Not So Wordless Wednesday - With Pictures!

I've seen so many other mommy bloggers participate in Wordless Wednesday and I really love what it's about. But I can't ever seem to come up with anything to post! I get the point of the Wordless Wednesday theme - to post a picture without any sort of explanation or caption to go with it. But then I start to post a picture I absolutely love and I feel the need to talk about the picture and why it's so important and why I chose it.

I guess I'm just not "deep" enough to participate. haha

I was looking through old pictures of Hailey, trying to choose one to post. I love them all and I could say so much about any of them. But the more I looked, the more I realized that I can't just choose one. She looks so happy in these and who doesn't love a happy, smiling baby!?

I remember when it was so easy to make Hailey laugh. She was so little and everything in the world was outright hilarious to her. A simple funny face was all it took. I remember when I used to arm myself with the camera, hide behind it and then pop out with "Boo!" and a silly face. She'd absolutely scream with laughter and I'd get a great picture. You do that now and she just looks at you like you're crazy. I'm sure every other mother in the world who tries to take pictures of their toddler can relate.

Remember that point where pictures were fun... just before your kids got too "mobile" and taking pictures was a difficult task [and often meant that a photo shoot of 50+ pictures resulted in only 3 or 4 good ones you'd actually send to your family]? Yeah. I'm talking that very brief time in your child's life when getting awesome pics was a breeze and they always looked great [and OMG Keri this totally excludes your always perfect looking children. Just kidding hun... sorta! haha]

So moms... lets go back to those days. The task is to go back in time and select your favorite pictures of your baby's smile [let's narrow it down to three for the sake of sanity]. Don't forget to link back here so other moms can share as well and most importantly, don't forget to leave a link to your post in my comments so we can all share!

Apparently I birthed Gene Simmons. This has ALWAYS been one of my favorite pics of Hailey.

She loved her first shoes. This was taken the same day she actually stood for the first time.


Can you believe this was taken in August 2007!? Look at that cute little tooth!

Blessings From Strangers

I'm so incredibly touched right now. In fact, I'm still crying as I write this.

This year has showed me both the good and bad sides of the world - particularly the people who inhabit it. I'm lucky that despite all of the negativity in my life and the emotional pain I am going through, I've still somehow managed to meet some incredible people who have made all of this just a bit less painful for my family.

And then there's Patches. I believe in fate and I think she ended up on our doorstep for a reason. I'm feeling rather lonely these days and quite frankly, I've run out of things productive to do with my time. With Hailey not here to nurture, my days literally consist of browsing for jobs to apply for, working, communicating with my clientele and keeping the house clean [which really is a damn breeze since I'm married to a man who cleans up after himself and understands the concept of a hamper]. After all of that, it's like... What am I supposed to do with my time?

I've also been so sick in the last week and having Patches to play and cuddle with has been really healing for me. It's just a calming experience. Cinders doesn't much care for affection - or rather, he wants it on his own timing. And Flora... her idea of attention involves running around and chasing after a toy. She's a very on the spur of the moment kind of dog and her energy and need for attention comes in bursts. So it's been nice having a little animal around who needs and wants me.

It's been suggested to me that I should continue living my life as if Hailey were home. That's something I've stuck to the best I can. But when I have nothing to do, where else am I going to be than at my computer? There is only so much television and sleep one can soak up. I can't afford to go out and even if I could, it's not something I'd be doing if Hailey were home. Most we ever did was go to the grocery store without her or to the movies. So right now, Patches is a nice little filler for my time.

And luckily after today, I think we will be bringing her into our home very soon. An incredibly nice woman from IMVU who I hardly know to be honest, donated $50 to go towards the cost of getting Patches "house-cat friendly". The kindness of strangers absolutely astounds me. I catch so much crap from people at times who suggest that people online can't be real friends and then I experience things like this and I say "Well why the hell can't my online friends be considered real friends!?" I'm truly touched and extremely blessed. I'm fortunate to experience such a wonderful happening during such a cruel time in my life. A million thanks once again to the very nice lady. We'll be sure to take excellent care of little Patches!

To Keep or Not to Keep?

Yet another story about Patches, our "outside cat"...

I've been dancing around Charlie trying to figure out how he felt about keeping Patches. I didn't know if he wanted her or if he was just keeping her around because I've become so attached to her [and her to myself]. But he told me today that he'd like to keep her.

That's great and it's the answer I was hoping for. But it's not the happy, perfect scene you'd imagine. While Charlie would like to keep her, he wants her to remain outdoors for now in hopes that "in a few months" we'll be able to afford to spend the money on her shots. I'm not at all happy with that. I don't agree with that at all.

I'm stubborn and I'm a very now or never sort of woman. I believe in seizing opportunities because I know if we don't do what we want now, the chance for it won't come around when we finally decide to act. I know this because it always seems to happen that way to me. Beyond my stubbornness is that voice in the back of my head screaming to me "That's not fair." - to Patches that is.

I keep thinking about our own Flora and Cinders being inside and not having to run under the house when it rains. I remember just a few months ago how really upset Charlie was [more like completely devastated] when Cinders took a trip under the house and we couldn't get him to come out. I remember it raining and I remember what a stressful and upsetting day it was for all of us - Cinders included. So how fair is it for him to say that Patches is just fine living under our house?

Oh wait... it's not.

I want to keep Patches. I'd very much love to give her a home. I'd like very much to have a new kitty to love on and take care of [And at this point in the year after all I have been through, I think in a lot of ways, I need Patches]. But I can't just force her to live outside for the next few months because I only hope my financial situation will change and I'll be able to more readily spend the money on the things she needs in order to be an indoor cat.

I told Charlie that before his vacation is over, we need to make a decision. Either we take Patches to get her shots at the SPCA and bring her into our home, or we take her to the SPCA where they will take care of her and find her a good home. If we really love that darn kitty as much as I think we do, than that's our only options.

I Be Rockin' Them Beats... Too Fast

Since my diagnosis on Wednesday, I have been trying to take it easy and trying to pay closer attention to my body and what sets it off. Let's just say that yesterday's constant roof banging was not what the doctor ordered.

Most of yesterday was spent trying to keep my cool and trying to keep my heart rate down. I totally didn't succeed... not even close. I was tired from my heart beating so rapidly. I was anxious and far too overstimulated from all of the loud banging and the heavy thuds that caused pieces of my ceiling spackle to fall to the floor [damnit, I mopped all of the hardwood floors the day before too].

The banging started at 7:30am and stopped only twice that day for about 30 minutes each time. By about 4:30pm, I'd grown completely overwhelmed and I somehow managed to crawl into Charlie's bed and fall asleep. Charlie says they left around 5:30 or so. So for 9 hours yesterday, there was banging going on here. I woke up around 8pm and I felt a little better, but I was feeling the after effects of the day for sure.

A lot about yesterday reminded me of my ex husband's snoring and how the noise of it affected me. I realize now that while the noise itself was incredibly annoying, that was really but a fraction of the problem for me. I've had this heart problem likely for years now [I can't remember a time when I didn't have the dizzy spells anyway]. I remember the tightening of my chest and the anxious feeling that made me feel so sick. I just didn't realize that there was more to it and it was only yesterday that I put 2 and 2 together.

I can't wait until the 15th so I can find out what is going on. I'm so scared and I keep thinking about what will happen to Hailey if something should happen to me - which only gets me more upset and feeling like crap.

My Current Diagnosis: I'm Not Dead Yet

I just got home from the doctor. Charlie is making me some lunch. I'm really not feeling well and quite frankly, I'm even more scared now than I was before my visit to the doctor.

I told the doctor everything that has been going on in regards to my dizzy and fainting spells as of late. We went through a bit of my medical history including my past with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It was concluded that I would need a series of tests to check out my heart, blood flow, vein pressure, etc. I also need a bunch of tests run on my blood which I will know more about on September 15th when I have to return to the doctor.

First thing they did was attach a bunch of those little electrode things to me - one behind each ear and one on each of my sides. This was to test the pressure of my veins and my heart rate. Next I was given a new set of electrodes - one on the inside of each wrist, each ankle and several below my breast. This was to measure the flow of my blood.

My heart rate is too high. The current recommendation is for me to start taking Beta Blockers. Yeah... at 24 years of age. What is basically happening [well, more like may be happening since we aren't 100% sure yet] is my heart is beating too fast and when I become anxious or excited, my blood pressure skyrockets and then drops which is causing me to get dizzy and faint because I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. Current diagnoses until my blood work comes back is that I have Syncope - which is just a really fancy word for fainting.

The beta blockers if I for sure have to go on them, are going to make me sleepy which should be okay because I'm supposed to take them at night. It should give me a full night's sleep and reduce my anxiety which dah dah dah daaaahhh.. Is likely being caused by how damn stressed out I am over this custody battle. Thank you state of Georgia and South Carolina for giving me health issues.

Next on the list is my problem with PCOS which I am definitely still having. In fact, it's likely causing me a lot of problems right now - most notably my weight gain and my inability to lose any of which I gain. We're not going to bother with it for right now. First thing is to keep me from fainting and then we'll go on to fixing my PCOS.

I may need a cat scan. I may need a lot of crazy things. We'll have to see what my blood work says.

Yes, I Use the Internet. How Extraordinary.

I can't say what this is really about or even to whom these next remarks are aimed at. Really, it's more me posting in frustration than anything else.

I've been using the internet since I was 7 years old. I remember when AOL didn't exist and I remember when my family got its first real computer [apart from the Commodore 64 my biological father had given to me to play Wheel of Fortune and Frogger on]. I remember dial up. I remember playing games on AOL Kids and chatting with Lord only knows who.

No one knew the safety issues back then. There wasn't yet knowledge of things like pedophiles and adults pretending to be children in order to lure them. MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter... but a twinkle in someone's eye yet to be fabricated. This was Pre-Google, Pre-Blogging, Pre-everything.

And now times have changed. There are so many social networking sites that even I don't know about. Joining these sites is as quick and easy as typing in an e-mail address and a name. I can think of many of these sites that I have joined in the last 10 years alone and most of them I've never stuck with because quite frankly, who has time for all of them? I stick with the ones I enjoy and the ones that matter to me. I'm careful about who I speak to. I know how to be safe online and I feel it's something everyone should learn.

Why even use them? Simple. I lost contact with a lot of people that were really important to me. I've only recently come in contact with some people that once made up a huge part of who I am and being able to write a quick message to those people on MySpace, Facebook or whatever... it really makes me feel like I'm regaining those friendships and I enjoy being able to know what those people are up to because I care about them.

Fortunately, everyone has a MySpace or a Facebook these days. And I do mean everyone. We're talking movies, celebrities, regular people. You can find one in regards to thousands of parenting subject matters, toe lint or anything else you're looking for. Why? Because this is the age of technology. This is the era of being connected with people at a touch of a button. And how nice is it to be able to sit at your desk after a hard day and talk to people who share your interests or understand what you're going through? All that while being able to sit in your pajamas!

I will be the one to admit that social networking sites can easily consume your time. That said, it's important that one learn to manage their time on them effectively. What is the goal of logging in at that moment? Do what you need to do and get away from it - that's my motto. I spent a whole year completely sucked into MySpace all because I was too damn interested in what other people were doing and not enough with what I needed to be doing [mostly because my life sucked and I felt like I needed to escape the realities of my first marriage].

But the absolute BEST part of the internet? All of the blogging, the social networking sites, the groups one can belong to... it can all add up to something fantastic. Did you know that at least 90% of the activities I do online immediately correlate to my [likely abstract] marketing strategy? Even this blog is apart of a much larger picture that some people fail to see.

This blog is read by a bunch of people on IMVU - some of which purchase products from me frequently. It's also read by complete strangers who have chosen my blog as their daily read. It's read by professionals, students, mothers. You click on ads. You click on certain links. It might make me a dollar. Who knows. I have very subtle advertisement here because I feel that the content should come first and foremost. At some point, you will be able to get to my online store via this site once I am done redesigning it [this blog and the store]. Everything will become one flawless integration because the best in the business know that keeping people's interest and keeping them on your own web pages is essential in making money online.

That's why I have social networking pages. That's why I have things set up this way. Sure, there are other motives. I do enjoy the work. I definitely enjoy blogging. I enjoy that I can type a quick message to a friend instead of calling them and waking their sleeping kids at nap time. I enjoy that I can type out an entire blog using my cell phone and post it in the middle of the night at a completely random hour just because something was on my mind and it woke me - all without even having to leave bed to go to my desk.

The absolute BEST part? Doing these things takes no time at all. I timed myself. I changed my status on MySpace, Twitter and Facebook simultaneously from my cell phone. It took me 20 seconds to type out a substantial status change within the 140 character limit and to hit send. This blog I'm writing? So far it's taken me about 15 minutes.

Even better is that I use websites like Twitterfeed to make Twitter updates for me. It posts an update on my behalf that I have posted a blog here and I don't even have to be at my computer. The program runs itself. I can do the same thing with my blog posts. I sometimes write a blog and set it to post later in the day. Having daily content is very important in Google ratings so I actually have a few blogs stored up and saved as drafts. If and when I need them posted because I have nothing else to post at that time, I can simply tell the system to post it. Sometimes I change the times on things because I don't really care about what time things are posted. This is the internet. No one really believes that I posted things at the exact time it says I did. Anyone who does is a fool.

Let's be honest here. What else do I have to do with my time right now if I'm not online and working? What I do for a living isn't that abnormal. Millions of people are graphic artists. Thousands of people create content on IMVU. Tens of thousands [if not more] are shopkeepers on CafePress and make a nice living selling their graphic art on products. And I'm talking 5 and 6 figure kind of nice living. I could have that. I WOULD have that if my old store hadn't been deleted by a certain someone. But instead, I'm struggling now to start from scratch.

My daughter isn't home. I have no diapers to change. No sippy cups to pour. No Hailey to play with. I've sadly got nothing but time on my hands these days to work my ass off. I'm looking for a regular job. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. But once those phone calls are made and there is nothing else for me to do, I have tons of time left over in which I divvy up between friends, family and work. So yes, I spend a lot at my computer these days. I'm working my ass off.

Oh Silly Patches

Look at how happy Patches is! It's because mommy just fed her and she has a full, happy belly!

We're still undecided on what we're doing with her. Charlie's mom suggested that we keep her as an outdoor cat for at least a few months in hopes of our situation changing and us maybe being able to keep her. Charlie said we would talk about it later in the week.

I don't know... I'd much rather just take her to the SPCA now rather than keeping her living under my house for months in hopes of what 'may happen'. She's just an animal, but her life rests in our hands and we have to be fair and do what's best.

From what I can tell, it's actually cheaper to go there instead of the vet if we did want to keep her. It's $95 for: age appropriate vaccinations, dewormings, spay or neuter surgery, rabies vaccination, feline leukemia and FIV test, Frontline application, collar, ID tag and a cardboard pet taxi. And considering how much I know it costs for Flora and Cinders for that stuff, I know that $95 is a steal. Doesn't mean I have it to spend right now, but it's still a good price.

Patches is getting really playful so I'm hopeful that if we decide to give her to the SPCA, she'll find herself a good home. She's so snugly which I'm not used to being that our cat Cinders doesn't enjoy affection this much. Patches has been giving me little love nibbles and batting at my hand with her paws playfully. She's really sweet and it's such a shame that someone probably just dropper her off on our doorstep without a care.

Going to the Doctor

I have an appointment on Wednesday at 9:10 to see our doctor. I'm scared... absolutely petrified. They wanted to know if I needed to be seen today and if I were feeling faint right then. Charlie says they probably would have called an ambulance had the answer been yes. So we just told them I needed to be seen this week - so Wednesday it is.

I really wanted to go to one of Hailey's therapy appointments this week but I fear I won't be able to. I don't think I can make it. I can hardly make it to my own kitchen and back right now. I went to warm up some leftover spaghetti and I felt faint four times in a 6 or 7 minute span. The last thing I need right now is to faint in front of Hailey. The poor child has been traumatized enough this year.

I'm sure whatever is wrong with me will be figure out this week. Pretty sure my case doesn't belong in an episode of House or anything. But nevertheless, I'm really scared. I'm mostly scared because I don't know what I should fear. I mean, this could be anything. I don't know what sort of conclusion I have to possibly look forward to and it's freaking me out even more.

I Have a Potentially Serious Illness

I'm sick right now. Very sick. I'm so sick that I don't know what's wrong with me... sick in a way that will require a visit to the doctor to find out what's wrong.

I'm starting to get very scared. I've never had something that I couldn't self diagnose or something that some Tylenol or cold medicine couldn't cure. I'm hesitant to talk about it - mostly because I know I may just be working myself up over nothing. But it's also because I know my ex and his step mother are reading this and I don't want them to think I can't take care of Hailey and misconstrue my words. Whatever it is that is wrong, it didn't stop me from being able to care for Hailey on Saturday all on my own because whatever is wrong, has been a problem for years.

I can't remember when this problem started because when I really think about it, I can't remember a time when I didn't have it. It started off that whenever I'd laugh, I'd lose strength. I couldn't grasp thing as tightly, pull as hard and stuff like that. But it wasn't a big deal - I just didn't carry heavy objects while laughing. Simple enough.

But then fast forward literally at least 10 years, and I found myself struggling more with the problem. I remember having the problem while living in Georgia. I remember expressing emotion and sometimes feeling a bit faint. It had to be a lot of emotion in either direction in order for me to lose blood pressure and have to hold onto something to steady myself else I'd fall. But it happened so seldom and I just didn't really think about it other than when it happened. It wasn't a real problem.

I moved to Cordova and the issue slowly got worse. For the past year I have had the issue happen more frequently and in a more severe manner. My uncontrollable weight gain leads me to believe it may be related to the issue. But just when I thought it was bad and that it was a real problem, Friday night happened.

That was the night that Patches arrived on our door step. I went to the front door to check to see if she were still there. Charlie was sitting near by in the living room and I called to him from the front door and told him she was still there. And that's when it happened. The room got dark. My knees buckled and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt myself going down and I instinctively reached out for the door handle. I caught myself, took a deep breath and my focus came back. I remember telling Charlie he needed to get to me and then I blacked out. The room went dark again and I don't remember much of anything. I remember Charlie holding me up and walking me towards a chair in the living room and that's about all. For the next minute or so, I couldn't function.

Charlie says that my pupils shrunk and he wiped foam from my mouth. Some people have suggested that I may have had a seizure, but nothing I know about seizures nor have read recently indicates that that is what I had. Of course, that's still possible but I seriously doubt it. It could be a multitude of things that I know of and possibly a bunch more that I don't.

I didn't go to the Emergency Room. I know you're probably thinking that that's the adult and responsible thing to do. I didn't go for a multitude of reasons - most importantly being that I knew I needed to suck it up because it was Friday night and my only day with Hailey was the next day. It doesn't matter if I feel like I'm dieing, she comes first. And of course, the fact that it's a $75 co-pay to go to the ER and only a $20 co-pay to see my doctor played a role as well. I'm fine - at least fine enough to function at home until I get a doctor's appointment [which I will be calling for today].

I've felt like crap ever since. I've been waking up every two hours - sometimes less. But then I get so tired finally that I sleep for a ridiculous amount of time at inappropriate hours. But that's only been in the last few days. Saturday, I just slept a lot in the truck and I took a nap when Hailey did.

For those of you asking, no I am not pregnant. I'm about 99% sure that between my problems and Charlies, it's impossible for me to get pregnant. I don't think pregnancy would cause me to feel like this way anyhow. Whatever the issue is, I'm hoping it will be addressed this week and that I will be on my way to a full recovery very soon.

More on Patches

I think we'll be taking little Patches to the SPCA. I know, I know... I just welcomed her to the family and everything and I suck. But it's a matter of what is best for her and I cannot stand the thought of her living outside while Flora and Cinders get to be in the house with us. It started to thunder and lightning last night which made me so incredibly sad for Patches.

Charlie's mom keeps saying "Sam [Charlie's niece] will probably take it.." but she already has so many animals and I think I'd rather take it somewhere it can be adopted. If we can't keep her, I bet there is a little girl out there just dying to have a kitten she can love [or maybe a nice old lady].

Charlie mentioned the SPCA first and I'm guessing that's what he wants to do so it probably is what we'll do.

Welcome To The Family

We've decided to keep little Patches as an outside cat. It has become very, very attached to me. It comes to me when I call it and it rubs up all over me and snuggles. I can't just let it starve so we're feeding it and it'll stay outside and live under the house.

I wish we could afford to get shots for it and stuff like we do the other animals but we just cannot do it right now. I can't believe I love this little kitten. I hated cats until Cinders became my step-kitty. And now there is this poor little kitten outside all alone in the dark and it makes me sad. I want to bring it inside and take care of it so bad. But Flora is a purebred and she costs a fortune at the vet and I cannot afford for her to get sick because of there being a stray cat with who knows what diseases in the house.

So welcome Patches to the family! I have no idea what the gender is and it'll be a while until we know for sure. Hoping it's a boy. I'll go insane if we have a female cat and it goes into heat and makes that horrible noise they make - and worse, if it has kitties of its own and then I end up with those as well. But welcome nevertheless little Patches! :D

It's a Girl... Now what do we do with it?

So little Patches is definitely a girl. Great... just what we need.

Charlie picked her up and looked to determine her gender and to get an idea of if she were too skinny or not. She's really healthy. And for being a stray, she's mighty domesticated. So Charlie thinks she may have been dropped off on our door step. She's not afraid of people at all. She practically ate food directly from Charlie's hand and she understands the concept of eating out of a dish.

He keeps saying that she'll be fine because she's being fed and knows she's being fed. She has the house to live under if it gets too hot. She has plenty of room to play under there and cats mice and bugs to eat. "She'll have a good life", he says. Well I'm not happy about it. I keep thinking about Flora and particularly Cinders. They get to lay around inside the house in luxury. There is no too hot or too cold. When Flora is cold, she gets under the blankets. When Cinders in hungry, he doesn't have to hunt for his food because it comes on time every day in his very own dish.

Okay, so we're also feeding Patches food - twice a day right now. Charlie thinks she's about a month old. But still. She's out there all alone all day. And if she's as domesticated as she seems, then she isn't going to do well out there before long. What happens when it gets cold? Our animals get to snuggle up with us inside while Patches is left outside to fend for herself? That's not fair. In fact, I think it's rather cruel. There is no "OMG wash your hands immediately after you pet that" in regards to our animals. I understand why... more than I think Charlie realizes I do. But it doesn't make me happy.

I know we can't afford to take her in. I understand that the shots she requires and to be spayed costs a lot of money. I know it's money we don't have right now. We have our own pets to take care of - not to mention much more importantly... having money to take care of Hailey. But if we can't properly take care of Patches and give her the home she deserves, then we need to take her to some place where she can have that.

I'd love to take her in and that's huge for me because if you know me at all, you know I hate cats. Cinders is a very different kind of cat. He thinks he's human and he acts like a dog. I like him... most days. haha Usually I'd just be pissed off that a cat were hanging around the house [particularly a female cat], but I feel so bad for little Patches. I wish I could give her a home. I don't know anyone who could take her in besides bringing her to the rinky dinky animal shelter here. I know that's probably what I should do, but I don't know what will happen to her there.

I don't know what to do with her. I feel selfish keeping her around because I'm so smitten with her if I can't at least get her the proper care and bring her into our home.

A Literally Painful Visitation

Today's visitation was very rough. I fell asleep in the truck on the way to pick Hailey up and when I woke, I was in excruciating pain. My back was spasming and I couldn't even breath without wincing in pain. In fact, I'm still in quite a bit of pain.

We got out of the truck and Charlie tried to loosen my back for me. It helped a little, but it wasn't long before I was in just as much pain as before. He had to lift Hailey up into the truck for me. No way I could do it for that moment.

I spent most of the day in pain. I enjoyed my time with Hailey. I only hope she enjoyed her time with her injured mommy. When nap time came, I laid down myself on my back in bed. Charlie brought me a back massager thing to lay on and it helped a little, but it was also rather uncomfortable.

We played hard - hard as I could any ways. Hailey did a good bit of running outside. She would run around our back yard and run to me laughing. That girl's smile is absolutely infectious. She ran around the dogs trying to steer clear of Flora. I don't think she'll ever like our weiner dog - it's kind of hyper and Flora absolutely adores Hailey and you can tell she misses her. But I took her and I back inside. I was getting bit by gnats so I'm sure she was as well.

And then came the long, emotional ride back to Charleston to drop her back off with her grandparents. I tried not to cry on the way home. Charlie and I talked as much as we could to keep our mind off of things, but it never works. I still end up in tears.

I can't wait for this to be over with.

It's Been a Crazy Week...

This last week has been insane. From being just plain busy to trying to have a little "me time" to finding out my ex-husband married a grandma and now my friend Sara is engaged and Ooie has to have knee surgery and be out of work for a long time. Just a crazy, crazy week.

As luck would have it, Charlie is off for the next 13 days. Thank goodness. We have so much still to do. Like, I dunno... painting the bedroom. I know, you're going "Damn Kimi.. You aren't done painting yet!?" No. Humor me.. I'm short. I can't even reach the top molding while on a step stool, so I need Charlie's help. haha Hailey's bedroom ceiling could use another coat of primer. Otherwise, it's been done for ages. My office has been done for ages and we finished the dining area and 99% of the living room before the wedding. There is a small area of wall that needs attention. I want to finish that and then paint the bedroom so we can move furniture all over the house again.

I dread the bathroom. In fact, I may just leave it alone for a while longer. My landlady needs to step it up and fix the bathtub tile. It's actually starting to kinda piss me off. I think I've waited long enough and been pretty dang nice about it - maybe too nice for that matter. Don't even get me started again on the monstrosity that is the painted over, wallpapered walls. *sigh*

And then Taa-Daa! We can get to work on Hailey's playroom - finally! I'm so excited about it! It's right next to my office and it's a much bigger area to spread her toys out in. I really want to separate her room and play time so she better understands when it's bed time. It's too easy for her to get out of bed and play with her toys when she should be sleeping.

And then there is just general work, work, work. From regular commissions to IMVU stuff to looking for a job outside of the house, I am just so freaking busy. In fact, I'm typing this with wet hair when I should be in the bathroom drying it so we can go grocery shopping. Heehee

And tomorrow is finally Saturday! I'm so excited! I miss Hailey bunches. Thinking of taking her to the park tomorrow if it's not blazing hot. Otherwise, we'll just play outside at home a bit under the big tree. No idea what to feed her tomorrow. I hate grocery shopping these days. I'm still so in the habit of wanting to pick up stuff that I'd normally get for her and then remember she won't be around to eat or drink it anyways. Heck, I even made her a sippy cup a few days ago not thinking. It's been a while since I did that and it got me really upset.

*Eyes clock* Okay, okay.. I need to finish getting ready and get outta here!

Charlie May Lose His Job

Just when things were about to get better [or rather, I thought they were], today happens. Charlie got sick at work. Really sick. He threw up a lot and ended up having to walk out 45 minutes before he was supposed to. He couldn't do it. Charlie's a strong-willed person and when he says he was sick and couldn't do it, he really means it.

I'm expecting him to be fired. I know, you are probably thinking "well he was really sick and they won't fire him over that". I wish that were true. AT&T enjoys firing people it seems - especially in this economy where lots of people are eager for a job and will happily take your place. You get in trouble for everything there and if you miss even a day of work because you severed a body part, you get written up and you can only get written up so many times in a year before you are fired. Charlie is at the end of his rope on that one.

• He missed work because of bone spurs growing from the bottoms of his feet - a very common problem for people who suffer from gigantism. He also got tendonitus and as the spurs pierced his tendons, it caused them to seize up and tighten more. So yes, he missed work. He was in tons of pain. He couldn't work through it.
• He also had that migraine that lasted for months. He needed a cat scan and all sorts of crazy things because the pain simply wouldn't go away. I thought the man was going to die - and that's no exaggeration. It was very scary for us. Charlie missed a week of work. He didn't have a choice. He could hardly even open his eyes, much less read a computer screen. He had tons of doctor's notes and they didn't matter.

He got into a lot of trouble for those two occurrences and they were real emergencies. But that doesn't matter. AT&T doesn't care and I fear he's really about to get fired. I guess we'll know tomorrow for sure.

Pray for my family. This is the worst time possible for this crap.

I Need My Own Car

Charlie announced to me yesterday that his mother is pissed off at me. She's upset for good reason. I returned her car to her with hardly any gas. I should start by saying that I didn't do it on purpose. It's the first time I've ever done that to her [although she claims it's the second time] and I really didn't intend to leave her with no gas.

When I bring Hailey to her grandparents after visitation and drive back, I get home around 9:45 in the evening. It's dark by then and I'm not comfortable with gas stations after dark. They've always made me nervous and I think my fear of them is rational. I decided I would take her car Sunday morning and completely fill it - thus filling the tank with more gas than she'd given me to start with. But then I honestly completely forgot.

I'm upset that she's so mad at me. It was truly an honest mistake. It really is the first time I've done that. Who knows which one of Charlie's ex girlfriends she's getting me mixed up with - likely Jennifer since she does it so often. I think I have been very fair about the use of her car. I've taken good care of it. I almost always put more gas in it than it had when I borrowed it. And if I don't, I always at least put back in what I started with.

I wanted to be angry and say "Fine, I just won't borrow her car any more" and then I remembered... That's not an option. I have to have a car in order to pick up Hailey - and Charlie's truck isn't an option for someone like me. I'm legally blind in my right eye [as a reminder to those of you who haven't read the post in reference to this blog's name here]. I have to drive a small vehical. Can I drive Charlie's truck in an emergency? Sure! But it's very difficult for me and it's not something I should be doing often.

Of course then you would probably ask why Charlie can't get a smaller vehicle that we can both drive. Need I remind you that he's 6'8" tall? He doesn't even fit into his mother's car and I mean that literally. So we struggle with the fact that we can't afford another car right now for me. We can't get a smaller car so I can just share with him. Even if that were possible, he leaves for work while I am gone dropping off Hailey. So I have no choice - I have to borrow her car to make it all work.

I hate that I can't just get in the car and go. I don't know where the heck I think I'd go, but I hate not having the option. It feels like I haven't had that option in years. Oh wait... that's because I really haven't! My ex husband took away that freedom. He tricked me a hundred times over in our marriage. I wasn't ever allowed to take my own car and drive anywhere.

I had a fully paid off 2002 Ford Focus that I worked very hard for in high school. After Joe and I got married, he decided I needed a new car because I was pregnant with Hailey. We traded in my fully paid off car for a 2005 Suzuki Reno. I loved that car for the few months I was allowed to use it until Joe decided that I wasn't allowed to drive any more or go anywhere without him. It had 800 miles on it the week I left Joe. It was in his name since he told me it had to be for tax purposes. So he took it in the divorce [and then dropped 60k CASH on a brand new car for himself while keeping my poor Suzuki hostage].

So I don't even have a car for myself. I just cannot afford it. Maybe after Hailey is home and if Charlie gets a better job. Then I can get a job when Hailey is home and we can actually afford to have a few nice things. Until then, I guess I have to deal with his mom being pissed at me a lot over me using her car. *sigh*

Visitation at its Best

Today was no less than heart wrenching [because really, who could resist that little face?]. It seems I'm on this weird mood cycle. I started noticing it last month - the wicked pattern of emotions I seem to be running.

The day of visitation I'm excited. I'm pumped and I'm ready to go! That feeling lasts until about 6pm when I realize I need to start getting Hailey ready to go back to her grandparents. By the time I make it to Charleston, I'm almost in tears. Once I see her driven away in their car, I break down every time. [Hell, I'm crying as I write this].

Days pass and for the first 4-5 days I'm okay. By 7-9, I'm great. After than I slowly begin to crumble. Two weeks lasts years these days to me. By the time I get to the evening before visitation, I'm an absolute disaster. I'm constantly crying. I think about Hailey constantly and all of this nonsense is eating away at me.

Thank God for my mother in law. I know sometimes she irritates me like every other person's mother in law, but deep down she's a really awesome lady and I'm very grateful for her. She knows how hard visitation days are for me. I came home and not only did she straighten up a bit, she has most of my laundry done and even changed the sheets on my bed and made it. It just doesn't get better than that.

At least now when I climb into bed tonight to bawl my eyes out, I can do so on some fresh linens. I know it isn't much to look at, but it's my bed and that makes it special. Ugh it looks so comfy - even just by looking at the picture. I think I shall have a swim in it shortly.


I'm so tired from today - emotionally, mentally, physically. Hailey had a fantastic time. We played hard, laughed hard. There was all sorts of jumping and dancing going on in this house. We ran around outside. We danced to music. We jumped on the bed [well she did anyways - could you imagine me doing that?]. We read books, watched Noggin and has nice naps. Lots of pictures were taken of said events.... Like these:

Watching Noggin. That smile lights rooms.

Miss Hailey-Mix-A-Lot playing with her music table.

Who doesn't love a good scream of laughter?

Worn out from the fun of it all.

Today's Random Visit from DSS

I just had a social worker randomly drop in on me because she knew I had Hailey today. When she arrived, Hailey and I were in her bedroom, sitting on the floor and reading the book we'd bought her at the aquarium. Charlie's mom comes in and announces that a caseworker is here.

Huh, what!? So I spring to my feet and close Hailey's baby gate behind me and gaze at my messy house. Okay.. it's not really messy, but like I still had my garbage bag of shoes sitting in the hall because I intend to give them to Charlie's niece and just don't have anything else to do with them right now. My bed wasn't made - because I got up at 5am and just didn't care to make it. Stuff like that.

I won't go into a lot of details because let's face it... I have no doubt that my ex husband and his family are reading this and the details are none of their business. It will suffice it to say that the meeting went extraordinarily well and I passed with flying colors. She didn't get to meet with or talk to Charlie, because naturally he was sleeping because he was up until 6 in the morning. Apparently this woman, whom my own lawyer has NEVER heard of nor spoke to, has the outcome of my psychological evaluation - something that I was told would be given to me first via the mail so I could look it over and ask questions before it was given to anyone else. Good news is that my lawyer at least has the evaluation as well and is going to mail it to me on Monday so I can take a look at it.

But here's the kicker...

This caseworker told me that my next court date is on September 3rd. First I've heard of this... first my lawyer has heard of this... first that Hailey's grandparent's lawyer has heard of it as well. In fact, his dates are protected September 2-16 because he is involved with another case. So it's definitely news to all of us. I don't know what the hell is going on, but at least I'm not the only person in the dark.

I wish I could go into more detail than that. I know I made a promise that I'd always share all but for the sake of my case, I think it's best that I don't for the time being. Sorry y'all!

To My Darling Daughter

When did you get so big? Just two weeks ago, you almost still looked like my baby. Now you're pushing the age of 3, already barely stuffed into your 3T clothing and size 7 1/2 shoes. At 36 inches tall you've only grown a mere 2 inches since January but you look completely different to me. Where the heck did that tan come from!? I could spend every day outside and I would never tan like that. Where did you get that ability from? It sure wasn't from me.

I look at you and I see this little girl now. You're forever my baby in my heart, but it's time for me to suck it up and admit it - you're all grown up now. You're truly a full fledged toddler. There is no going back to that little girl who slept in a crib, drank from a nuby sippy or needed mommy to do everything for her. Now you're helping me change you and dress you. You're running over to hold my hand so we can walk places together. You're climbing stairs, opening doors and feeding yourself and I can't change that as badly as I want to deep down.

I'm so incredibly proud of you. You have been through so much in the last year - a lot of it being my own fault. But you're still that strong, determined Hailey who loves life and wants nothing more than to jump and dance. Best of all, I know you still love me despite all of the times I didn't do my best. We could all learn a very big lesson from you. I know I still have a lot to learn. Let's make a trade. I'll be sure to teach you everything I know if you'll be sure to teach me everything you know. Deal?

I want you to know that no matter what happens this year, no matter how bad it is and no matter if things don't go the way we all hope and pray... I will be there for every moment no matter what it costs me and no matter how hard or how long I have to fight for it. Big or small, you can count on me to always deliver. I will continue to give up everything I own for the sake of making sure you never go without - until I have nothing left. And even then, I'll still make sure I find a way to assure you the best today and tomorrow possible.

It doesn't matter if you're 3 or 30, you'll always be my little girl - my baby Hailey. I love you.

Life in Limbo

It's been a crazy day for me. I got a phone call from my lawyer's secretary to let me know that my lawyer wanted another face-to-face. It always makes me so nervous when she wants us to have a meeting although in the end, I always leave these feeling better about everything.

But then Charlie brings up the bills. I realize we're adults and it's something we have to talk about, but it's such a touchy subject these days. I know I'm falling short lately - and by a lot. I need a "real" job but I just can't see how that is going to work out. If Hailey were home, it would be plausible. But with her not here, I can't work on weekends and no one is going to hire me over someone else who is willing to do that. And even if I were able to get a job likely working minimum wage and busting my ass, it would also mean that I wouldn't have as much time for the work I do online - which means it'll all fall to pieces and I'll end up having just as much income in the end for twice the amount of work.

I don't know what to do any more. I just keep working hard and hoping it pays off in the end. I wake up every day hoping that somehow, my sales have picked up and I'm making more money again. But they don't. In fact they are lower than ever.

I have just enough money right now to pay for child support and the cell phone bill. I used to cover the cable bill and part of food, rent.. everything. But the last couple of months have been really bad for me sales wise. It's so disheartening. I have to ask Charlie for gas money just so I can go get Hailey this weekend - and he's no better off than I am since he's having to pick up my financial slack.

I hope this next meeting with my lawyer is a good one. I hope that somehow, it means everything is going to be alright and that we're in the home stretch. I want my daughter home. I want to stop giving money to people who make 3 times as much as my husband and I combined. I want to wake up every day knowing Hailey is in her bedroom - probably up and playing with her toys. I want to know that the money I make is going directly to caring for her and not just in someone else's pocket. I want my life to get out of limbo. I want a "real" job. I want to go back to school. I want to be able to spend weekends at home with my family and it not have to involve spending a bunch of money on gas or doing hours worth of driving to make it happen.

When will life go back to normal?