Not So Wordless Wednesday - With Pictures!

I've seen so many other mommy bloggers participate in Wordless Wednesday and I really love what it's about. But I can't ever seem to come up with anything to post! I get the point of the Wordless Wednesday theme - to post a picture without any sort of explanation or caption to go with it. But then I start to post a picture I absolutely love and I feel the need to talk about the picture and why it's so important and why I chose it.

I guess I'm just not "deep" enough to participate. haha

I was looking through old pictures of Hailey, trying to choose one to post. I love them all and I could say so much about any of them. But the more I looked, the more I realized that I can't just choose one. She looks so happy in these and who doesn't love a happy, smiling baby!?

I remember when it was so easy to make Hailey laugh. She was so little and everything in the world was outright hilarious to her. A simple funny face was all it took. I remember when I used to arm myself with the camera, hide behind it and then pop out with "Boo!" and a silly face. She'd absolutely scream with laughter and I'd get a great picture. You do that now and she just looks at you like you're crazy. I'm sure every other mother in the world who tries to take pictures of their toddler can relate.

Remember that point where pictures were fun... just before your kids got too "mobile" and taking pictures was a difficult task [and often meant that a photo shoot of 50+ pictures resulted in only 3 or 4 good ones you'd actually send to your family]? Yeah. I'm talking that very brief time in your child's life when getting awesome pics was a breeze and they always looked great [and OMG Keri this totally excludes your always perfect looking children. Just kidding hun... sorta! haha]

So moms... lets go back to those days. The task is to go back in time and select your favorite pictures of your baby's smile [let's narrow it down to three for the sake of sanity]. Don't forget to link back here so other moms can share as well and most importantly, don't forget to leave a link to your post in my comments so we can all share!

Apparently I birthed Gene Simmons. This has ALWAYS been one of my favorite pics of Hailey.

She loved her first shoes. This was taken the same day she actually stood for the first time.


Can you believe this was taken in August 2007!? Look at that cute little tooth!

It's almost my birthday and I'll whine if I want to.

My birthday is in two weeks on September 14th. It's coming quickly and it just crossed my mind. It's hit me that we won't be doing anything for my birthday. Not that this should bother me I guess. It's not like I have had a decent birthday in years anyway so what's one more? At least this year I'm not being held against my will in my bedroom and being told that I'm being punished.

I want Hailey home for my birthday. But that's a Monday and she has therapy. And I know if I tell her grandparents that I want her, they will say okay and substitute Monday the 14th in for Saturday the 12th when I'm supposed to have her - thus defeating the entire point. And if they didn't do that, it would mean I'd have to make an extra trip to Charleston to get her. She's worth it - every penny and every mile. But blah just the same.

I don't think Charlie has gotten me anything for my birthday - not that I blame him nor do I want to make him feel guilty. It's not like I was able to get him anything for his [although it was at his request that we didn't really celebrate it]. On the one hand, I want to do something fun and enjoy the day. On the other hand, it would leave me feeling all crappy and guilty for spending money just because it was my birthday.

I don't even know what I'd want. Well, I do - but it's not going to happen anyways.

A Literally Painful Visitation

Today's visitation was very rough. I fell asleep in the truck on the way to pick Hailey up and when I woke, I was in excruciating pain. My back was spasming and I couldn't even breath without wincing in pain. In fact, I'm still in quite a bit of pain.

We got out of the truck and Charlie tried to loosen my back for me. It helped a little, but it wasn't long before I was in just as much pain as before. He had to lift Hailey up into the truck for me. No way I could do it for that moment.

I spent most of the day in pain. I enjoyed my time with Hailey. I only hope she enjoyed her time with her injured mommy. When nap time came, I laid down myself on my back in bed. Charlie brought me a back massager thing to lay on and it helped a little, but it was also rather uncomfortable.

We played hard - hard as I could any ways. Hailey did a good bit of running outside. She would run around our back yard and run to me laughing. That girl's smile is absolutely infectious. She ran around the dogs trying to steer clear of Flora. I don't think she'll ever like our weiner dog - it's kind of hyper and Flora absolutely adores Hailey and you can tell she misses her. But I took her and I back inside. I was getting bit by gnats so I'm sure she was as well.

And then came the long, emotional ride back to Charleston to drop her back off with her grandparents. I tried not to cry on the way home. Charlie and I talked as much as we could to keep our mind off of things, but it never works. I still end up in tears.

I can't wait for this to be over with.

It's Been a Crazy Week...

This last week has been insane. From being just plain busy to trying to have a little "me time" to finding out my ex-husband married a grandma and now my friend Sara is engaged and Ooie has to have knee surgery and be out of work for a long time. Just a crazy, crazy week.

As luck would have it, Charlie is off for the next 13 days. Thank goodness. We have so much still to do. Like, I dunno... painting the bedroom. I know, you're going "Damn Kimi.. You aren't done painting yet!?" No. Humor me.. I'm short. I can't even reach the top molding while on a step stool, so I need Charlie's help. haha Hailey's bedroom ceiling could use another coat of primer. Otherwise, it's been done for ages. My office has been done for ages and we finished the dining area and 99% of the living room before the wedding. There is a small area of wall that needs attention. I want to finish that and then paint the bedroom so we can move furniture all over the house again.

I dread the bathroom. In fact, I may just leave it alone for a while longer. My landlady needs to step it up and fix the bathtub tile. It's actually starting to kinda piss me off. I think I've waited long enough and been pretty dang nice about it - maybe too nice for that matter. Don't even get me started again on the monstrosity that is the painted over, wallpapered walls. *sigh*

And then Taa-Daa! We can get to work on Hailey's playroom - finally! I'm so excited about it! It's right next to my office and it's a much bigger area to spread her toys out in. I really want to separate her room and play time so she better understands when it's bed time. It's too easy for her to get out of bed and play with her toys when she should be sleeping.

And then there is just general work, work, work. From regular commissions to IMVU stuff to looking for a job outside of the house, I am just so freaking busy. In fact, I'm typing this with wet hair when I should be in the bathroom drying it so we can go grocery shopping. Heehee

And tomorrow is finally Saturday! I'm so excited! I miss Hailey bunches. Thinking of taking her to the park tomorrow if it's not blazing hot. Otherwise, we'll just play outside at home a bit under the big tree. No idea what to feed her tomorrow. I hate grocery shopping these days. I'm still so in the habit of wanting to pick up stuff that I'd normally get for her and then remember she won't be around to eat or drink it anyways. Heck, I even made her a sippy cup a few days ago not thinking. It's been a while since I did that and it got me really upset.

*Eyes clock* Okay, okay.. I need to finish getting ready and get outta here!

Let's Be Considerate

[Insert long sigh here] Charlie is right. I'm handling this the wrong way. I removed a couple of posts I made. Sometimes it's best to write things out for yourself and not for the world to read. It's a level of discretion I've simply not yet achieved. I'm young still - there is time to work on it.

I still find the entire situation to be shocking and all too bizarre. It's just... life has been so crazy in the last year and it just recently looked like I could slow it all down, ya know? We're in the home stretch and I know in my heart that Hailey will be home soon. But I have been concentrating so much and so hard on my own family and keeping our noses clean to make that happen so I missed what was going on around me and I hadn't anticipated something like this. Well, that is until a few days ago when I wrote the post which basically stemmed entirely of me wondering what would happen later in Hailey's life.

I mean, you can't blame me for worrying about what would happen when Joe got re-married and if he ever had more children. I'm sure a lot of divorced mothers can relate to that. I don't want to call it a fear so much as it's something I knew I would need to prepare myself and Hailey for. But this? Nothing could have prepared me for this. I honestly find the news that my ex husband married a woman 22 years older than him to be shocking. I'm not the only one. It was immature of me to handle it like I did, but in all fairness... I'm truly shocked right now. It was one thing that Hailey would someday have a step mother. It was one thing that she'd likely have step siblings. But now she has a step mother who is older than her grandmother.

Let's be real here. My half sister is practically my mother's age. My niece is older than I am. My nephew is almost my age. My parents were 20 years apart in age and it did have an adverse affect on me. Naturally, I'm worried about how all of this is going to affect Hailey long-term.

And that's all any of this is really about. What is in Hailey's best interest? She's already been deprived of a normal childhood. She's already been apart of a broken home. When I re-married, I did so carefully. If I didn't feel that Charlie and I could together give Hailey a decent shot at a great and normal life to make up for all of the stuff my ex husband and I had put her through, then I wouldn't have married Charlie at all. I just wonder if Joe really thought about what he was doing in terms of Hailey. Because whether he is or isn't involved with her in the long run, I have to explain all of this stuff.

I just don't understand why life can't be normal. It's like we almost get there and then something changes that I have to account for. It's frustrating.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other.

I received an e-mail from my lawyer reminding me to make sure I monitor the content of my blogs because apparently, it's been confirmed that Hailey's grandparents and apparently my ex husband are reading this. My question is...

Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Like, I dunno... care for Hailey?

I think for the most part, I have been very adult about my postings here and careful of what I say. There is a very fine line between censorship and me just being careful about how I word things or what I discuss. I think I have walked that line with grace. I always think before I post stuff here and on several occasions, I have mentioned that I couldn't discuss a subject further because I had a suspicion that they were reading this.

I have no doubt that my blogs will be printed out. I have no doubt that they will be brought up in court. I also have no doubt that none of it will matter. In my heart, I know I have already won and nothing I have bitched about in this blog thus far is going to make a difference. When I first starting writing this blog, I changed all of the names and I left out tons of stuff. [Remember my post about Writing with No More Censorship?] I stopped doing that. I started over. If I'm going to write, then it's going to be real.

If Hailey's grandparents and my ex husband can't handle that, they they need a new hobby that doesn't involve snooping on me. I have a lot of very good reasons for writing. Writing out one's thoughts is normal, expressive, therapeutic and I enjoy it. Maybe they are the ones who should go to therapy if they can't fight the urge to stay out of my business. Lord knows my ex husband needs it anyways.

Switching gears... Last week I made a post on Twitter asking that everyone who was following me that lived in SC to tell me because someone from Mount Pleasant had come to my page through my Twitter account - which is set to private. No one responded [except for Chris lol]. Someone who reads my Twitter isn't who they claim to be. Someone doesn't belong and I will weed them out.

I don't spy on you. Quite frankly, I don't really even care what you are doing. I care about what's happening with Hailey and nothing more. Every two weeks, I grin and bear it. We go through our awkward [un]pleasantries when we know deep down, none of us really want to hang out and chit chat. But we do it anyways because it's for Hailey and it's important that we get along or at least pretend to for her sake and well being. But for the 13 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes between visitations, I don't think about y'all. I think about Hailey. I wonder what Hailey is doing. That is my focus.

And as far as my ex husband goes, I never think of him at all. He's a sad excuse for a human being. He isn't even worth the fact that I'm mentioning him in this blog [although there is another topic that I will write after this that involves him]. I don't care what he's doing. So long as he is paying the child support owed to you, then he and I have no business [and even if he weren't, that's not really my problem.. but I would make it my problem for Hailey's sake].

Y'all were supposedly worried that there was something wrong with me. You were supposedly worried that I wasn't okay - or something of that nature. I'm fine. I have papers that say so. But if you are really as concerned for me [rather than about me] as you claim, then just leave me be. Let me have my space. Don't snoop or pry. It's rude and not fair to me.

Visitation at its Best

Today was no less than heart wrenching [because really, who could resist that little face?]. It seems I'm on this weird mood cycle. I started noticing it last month - the wicked pattern of emotions I seem to be running.

The day of visitation I'm excited. I'm pumped and I'm ready to go! That feeling lasts until about 6pm when I realize I need to start getting Hailey ready to go back to her grandparents. By the time I make it to Charleston, I'm almost in tears. Once I see her driven away in their car, I break down every time. [Hell, I'm crying as I write this].

Days pass and for the first 4-5 days I'm okay. By 7-9, I'm great. After than I slowly begin to crumble. Two weeks lasts years these days to me. By the time I get to the evening before visitation, I'm an absolute disaster. I'm constantly crying. I think about Hailey constantly and all of this nonsense is eating away at me.

Thank God for my mother in law. I know sometimes she irritates me like every other person's mother in law, but deep down she's a really awesome lady and I'm very grateful for her. She knows how hard visitation days are for me. I came home and not only did she straighten up a bit, she has most of my laundry done and even changed the sheets on my bed and made it. It just doesn't get better than that.

At least now when I climb into bed tonight to bawl my eyes out, I can do so on some fresh linens. I know it isn't much to look at, but it's my bed and that makes it special. Ugh it looks so comfy - even just by looking at the picture. I think I shall have a swim in it shortly.


I'm so tired from today - emotionally, mentally, physically. Hailey had a fantastic time. We played hard, laughed hard. There was all sorts of jumping and dancing going on in this house. We ran around outside. We danced to music. We jumped on the bed [well she did anyways - could you imagine me doing that?]. We read books, watched Noggin and has nice naps. Lots of pictures were taken of said events.... Like these:

Watching Noggin. That smile lights rooms.

Miss Hailey-Mix-A-Lot playing with her music table.

Who doesn't love a good scream of laughter?

Worn out from the fun of it all.

Today's Random Visit from DSS

I just had a social worker randomly drop in on me because she knew I had Hailey today. When she arrived, Hailey and I were in her bedroom, sitting on the floor and reading the book we'd bought her at the aquarium. Charlie's mom comes in and announces that a caseworker is here.

Huh, what!? So I spring to my feet and close Hailey's baby gate behind me and gaze at my messy house. Okay.. it's not really messy, but like I still had my garbage bag of shoes sitting in the hall because I intend to give them to Charlie's niece and just don't have anything else to do with them right now. My bed wasn't made - because I got up at 5am and just didn't care to make it. Stuff like that.

I won't go into a lot of details because let's face it... I have no doubt that my ex husband and his family are reading this and the details are none of their business. It will suffice it to say that the meeting went extraordinarily well and I passed with flying colors. She didn't get to meet with or talk to Charlie, because naturally he was sleeping because he was up until 6 in the morning. Apparently this woman, whom my own lawyer has NEVER heard of nor spoke to, has the outcome of my psychological evaluation - something that I was told would be given to me first via the mail so I could look it over and ask questions before it was given to anyone else. Good news is that my lawyer at least has the evaluation as well and is going to mail it to me on Monday so I can take a look at it.

But here's the kicker...

This caseworker told me that my next court date is on September 3rd. First I've heard of this... first my lawyer has heard of this... first that Hailey's grandparent's lawyer has heard of it as well. In fact, his dates are protected September 2-16 because he is involved with another case. So it's definitely news to all of us. I don't know what the hell is going on, but at least I'm not the only person in the dark.

I wish I could go into more detail than that. I know I made a promise that I'd always share all but for the sake of my case, I think it's best that I don't for the time being. Sorry y'all!

To My Darling Daughter

When did you get so big? Just two weeks ago, you almost still looked like my baby. Now you're pushing the age of 3, already barely stuffed into your 3T clothing and size 7 1/2 shoes. At 36 inches tall you've only grown a mere 2 inches since January but you look completely different to me. Where the heck did that tan come from!? I could spend every day outside and I would never tan like that. Where did you get that ability from? It sure wasn't from me.

I look at you and I see this little girl now. You're forever my baby in my heart, but it's time for me to suck it up and admit it - you're all grown up now. You're truly a full fledged toddler. There is no going back to that little girl who slept in a crib, drank from a nuby sippy or needed mommy to do everything for her. Now you're helping me change you and dress you. You're running over to hold my hand so we can walk places together. You're climbing stairs, opening doors and feeding yourself and I can't change that as badly as I want to deep down.

I'm so incredibly proud of you. You have been through so much in the last year - a lot of it being my own fault. But you're still that strong, determined Hailey who loves life and wants nothing more than to jump and dance. Best of all, I know you still love me despite all of the times I didn't do my best. We could all learn a very big lesson from you. I know I still have a lot to learn. Let's make a trade. I'll be sure to teach you everything I know if you'll be sure to teach me everything you know. Deal?

I want you to know that no matter what happens this year, no matter how bad it is and no matter if things don't go the way we all hope and pray... I will be there for every moment no matter what it costs me and no matter how hard or how long I have to fight for it. Big or small, you can count on me to always deliver. I will continue to give up everything I own for the sake of making sure you never go without - until I have nothing left. And even then, I'll still make sure I find a way to assure you the best today and tomorrow possible.

It doesn't matter if you're 3 or 30, you'll always be my little girl - my baby Hailey. I love you.

Life in Limbo

It's been a crazy day for me. I got a phone call from my lawyer's secretary to let me know that my lawyer wanted another face-to-face. It always makes me so nervous when she wants us to have a meeting although in the end, I always leave these feeling better about everything.

But then Charlie brings up the bills. I realize we're adults and it's something we have to talk about, but it's such a touchy subject these days. I know I'm falling short lately - and by a lot. I need a "real" job but I just can't see how that is going to work out. If Hailey were home, it would be plausible. But with her not here, I can't work on weekends and no one is going to hire me over someone else who is willing to do that. And even if I were able to get a job likely working minimum wage and busting my ass, it would also mean that I wouldn't have as much time for the work I do online - which means it'll all fall to pieces and I'll end up having just as much income in the end for twice the amount of work.

I don't know what to do any more. I just keep working hard and hoping it pays off in the end. I wake up every day hoping that somehow, my sales have picked up and I'm making more money again. But they don't. In fact they are lower than ever.

I have just enough money right now to pay for child support and the cell phone bill. I used to cover the cable bill and part of food, rent.. everything. But the last couple of months have been really bad for me sales wise. It's so disheartening. I have to ask Charlie for gas money just so I can go get Hailey this weekend - and he's no better off than I am since he's having to pick up my financial slack.

I hope this next meeting with my lawyer is a good one. I hope that somehow, it means everything is going to be alright and that we're in the home stretch. I want my daughter home. I want to stop giving money to people who make 3 times as much as my husband and I combined. I want to wake up every day knowing Hailey is in her bedroom - probably up and playing with her toys. I want to know that the money I make is going directly to caring for her and not just in someone else's pocket. I want my life to get out of limbo. I want a "real" job. I want to go back to school. I want to be able to spend weekends at home with my family and it not have to involve spending a bunch of money on gas or doing hours worth of driving to make it happen.

When will life go back to normal?

It Won't Be Like This For Long

Thing song hits me hard in a million ways. I sat listening to it with tears absolutely pouring down my face. My husband played it for me yesterday - and it was bad enough that I was missing Hailey more than I do day to day.



Losing Hailey made me realize how much I took her for granted - everything about her from her laughs, her smiles and even the moments when she misbehaved. I didn't realize just how much I had until it wasn't there. I really hate myself for that.

I'll never forget the first time I got to hold her after that horrible day in court. I held her tighter than ever, breathed her in so deeply and cried - because she didn't even smell like my baby any more. The light had left her eyes and this cold, lost Hailey was staring back at me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. And even when she did things she shouldn't or misbehaved... I couldn't even get mad. I was just so happy to be apart of it.

I'm thankful that I was given this chance in some ways. I've never appreciated my daughter more than I do now. I've never known more that being her mommy is what I was meant to do with my life. I never realized just how good I really had it and how truly blessed I was until in a blink, it was all gone. And when I see other women with their kids and they are yelling at them or getting frustrated and angry, I wonder if they realize just how much they really love their children deep down or if they have any idea what it would feel like to not have them anymore. I wonder if they have any clue just how bad things could really be or how lost they could become.

So I listen to this song and it reminds me that not only am I missing out on everything going on with Hailey today, but those are memories I can never get back. I can't push the clock back to January 13th and start over like nothing happened. When Hailey is given back, I have to start from where she left off and try desperately to create new memories that can never replace the ones I missed.

I encourage you to look at your children. Remember all those times you complained about the terrible 2's or 3's? Remember when you said "I can't wait until s/he is out of that phase" or complained about your hormonal teenagers? Please try to remember It won't be like this for long.

Lyrics:
He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long
It won’t be like this for long

To Want or Not to Want More Children - That is the Question

I was doing some blog hopping when I came across an interview on a blog called Blessed Quiver about a lady named Kelly. She did a guest posting and shared her story of her 3 children and how badly she wanted more children - while her husband did not. I read the story aloud to Charlie because the topic really struck me hard for some reason.

I should go on record by saying I don't have a fabulous track record with children. I had my first child at 19 and to say that I was unprepared for motherhood is an understatement. Through a long and dramatic process, my mother weasled her way into gaining custody of my first child. He's turning 5 this year. I can sadly and honestly say that I didn't fight hard enough for him. I didn't do what I was supposed to in order to continue being his mother. I wasn't ready to fill those shoes and as much as I [what's a better word for hate?] my mother I know he's in a lot of ways, better off with her.

The custody battle over my daughter has been no less than excrutiating. I made some poor choices that in some ways I don't regret. Leaving my ex husband, walking out that door and taking her someplace safe was the right decision. It may not have been the best or most legal choice I could have made, but it was right for her and I both. But now I have my back against the wall as I am told by the family court system when to jump and how high. I've cleared every hurdle - sometimes just barely, but I have fought my damn hardest and I will not stop until my daughter is home where she belongs.

Getting a little more on track, I've come to realize that I'm not mother of the year. I don't know if I want more children or if I even deserve more children for that matter. From my experiences with the custody battle, I have learned that anyone can just swoop in with a bunch of lies and false statements from others and turn your entire world upside down. And it doesn't even matter if you prove them to be lying. It doesn't even matter if they admit to it. Your past mistakes are enough to condemn you and they make you go through the whole process anyways. It's left me wondering if I'm up to the challenge - if I even want to risk having to ever go through this heart-wrenching tale again by having more children.

But unlike Kelly's husband, mine does want a lot of children. He's an only child and has always wanted a big family. He loves children - which was obvious to me from the moment he met my daughter. He wants as many as we can afford financially and mentally - and as many as my body can stand to carry. The real kicker is that my husband is possibly infertile and I use possibly only because I don't want to think he's definitely infertile although it's extremly likely.

When Charlie mentions it, I get upset. I don't know if I ever want more children, but what if I do? Is the answer just No? If in a year from now I decided I wanted to start adding to our family, is it potentially impossible? Although I don't know if I want more, I'd like to know that it's at least an option.

I should explain that Charlie suffers from gigantism. He had a tumor on his petuitary when he was younger and had it removed as a teenager. He has to have a testosterone shot every 2 weeks as a result. Testosterone shots ultimately cause men to have a lower sperm count and let's just say that Charlie has been on them for a very long time now. So like I said, it's entirely possible that he's infertile now.

We made the agreement that if by some chance Hailey was not returned to us, we would not have any more children. I can't see having more children if I don't have her. I look at her little face and I say to myself "She's enough for me." I'll probably feel differentlty down the road. She'll get older and she won't need me as much and I'll begin to feel the baby burn once more - but that's only if I have her.

Sometimes I stop at Hailey's bedroom door and I just stand there, knowing she's not on the other side of it. When she's not here, there is a terrible void in my home. She completes this family and I don't feel like anything is missing so long as she's here with us. But I've spent the last almost 7 months now without her home - just taking each brief visitation I'm given one at a time. I can't say it's all been bad. As much as I hate to admit it, it's given me a chance to really find myself - figure out who I really am apart from being Hailey's mom. Then again, it's also led me to the conclusion... I AM HAILEY'S MOM. That's who I really am - first and foremost. I've experienced the world around me and that's really it for me.

I just don't know yet if I can be another child's mom on top of it. If I decided to and Charlie is really infertile, what are my options? Specialists, donors, adoption? Those things are so expensive. Is that really the route I'll have to take? It makes me desire having more children even less - and that's pretty sad. How does Charlie feel about all of this? If it came down to it, I'd do it - but only if it's what he really wanted.

Teaching The Autistic Child

I saw an amazing quote on TV the other day. I know... of all places. This quote really holds a special place in my heart.

"If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn."

My daughter Hailey is very special. I knew early on that she was... different. She was diagnosed with Autism in February of this year and while I knew deep in my heart all along, it was devastating for me. Teaching her how to do the most simple of tasks has been challenging, but over the course of the last year, I have come to learn what does and doesn't work for her. That is where the above quote really comes in.

Hailey is a very hands on child. She prefers to figure things out for herself. But there are just some things she had to be taught. We had to find special ways of communicating with her so that we could teach her in ways she could understand. This meant a lot of patience, care and repetitiveness. This meant allowing her to observe something she was interested in at the grocery store for 30 minutes while standing in an aisle having the employees look at me like I was crazy. It meant a lot of redirection and persistence. Above all, it meant a very tired mommy.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love her quirks and I love that she is different. She's incredibly bright - she just does things differently. She always ends up at the appropriate place so who cares what road she takes to get there? Let's face it - all children are different in their own ways anyhow. They should be taught according to how they learn - not the way we think they should.

Hailey has improved greatly in the last year. She's currently seeing three therapists - Speech, Occupational and Physical. She's excelled in every category and is on her way to being a fully functional toddler - all because we've all been patient and did things in ways she could understand. That quote only encourages me further as a parent - to continue on this path and teach my daughter in the way I know she can learn and not the way society dictates.

Other Moms & Their Blogs

So I just joined up with BlogFrog. It's some sort of social networking ring for bloggers. Looked promising and in a way, it made me feel better to know that there are other moms out there who write about themselves and the lives of their families. Then again, it also made me feel like crap.

Look at them all with their cutesy pictures of their children. They all sound so happy and really have it together. Or perhaps that's just my perception since I'm in such a negative place right now. Who is going to want to read about some stay at home mom who doesn't have custody of her child due to some stupid custody battle that doesn't even make sense? I must sound so pathetic.

This is rather discouraging for me. My point isn't to necessarily attract readers, but then again it is. I mean, if I didn't hope someone read this then I would just write it all privately on my hard drive where no one would ever see it. The point is to get people involved. They should read and feel like someone else has been there. But I read these other mom's blogs and it makes me remember that they are in a place I used to be in, am not any more and don't know when or if I ever will be again.

Well damnit, here is MY cutesy picture to cheer myself up! Yes, my lovely daughter picking her nose. Can't wait until she gets her first boyfriend. *evil grin*

Ups, Downs & Visitation

Like every other weekend, I went to pick Hailey up at the designated meeting point (conveniently a 10 minute drive for her grandparents and a 90 minute drive for myself). Her grandfather met with Charlie and I and as usual, began his chatter. Oy that man can talk. I imagine he doesn't get to say much around his wife so instead, I get to hear it.

Apparently Hailey was sick last week with a "low grade fever" as he described it. Of course then he mentioned it was actually a fever of 103.5 and that most certainly isn't mild - especially considering that this is at least the 10th time this child has been sick since January. I only wish I were exaggerating. He tells me about her visit to the doctor and about her being put on antibiotics - as if the poor child doesn't have enough medication running through her veins. What's one more?

The issue I'm having is that all of this occurred last Wednesday and this is the first time I'm hearing about it - despite the fact that I communicated with her grandparents all last week regarding other medical issues Hailey is having and not once was any of this brought to my attention. I really just cannot understand that. It's not like I'm asking to be made aware of every sneeze or runny nose. But a temperature of 103.5 and another visitor to the doctor for more medication is a big enough event that I should be made aware. I have a home phone, cell phone and e-mail. They can always reach me.

Then Les starts telling me that a new DSS worker is involved with the case. Neither my lawyer nor the Guardian Ad Litem informed me of this. No DSS worker has contacted me and I provided everyone with my new telephone number. Apparently this case worker has already interviewed them and observed them with Hailey. That's twice now that DSS has done this and I have yet to be given the opportunity to defend myself or my parenting skills. Not that I need to, but I believe I have the right to do so.

I was under the impression that DSS was no longer involved. That's what I came to understand based on what my lawyer told me. They didn't file any claims. They came to my house, investigated and left. They even said that I should be granted the unsupervised visitation I was shooting for at the last hearing. Because let's face it - it never should have been supervised in the first place. Legally speaking, Hailey never should have been removed from my custody for this mess anyways. So naturally, I immediately wrote to both my lawyer and the GAL to ask what the heck is going on. I'm kind of wondering if either of them even know about this. I assumed someone would tell me this sort of information!

In more happy news...

I love having Hailey home. It's so comforting knowing that she's right here, playing with her toys and watching Noggin. Just having her here brings such a sence of calm and normalcy to this house that I crave the moment she's away.

Charlie and I took her to the park for about 30 minutes. It was super humid and it began to rain not 3 minutes after we packed up the truck and left. She had a great time and Charlie got to spend a little time with her before coming home. He made lunch for us and it's in the oven. He'll be asleep for most of the day since he hasn't been to bed yet from working until 3am. That man is amazing. He does so much for us.

Now it's time to go dance! :D

The Usual Suspects

My name is Kimberly Rose, but you can call me Kimi. I'm 23 years old and I am a work at home mom. I'm originally from New Orleans, Louisiana but despite living there for the first 11 years of my life, I still call Colorado "home". I did most of my real growing up there.

I have been doing graphic design and web development for the last 6 years. I'm not particularly fantastic, but I really enjoy the work. I develop 3D content for the virtual world of IMVU. It's currently my main job focus.

I'm a high school graduate and a college drop-out. Hopefully I'll have the chance to go back to school in the next couple of years for something I'm really interested in - rather that going to school because my parents are forcing me to.


Charlie is my fantastic husband. He's 33 years old and originally from Richfield Springs, New York. He suffers from gigantism and is 6 feet, 8 inches tall. We make a fun pair.

He has an Associate's Degree in Criminal Justice with a minor is Forensics. Unfortunately, that gets you nowhere in the small town we live in. So until something better comes along, Charlie works for AT&T Wireless 411. It's a crappy job, but it pays the bills.

I'm lucky in that my husband has this amazing passion for so many things in life - criminal justice, security, cooking and most importantly - family. It takes an incredible man to not only fall in love with a woman who has been through a lot emotionally, but to fall in love with her special needs child.



Hailey is the glue that holds this family together. She's my 2 1/2 year old daughter and the most amazing toddler I could ever imagine. She's so well behaved that it scares me.

Despite being diagnosed with Autism in February 2009, Hailey continues to improve and is sure to win your heart with just one smile. She's incredibly intelligent and has a vibrant glow about her and spectacular taste for life. She has so many quirks and it's what I love about her most.

Hailey loves jumping! It's her absolute favorite pastime. If you've got a bouncy chair nearby, you're sure to find her on it. She loves looking at books and being read to. She loves puzzle time on Noggin and watching TV with her mommy.



Cinders is my adopted, fuzzy son. He's our male, bombay cat. At a whopping 15 pounds, he's my fat and annoying house cat.

He's highly intelligent - too smart for his own good if you ask me. He knows he owns us and he makes sure to remind us every day at feeding time. Cinders is more of a dog, really. He will play fetch, come when he's called and listens to several commands.

Talking is what Cinders does best. This cat almost never stops meowing. He loves to "talk" about his day with us - particularly in the morning. Above all, he's mommy's special boy. He loves to snuggle on his own terms and is always there to give love and even kitty kisses!



Flora is the true baby of the family. She's our 1 1/2 year old purebred miniature daschund and what I like to call my red-headed step child. At 9 1/2 pounds, she's fully grown! Flora was the runt of her litter, but don't let that fool you. Despite her size, she can kick your butt (trust me, she whoops up on her brother, Cinders all the time.)

She loves to play fetch and bask in the sun. Running around outside is what she does best - apart from sleeping. She's usually found wrestling with Cinders or hiding under a pile of blankets somewhere, snoozing.