My Online Stalkers

What kind of blog would this be if it didn't include some drama at some point? I have a live feed and I do watch it. I won't single the person out by pointing out which location it is that I know belongs to a certain someone, but I hope they realize that I see them and know they are for whatever reason, stalking me.

Ya see, I posted the link to my blog in a few locations - one of which happened to be on my Status Message on MySpace. The first time this person came to my blog, it was through that link. This woman... "Anna" we'll call her... she's not a friend of mine although she used to be. She's not on my friends list so it's not like she just happened to see my status message - she had to actually scope out my MySpace page to see it.

Okay, so it's only human to be curious. She clicked on the link, wondering where it would lead her to. I get it. But why keep coming back? Are you that nosy? Don't get me wrong - the point of the blog being public is so that people can read it. I write it, hoping people will be nosy - but not this person nor the group of women she's associated with.

This requires a story.

During my pregnancy with Hailey (so we're talking the year of 2006 here) I started participating in "Parenting Groups" [you'll understand the need for quotations during the story] on MySpace. Some were for young parents, others for baby wearers, breast feeders and more. As time went on, my participation in these groups began to heighten. I became a well-known figure in this little corner of cyberspace, donned with my ability to be absolutely in your face and always the person to tell it like it was. It gained me a sort of following - women who wanted to befriend me because they liked my assertiveness and let's face it... they didn't want to be on the receiving end of my e-brutality.

I should mention that over the course of time, these "parenting groups" [there it is again!] slowly diminished from the great, informative groups they once were. It used to all be about being able to talk with other parents about the hardships of being a parent - diapers, doctor's visits, vaccination, circumcision, car seats and every other conversation you could possibly imagine coming up in regards to parenting. Then one day, it just stopped. It became about who was the lesser parent. People were attacked on a daily basis. The slightest weakness or potentially "lesser" [read dumb] question was flocked to and picked apart by a group of vultures....

With me as the ring leader.

It amazes me still all of the hours spent with a small group of women who I then called my friends - "Anna" included. We on many occasions pretended to be friends with people just to get information about them, take them back to a private group we'd made for ourselves and giggle over what we'd found. Half the time we didn't even inform others... we just sat on the information and used it to fuel our childishness. We were at the top of our "game" and all of us became very well known as the people not to speak against in these groups.

Then one day I came to find myself weak. [This sounds so silly] I like so many of the girl's we'd picked on, became the lesser parent. I confided too many details about my abusive marriage in these women and I one day found myself attacked. It was only natural that I lost. I had taught them well after all. They knew everything about me - more information than we'd ever had on anyone else.

It had been a particularly bad week for me and in the end, I have no one to really blame but myself. I wouldn't have gotten attacked had I not lashed out at these women over something incredibly stupid. Then again, if they had really ever been my true friends, they would have understood. They would have realized that I was really hurting - emotionally, mentally and physically as I suffered through my horrible marriage. But that was it. One wrong turn and I was an immediate outcast. I made a lot of enemies during my time as ring leader of that group and they all came crashing down on me.

Weeks later, it finally hit me. I continued to read the forums I'd all but been physically casted out of and I said to myself

"Oh My God! What the hell was all of that? I can't believe I did that. Did I really spend all of my free time on THAT?"

Yup. I sure had. I lost a lot of time I could have been spending with my daughter - maybe even on my marriage. Who knows. I finally realized the way I'd tormented other women online all because I was unhappy and all because I had so many insecurities about my own life. My life was so very far from perfect, but I had a bad habit of wanting sympathy for what I was going through while pretending I was wife, mother and person of the year.

Those groups haven't changed. Those women haven't really changed. They are still all friends. They are still attacking people they find to be the lesser parent. I'm waiting for the day that they wake up and realize what they have done not only to themselves but to people around them. It's so easy to be so cruel and unforgiving when you are sitting at a computer monitor.

Now that you have a glimpse of that...

I have no idea why these women continue to stalk me. Well, I guess I do. It's the same reason we did it to other people. I'm not sure what they expect to find here. I'm not sure why they can't take the higher road and just go away. I know it's hard - I had to learn to do that myself. I just want to say "Anna", you know who you are if it's really you stalking this blog. I am sorry for the things I said and did to and with you and the other ladies you call your friends. Maybe in time, we can all learn to forgive each other. I hope that like me, you realize what it is you are doing to yourself.