I was doing some blog hopping when I came across an interview on a blog called Blessed Quiver about a lady named Kelly. She did a guest posting and shared her story of her 3 children and how badly she wanted more children - while her husband did not. I read the story aloud to Charlie because the topic really struck me hard for some reason.
I should go on record by saying I don't have a fabulous track record with children. I had my first child at 19 and to say that I was unprepared for motherhood is an understatement. Through a long and dramatic process, my mother weasled her way into gaining custody of my first child. He's turning 5 this year. I can sadly and honestly say that I didn't fight hard enough for him. I didn't do what I was supposed to in order to continue being his mother. I wasn't ready to fill those shoes and as much as I [what's a better word for hate?] my mother I know he's in a lot of ways, better off with her.
The custody battle over my daughter has been no less than excrutiating. I made some poor choices that in some ways I don't regret. Leaving my ex husband, walking out that door and taking her someplace safe was the right decision. It may not have been the best or most legal choice I could have made, but it was right for her and I both. But now I have my back against the wall as I am told by the family court system when to jump and how high. I've cleared every hurdle - sometimes just barely, but I have fought my damn hardest and I will not stop until my daughter is home where she belongs.
Getting a little more on track, I've come to realize that I'm not mother of the year. I don't know if I want more children or if I even deserve more children for that matter. From my experiences with the custody battle, I have learned that anyone can just swoop in with a bunch of lies and false statements from others and turn your entire world upside down. And it doesn't even matter if you prove them to be lying. It doesn't even matter if they admit to it. Your past mistakes are enough to condemn you and they make you go through the whole process anyways. It's left me wondering if I'm up to the challenge - if I even want to risk having to ever go through this heart-wrenching tale again by having more children.
But unlike Kelly's husband, mine does want a lot of children. He's an only child and has always wanted a big family. He loves children - which was obvious to me from the moment he met my daughter. He wants as many as we can afford financially and mentally - and as many as my body can stand to carry. The real kicker is that my husband is possibly infertile and I use possibly only because I don't want to think he's definitely infertile although it's extremly likely.
When Charlie mentions it, I get upset. I don't know if I ever want more children, but what if I do? Is the answer just No? If in a year from now I decided I wanted to start adding to our family, is it potentially impossible? Although I don't know if I want more, I'd like to know that it's at least an option.
I should explain that Charlie suffers from gigantism. He had a tumor on his petuitary when he was younger and had it removed as a teenager. He has to have a testosterone shot every 2 weeks as a result. Testosterone shots ultimately cause men to have a lower sperm count and let's just say that Charlie has been on them for a very long time now. So like I said, it's entirely possible that he's infertile now.
We made the agreement that if by some chance Hailey was not returned to us, we would not have any more children. I can't see having more children if I don't have her. I look at her little face and I say to myself "She's enough for me." I'll probably feel differentlty down the road. She'll get older and she won't need me as much and I'll begin to feel the baby burn once more - but that's only if I have her.
Sometimes I stop at Hailey's bedroom door and I just stand there, knowing she's not on the other side of it. When she's not here, there is a terrible void in my home. She completes this family and I don't feel like anything is missing so long as she's here with us. But I've spent the last almost 7 months now without her home - just taking each brief visitation I'm given one at a time. I can't say it's all been bad. As much as I hate to admit it, it's given me a chance to really find myself - figure out who I really am apart from being Hailey's mom. Then again, it's also led me to the conclusion... I AM HAILEY'S MOM. That's who I really am - first and foremost. I've experienced the world around me and that's really it for me.
I just don't know yet if I can be another child's mom on top of it. If I decided to and Charlie is really infertile, what are my options? Specialists, donors, adoption? Those things are so expensive. Is that really the route I'll have to take? It makes me desire having more children even less - and that's pretty sad. How does Charlie feel about all of this? If it came down to it, I'd do it - but only if it's what he really wanted.
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