we can all learn to forgive each other. I hope that like me, you realize what it is you are doing to yourself.

Blogging Communities

I'm in such a whirlwind right now. There are SO many communities online for people who blog. I had no idea. If only I'd known, I would have gotten involved with them years ago! I'm finding all of these great places but quickly finding that if I want to give all of this a proper shot, I would have to stop working elsewhere because I simply cannot keep up with all of these communities, forums and what-have-yous otherwise. And let's face it... I can't afford to quit actually working. haha

There are just so many fantastic discussions to get involved with. Best part is that they are such intellectual conversations about topics that matter - even the ones that are geared towards parenting. [I've had a lot of experience with parenting groups in the past and come to find that they are hardly geared towards parenting.]

Here's where you can find me so far!

• Twitter Moms
• TheBlogFrog
• 20-Something Bloggers
• Mom Bloggers Club

To Want or Not to Want More Children - That is the Question

I was doing some blog hopping when I came across an interview on a blog called Blessed Quiver about a lady named Kelly. She did a guest posting and shared her story of her 3 children and how badly she wanted more children - while her husband did not. I read the story aloud to Charlie because the topic really struck me hard for some reason.

I should go on record by saying I don't have a fabulous track record with children. I had my first child at 19 and to say that I was unprepared for motherhood is an understatement. Through a long and dramatic process, my mother weasled her way into gaining custody of my first child. He's turning 5 this year. I can sadly and honestly say that I didn't fight hard enough for him. I didn't do what I was supposed to in order to continue being his mother. I wasn't ready to fill those shoes and as much as I [what's a better word for hate?] my mother I know he's in a lot of ways, better off with her.

The custody battle over my daughter has been no less than excrutiating. I made some poor choices that in some ways I don't regret. Leaving my ex husband, walking out that door and taking her someplace safe was the right decision. It may not have been the best or most legal choice I could have made, but it was right for her and I both. But now I have my back against the wall as I am told by the family court system when to jump and how high. I've cleared every hurdle - sometimes just barely, but I have fought my damn hardest and I will not stop until my daughter is home where she belongs.

Getting a little more on track, I've come to realize that I'm not mother of the year. I don't know if I want more children or if I even deserve more children for that matter. From my experiences with the custody battle, I have learned that anyone can just swoop in with a bunch of lies and false statements from others and turn your entire world upside down. And it doesn't even matter if you prove them to be lying. It doesn't even matter if they admit to it. Your past mistakes are enough to condemn you and they make you go through the whole process anyways. It's left me wondering if I'm up to the challenge - if I even want to risk having to ever go through this heart-wrenching tale again by having more children.

But unlike Kelly's husband, mine does want a lot of children. He's an only child and has always wanted a big family. He loves children - which was obvious to me from the moment he met my daughter. He wants as many as we can afford financially and mentally - and as many as my body can stand to carry. The real kicker is that my husband is possibly infertile and I use possibly only because I don't want to think he's definitely infertile although it's extremly likely.

When Charlie mentions it, I get upset. I don't know if I ever want more children, but what if I do? Is the answer just No? If in a year from now I decided I wanted to start adding to our family, is it potentially impossible? Although I don't know if I want more, I'd like to know that it's at least an option.

I should explain that Charlie suffers from gigantism. He had a tumor on his petuitary when he was younger and had it removed as a teenager. He has to have a testosterone shot every 2 weeks as a result. Testosterone shots ultimately cause men to have a lower sperm count and let's just say that Charlie has been on them for a very long time now. So like I said, it's entirely possible that he's infertile now.

We made the agreement that if by some chance Hailey was not returned to us, we would not have any more children. I can't see having more children if I don't have her. I look at her little face and I say to myself "She's enough for me." I'll probably feel differentlty down the road. She'll get older and she won't need me as much and I'll begin to feel the baby burn once more - but that's only if I have her.

Sometimes I stop at Hailey's bedroom door and I just stand there, knowing she's not on the other side of it. When she's not here, there is a terrible void in my home. She completes this family and I don't feel like anything is missing so long as she's here with us. But I've spent the last almost 7 months now without her home - just taking each brief visitation I'm given one at a time. I can't say it's all been bad. As much as I hate to admit it, it's given me a chance to really find myself - figure out who I really am apart from being Hailey's mom. Then again, it's also led me to the conclusion... I AM HAILEY'S MOM. That's who I really am - first and foremost. I've experienced the world around me and that's really it for me.

I just don't know yet if I can be another child's mom on top of it. If I decided to and Charlie is really infertile, what are my options? Specialists, donors, adoption? Those things are so expensive. Is that really the route I'll have to take? It makes me desire having more children even less - and that's pretty sad. How does Charlie feel about all of this? If it came down to it, I'd do it - but only if it's what he really wanted.

One Amazing Month

I was snuggled in bed, sleeping when my husband climbed in bed, wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled against me and told me "Happy Anniversary".

Although I haven't celebrated a monthsary since high school, I really thought it was a very sweet gesture - especially when he informed me that he's not only cooking me a dinner of steak, mashed potatoes, gravy and steamed broccoli - he also has a yellow cake in the oven just for me with chocolate frosting to go with it.

Yes, I really do have the most amazing husband in the world and no, you can't have him and he doesn't have a brother.

I love that my husband never stops surprising me. He always has a trick up his sleeve and shows me how much he loves me no matter what it takes. I love that no matter how tight things get financially, he finds a way to show me how much he cares even if it costs him nothing and even if it costs him more than it should. This man literally goes without things he wants or needs to show his love for me and I'm completely in awe of that.

Dinner was amazing - as usual. I'm so lucky to have a man that not only knows how to cook, but he enjoys it. I'm about to eat a slice of cake too - which I'm sure will be just as delicious. [I guess I should mention that since Charlie gets home from work around 3am, we usually eat a meal after he gets home - usually in the form of eggs and toast haha].

You Gotta Have Friends

It may seem like a silly subject to talk about, but when you're a mom - particularly one with a special needs child, friends can be difficult to come by. I often struggle with the fact that I'm just 23 years old and I'm fully settled down with a family while a lot of other women my age are free to go out and do as they please - party, stay out late etc. Don't get me wrong... I don't regret it. I just have come to really appreciate the friends that I do have.

I was reminded today of just how nice it is to have friends. Charlie and I went to see GI Joe this afternoon and several of our friends work at the theater. I love going there. Okay, so we get into the movies for free because Charlie used to work there - and that's a plus. But really, I love getting to see our friends. It makes me feel much more human and much more alive. I enjoy knowing that it's someplace I can walk into and instantly fit in because I know so many of the people there. That's a feeling I was without for so long.

During the three years I was married to my ex husband, I had only one friend and sadly I didn't have her long. My ex found her to be annoying and I admit, she could be some days. But she was my friend and she was all I had. Like us, she and her husband were a military family and after they were stationed elsewhere, I found myself completely alone and unable to befriend anyone else during such a horrible period in my life. I was too ashamed of the crappy relationship I was having with my husband and the type of depressed life we were living. I couldn't manage to put myself out there because I was far too ashamed of myself.

Let's face it, I haven't made a lot of friends since my parents moved me to South Carolina in mid 2003. I've bounced around so much that it's been impossible to - and being a military family certainly didn't help. Even if I did make a friend, they were gone as quickly as they came. That was typical since my ex husband was stationed at Fort Gordon - which is primarily a training base. Except for the people who were really stationed there to keep the base running, people were in and out a lot. I never really felt like I fit in with the other military wives anyways. Most of the ones I met had their sob stories about deployments, weeks if not years without their husbands or woes of them constantly being moved around. I didn't have those stories. Joe had been in the Army for 6 years by then. He'd already done his tour of Iraq and we knew for sure he'd never go back again. We weren't moved around - we were permanently stationed at Fort Gordon. I had nothing in common with those women except that my laundry basket looked like theirs.

I have one friend that I have known for years. I consider him my best friend and he's really been there for me through so much in the last, what is it now.. almost 5 years!? During that five years, I can count on my hands how many times we've seen each other in person. That makes for a rather odd friendship but I talk to him more than most friends do I guess. Not a day goes by without an instant message box going between us and if it does, I tend to get worried about him. ha! But anyways... no matter how good of friends we are despite that, a person comes to crave the personal interaction with others.

Charlie has known some of the people in our "circle" as I like to call it, for upwards of 15 years. Pretty much everyone he knows, knows one another. In fact, it's hard to run into people who don't know our friends as I was shown today at the theater when a new kid working there didn't know who we were and a friend of ours who works there explained who we are. The conversation was rather amusing...

Charlie: "I used to work here. I've known Julian for a good 10 years now."
New Kid: "Oh cool. Do you know a Jason Cote?"
Charlie: "Haha Yes. I've known him for 15 years."
New Kid: "Cool! he's my coach!" [On a side note, I find that hilarious and it makes me feel old.]

I guess my topic got sort of all over the place. My real point is that I have friends now and a lot of them. It's all strange to me and I'm still not used to it. But when we're in a group of people, I'm suddenly so calm now and happy in ways I haven't been in a very long time. I find myself so lucky to have all of these friends who not only understand the type of people Charlie and I are, but that we have responsibilities - particularly to Hailey. And most importantly, I'm lucky to have friends who understand the child that Hailey is and that they all love her and many of them participate in her life.

This Blog Sucks

I have been browsing a lot of blogs since I started this one and I have to say - I'm intimidated. I've been blogging for years and now I wonder if I should have gone public much sooner. I have this whole goal in mind - write the public blog, get readers, write a book and hopefully publish it and earn good money off of it. I thought it was a good, solid idea in which I could make happen. I suppose I still can, but I didn't realize the competition was so... steep.

I keep looking at my page asking myself...

• Does my page look too gloomy?
• Am I not sprucing up my posts enough?
• Should I take a more whimsical approach?
• Is my writing even any good?

Let's face it... there are thousands of blogs and apparently a good portion of them are like mine in that they are the literal online diary of someone's life and family. So maybe they aren't as open as mine - but they feature great writing, fun pictures and the sparkle required to keep people interested. Am I up for the challenge so I can stand amongst those blogs?

What makes me think I'm so special anyways? I have no idea. I thought this was all a rather unique idea. I thought I'd found exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Finally, I could encompass so many of my passions and the majority of my talents into one thing. It's not doubt I am talented (not trying to rub my ego here) but the question remains - am I anywhere near as talented as the other ladies who have apparently been doing this for years? You don't need to answer that and I don't need anyone to make me feel better. I'm really just thinking out loud.

I keep stretching myself out and seeking new things that I find thrill me. This is one of them. I really want to do this and I want it to be something I do for many years to come. I mean, I've already been blogging for years anyways - I just want to make it something that other people can enjoy too and let's be honest here - something that brings in at least a little money each month.

From all of the blogs I've come across this week, I've found some great networking sites for blog writers - some even specifically for women or even just moms. But going to these places just makes me feel more intimidated. I went to BlogHer and I was absolutely blown out of the water. There are women blogging and participating in subjects that I know nothing about in my wildest dreams! How am I supposed to compete with that? These women are fantastic writers and highly intellectual. Sure, I'm smart and I'd like to think my writing is half-way decent but when push comes to shove, I know they have the upper hand.

I'm happy knowing that at least a few people are following along. I guess that's good considering I started writing this blog on August 1st. But I think I'll feel better when I am finally blogging with the big dogs and getting 100, 50 20.. or hell I'll even settle for 10 comments on an entry! haha I'm hoping this is just something that like everything else in this world, takes a lot of time and patience to build.

My Own Health Insurance

I finally have my own nifty health insurance complete with shiny, plastic card. It's through Charlie's job and it's Blue Cross / Blue Shield. What's so blog worthy about all that?

Well, it's the first time I've ever had REAL health insurance before.

Okay, not that anyone's health insurance is fake - it's just that I've never had any that I was actually paying for. I've had health insurance through my parents, medicaid during my first pregnancy and then TriCare during my previous marriage. So finally I have health insurance not paid for by my parents or the government. It's kind of a big deal to me.

I'm rather excited. Sure, the cost sucks and the $20 co-pay for each doctor's visits kind of sucks too - especially since I'm so used to everything being free with TriCare. But it's mine and that's all that matters! So now if I decide to break something, I can go to the doctor. Hooray!

Fortunately, Hailey is still on TriCare and will be until she's 18 (or maybe it's 21? I'll have to double check that). So all of her medical costs and prescriptions are still completely free and let's face it - she's going to be at the doctor a heck of a lot more than I will be.

Anyways... So right now I have a temporary card that just has Charlie's name on it - but I can use it for myself if I need to. When my card comes, it'll still have my damn maiden name on it (I really need to go change my name).

Trendy Words & The Word I Hate Most.

I hate the word Swag - or any rendition of the word for that matter. Swag, Swagger, or the ultimate brain kill Swagga just really irritates the piss out of me.

I don't know exactly what it is about the word that annoys me. It could be because my ex husband uses it now that he's decided he's black (sorry to whoever that offends). Maybe it's because he dressed my daughter up in clothing created by a predominately "black" label and told everyone she was "Swaggin" in her new Coogi set he bought her. But it's not just that - that would be silly.

I hate a lot of completely made up words - particularly the kind that only get used while they are trendy. I especially hate ones that have more than one meaning! And I really hate that I see so many people using these words because they think using them is cool (again, it's because the word has become trendy).

Just a little list of words and/or phrases that I can't stand.

• Bootylicious
• Metrosexual
• Fashionista
• Are you shitting me
• I'm not shitting you
• Apple bottom
• Kawaii

But seriously.. Swagga or whatever really tops the charts for me. I really can't stand this word. I hear it in songs a lot now or in reference to things as basic as a woman's purse. I don't get it. I can't wait until the word is no longer trendy.

The L Word....

...and I don't mean lesbians.

I came across a blog with a very nice and positive idea. It's just what I need! There's nothing better than splicing a little positive into your life. The object of this post is to create a Love List - a list of things I.. well.. love. It can be anything - big or small. It doesn't matter.. just as long as it's loved (and I'm sticking with objects and things - not people).

This is in no particular order - just as they come to my little mind.

• Twitter. I think you have to be a little bit of an attention whore to write a blog and the same thing holds true for Twitter. I love that I can write about myself and what I'm doing on-the-go and people actually care to know. The idea that someone is getting information via their computer or even their cell phone about me going to the grocery store or cooking dinner just amuses the hell out of me.
• Grapefruit. In any form really - juice, as just a fruit, slices in a jar. I just love grapefuit and that bitter but tartly sweet taste it leaves in your mouth. Oh crap. I'm actually drooling a little bit. While we're on the subject, I love fruit of just about any kind. I hate it when fruit isn't in the house and hate that it goes so quickly and costs so much.
• True Blood on HBO. I've never had a television show capture my attention this way. I can honestly say that I have an almost unhealthy addiction to it. I watch it. I talk about it. I inform people about it who don't watch it. I've even convinced people to get HBO so that they can watch it! Speaking of which... I love Sundays. It's a big TV day in this house. We watch everything from True Blood to Hung, Chopped and Next Food Network Star (or did.. the season is over now).
• Texting. I've had cell phones for years, but never a full texting plan. Finally, I can communicate with people during times in which I really can't pick up a phone. And while we're on the subject... I love my cell phone. Out of all the phones I've had, this one is by far the best. I actually have zero complaints about it!
• Blogging. I guess that's obvious by now! I love that I can write down everything that pops into my little head and sort stuff out. I love that it actually interests people and they read it. I enjoy the expressive outlet it offers me.
• I love sleep - whether it be a short snooze on the couch to sleeping in bed for a ridiculous amount of hours. I can sleep anywhere at any time and I pride myself on proving that! I love being snuggled down in my covers, hugging my squishy pillow and knowing that so long as I'm asleep, the stresses and hardships of life cease to exist.
• McDonald's Parfait. We've tried making it ourselves so many times. I don't know what it is they do different, but it's the most glorious thing I've ever eaten. My husband brings it home to me knowing fully well it will get him laid. It's like... my favoritest food ever!
• I love staying up way past bedtime because I'm laying in bed actually talking to my husband. I love that we can do that no matter how tired we are and no matter how badly we need the sleep. I love that we can talk about anything - from serious issues going on in our lives to singing Family Guy songs at 3 in the morning.

Oh I could go on for days. What do you LOVE? Share with me in my comments!

Subscriptions & Feeds

I'm so stupid. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

I have like.. a gajillion e-mail accounts which lead me to have several Google accounts which lead me to the predicament I hopefully just handled and fixed. Ya see, I somehow ended up with an AdSense account associated with another GMail account so whenever I wanted to monetize something, I had to log out of the account I use to blog with, and into the other. I know.. it's confusing! Same went for the RSS Feed for this blog because in order to monetize it, I needed it connected to my AdSense account. To make it easy on everyone, I'll just stop there.

Because of the above issue, I had people subscribing to my blog using two different feed URLs. How? I have no idea.. but it apparently happened and I'm very sorry about it. Because somehow, six people subscribed to the "old" feed whereas only two subscribed to the "new", I have chosen to use the "old" URL instead. I have no idea if it makes any real difference, but I am trying to just put all of my e-duckies in a virtual row.

I completed deleted the Google account in which half of my stuff was associated and am attempting to focus everything in one place. It's difficult and I have no idea if it was a smart move or not - I guess time will tell. But for now, if you did subscribe to my RSS feed, you may need to do it again. Like I said - I really don't know if it makes any difference. I di apologize for any inconvenience I may have caused for anyone with my mess!

Choosing Memories

So my friend Keri of Married2Military posted a blog in response to my post My Dirty Laundry. I was reading her comments on the blog when I came across a message left that said

Nobody's life is perfect, and these blogs are just a glimpse at our lives...the moments we choose to record!

What an amazing statement. It really struck me. Of course, I blog about pretty much anything. I mean, I blogged about shrimp alfredo for crying out loud. But I know at some point in my six years of blogging I have left out a detail or two. There has certainly been some things I have been ashamed to post - either because they were really that bad or because I didn't want to remember them.

This goes against everything I said in my post My Dirty Laundry or Starting Over With No More Censorship but I guess there really is a line you don't cross when posting online.

I didn't write about certain details pertaining to the abuse from my previous marriage. I was too embarrassed and quite frankly, I think I remember it well enough that I didn't need to ever write it down. And if I'm being honest, there are some things I just didn't ever talk about. It doesn't make me any less real - it just means it was too much for me. Maybe the point of blogs for some people is to only capture the good - so they can go back and read about all of the good parts of their life when things get rough. I suppose I can see the point in that.

Doesn't mean I'm going to do that - because sadly, I wouldn't have a blog! haha

I guess I always felt that I should record everything I could stand to - even if it isn't so positive. I want to look back and see where I came from and the moments - good and bad - that made me who I am.

I Found Something Awesome!

All I can say about this is WOW! I was blog hopping earlier and came across a little banner that caught my eye. 20-Something Bloggers... hmm this should be interesting! I clicked it and I immediately joined. Unfortunately (well, I guess fortunately too) they screen all applicants to the site to check up on your age. You absolutely have to be 20-something to join. It took about 24 hours for me to be approved. Wait was well worth it.

So I finally have full access to this site and I realize it's like MySpace - strictly for bloggers aged 20-29. The whole site is about blogging! It has groups, the ability to message, add friends, leave comments and of course... blog! I won't be blogging there because that would sort of the defeat the purpose of blogging here. But.. they do have an RSS feed and you can link in your blog that way!

Like MySpace, you get your own Profile Page where you can write about yourself, display certain information and even add a picture of yourself.

Can you tell I'm excited? Wait. It get's even better!

So I keep looking at this portion of 20-Something Bloggers and I see this "Lisa created this social network on Ning." So I'm thinking - what the heck is Ning? I go to this site and oh holy mother of Jesus... it's a site where you can create your OWN social network site! Oh man I'm all bubbly. So I start looking around and there are all of these social networks full of people. This has literally opened a new door for me online!

Anyways - definitely check out 20-Something Bloggers if you have the chance (and are 20-something of course). It looks promising and like fun!

Rich Food is Delicious

Tuesday, we decided to pretend like we're rich. Charlie bought cleaned, de-veined, de-tailed and cooked shrimp - $5.00/per pound. BEST shrimp I have ever had. It was so juicy and full of flavor. I'd honestly spend the money to do it all over again.

At first I thought the pound of shrimp was a lot of shrimp as it sat in a bowl, waiting to be added to the alfredo sauce we were to pair it with. We took some of the shrimp out and first made Shrimp Scampi for Charlie's mom (which was also declicious by the way). It still looked like a lot of shrimp. We finally add it to the huge wok-sized pan full of alfredo sauce and I suddenly questioned if we had enough shrimp. But in the end, it was just enough. In fact, Charlie and I have both eaten shrimp alfredo twice and we still have sauce and shrimp left over. So in the end, that $5.00 was well spent. It's made 5 plates of food so far!

Charlie will be upset that I am not showing his plate of food. He's extremely passionate about cooking and I know he'll want to show it off. But I think this was better put in a bowl and mine looked prettier! haha

Teaching The Autistic Child

I saw an amazing quote on TV the other day. I know... of all places. This quote really holds a special place in my heart.

"If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn."

My daughter Hailey is very special. I knew early on that she was... different. She was diagnosed with Autism in February of this year and while I knew deep in my heart all along, it was devastating for me. Teaching her how to do the most simple of tasks has been challenging, but over the course of the last year, I have come to learn what does and doesn't work for her. That is where the above quote really comes in.

Hailey is a very hands on child. She prefers to figure things out for herself. But there are just some things she had to be taught. We had to find special ways of communicating with her so that we could teach her in ways she could understand. This meant a lot of patience, care and repetitiveness. This meant allowing her to observe something she was interested in at the grocery store for 30 minutes while standing in an aisle having the employees look at me like I was crazy. It meant a lot of redirection and persistence. Above all, it meant a very tired mommy.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love her quirks and I love that she is different. She's incredibly bright - she just does things differently. She always ends up at the appropriate place so who cares what road she takes to get there? Let's face it - all children are different in their own ways anyhow. They should be taught according to how they learn - not the way we think they should.

Hailey has improved greatly in the last year. She's currently seeing three therapists - Speech, Occupational and Physical. She's excelled in every category and is on her way to being a fully functional toddler - all because we've all been patient and did things in ways she could understand. That quote only encourages me further as a parent - to continue on this path and teach my daughter in the way I know she can learn and not the way society dictates.

Husband / Wife Association

I got re-married just shy of a month ago on July 8, 2009 (to the American folk, that's 07/08/09.. yeah we're clever). There were a lot of difficulties with the wedding and things that Charlie and I both had trouble coming to terms with. Before I really talk about them, I want it understood that we're past them - they are just important to what I have to blog about.

We weren't included in many decisions for the wedding. It seemed like every time Charlie and I made a decision, we were either argued with or completely ignored. While a couple members of Charlie's family really pitched in and made our wedding special, it bothered me a lot that I wasn't included in any of the planning. No one took me to go shopping for that ribbon to be used on my bouquet or the napkins to wrap around the eating utensils. I wasn't included when the little party favor bags were made or even designed for that matter. No one thought to ask my opinion on anything - and it was supposed to be my day. Okay, so I've been married before. But it didn't mean the day way to be any less special to me. And that's where this blog comes in.

It was Charlie's day too and he's still having a hard time associating me with the term "wife" and I admit I struggled with calling him my husband at first as well. It's a real shame because I know Charlie feels cheated. He expected it to be a wonderful day full of happy memories and besides the actual "I Do" part and Hailey being there, I can't say I have many happy memories of the occasion - hell I hardly have memories of it at all.

It just seemed like the whole day was a struggle. In the end, it really doesn't matter. We're married and we're so deeply in love with one another. That's all that's important. I just wish the day had been better - for him most importantly. In the end, the following picture is all that really matters.

My Dirty Laundry

I talked with my husband about some of the blogs I have been reading. They all seem so... perfect. Perhaps too perfect? All of these ladies have 3 and 4 children whom they dress up nicely and line up for the camera. They have all these pretty pictures of their gorgeous kids and a lot of their "big problems" don't sound all that bad to me.

It honestly makes me feel bad - like I'm a terrible mom or something when deep down, I know that isn't true. I know the situation we're in looks so horrible, but I also know the truth.

Do people perchance, write only the good stuff to make themselves seem better off than they are? I've always been a very open person - perhaps too open for that matter. If I'm going to write about myself and my life, then I want every angle presented - even the not no pretty ones. I've been told I'm airing my dirty laundry that no one wants to see. But you have to put the dirty clothes in the washing machine before you can ever hope to get that clean smell and warm, fuzzy feeling of clothes fresh from the dryer. That's where my blog comes in. Consider it my public laundromat. Hopefully we all get something out of it - maybe even some free detergent.

I don't want sympathy. I want understanding - and I think we all want that. I'd like to think that people are more accepting and able to identify with one another more than we give them credit for. Maybe if more people wrote about the ugly truths of their lives, the world would be a better place. If you're reading this, I want you to walk away with information. Hopefully it's something you can learn from - maybe not today or tomorrow... but sometime in your life it finds its way back to you and helps you with an important life decision.

Charlie agrees with me in the belief that people write about the good stuff and rarely the bad. I made myself a little self-conscious and wondered if perhaps I was being too gloomy. But this is life and it's real. This blog is really about who I am and what I am facing. It nothing else, it's a reminder to myself of the places I have been and the mountains I have climbed. That is what sets me apart from the blogs full of smiling faces and Suzy home-makers.

Once again, I remind myself that I won't settle. I won't censor myself or feel like I am putting too much of myself into my writing.

Movie: Orphan

Just a warning... this blog contains spoilers for the movie Orphan.

Charlie and I have been meaning to see this for a couple of weeks now and finally had the chance today. We heard it was "As good as The Sixth Sense" and were really excited to see it. It was a good movie - I liked it better than Charlie did. But about 5 minutes into the movie, I thought I was going to have to walk out.

The very beginning of the movie, the mother in the story is having a nightmare about giving birth. The nurse keeps telling her how sorry she is that her baby is dead and that they have to get it out of her and the mom is screaming "What are you talking about? I can feel her moving inside of me!" Then her husband is video taping it while the doctors are cutting her open. They hand her a baby completely covered in blood (not the normal amount of blood and goo you see in an actual birth) all wrapped in a blanket. It was really grotesque and I just don't handle situations like that very well.

A lot of the movie reminded me of the old Caulkin flick "The Good Son" with all of the bad child antics. But the ending was rather shocking and the shock value did have a Sixth Sense quality to it.

It wasn't really scary - not like BOO! or ghostly scary. It was scary in the "Wow this could really happen" sort of way. Was a good movie besides the points that really hit me too hard emotionally as a mother.

FreeCreditReport.com Sucks

Several months ago (I wanna say April) I signed up to try FreeCreditReport.com because I wanted to get an idea of what my credit score looked like and perhaps what I could do to improve it.. Charlie signed up too and we quickly came to find out what a complete waste of money it is. We're talking $14 per month per account (It's only "free" for the first month apparently).

It's a huge hassle to cancel this thing. You can't just do it online - you have to call this 888 number and talk to a representative. Well I called to cancel both of our accounts which shouldn't have been a big deal because I'm his wife, I know his social security number and the bank account number associated with the account.

It starts off that they go as far as asking me for all of his information and then tell me that they have to speak with him. Then why the hell did they ask me for all of the information? What a waste of time. So I deal with my own account instead and I go through all of it again, giving them my information. They immediately give me the run around.

They start telling me how I am eligible to get their service for half price. I say "No thanks.. just cancel my account." Then they have the audacity to say "Well I see you checked your account last month - why?" What!? What kind of question is this? What do you mean why? Because I wanted to see my score since I paid to see it - duh!

So now I have to wait for some e-mail from them in order to confirm my cancellation. Why? Do they expect me to change my mind in the next 24 hours? Would I really have gone through all of that trouble if I weren't sure I wanted to cancel? Seriously.