I've been sort of going over all of this in my mind the last few days. Last week, Cheyenne writes me up because she sees me lurking on MySpace. Her boyfriend [and our friend] Ooie was working all night, she was bored and so she asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat. It's the first real chance I've had to be sociable without Charlie included [okay, there was that one time Sara invited me to her mini get together across the street, but being that I don't really drink nor have a ton in common with those people, it wasn't exactly earth shattering fun].
I made up an excuse not to hang out with her. I didn't lie or anything - just made up an excuse. I told her I didn't really have the money right now to go out to eat and well, that's true because I really don't. But that doesn't mean she and I couldn't just hang out or something. She probably would have come and picked me up and us go hang out - just us girls. But so many things flooded my mind and stopped me.
I feel horrible when I do fun stuff without Charlie. He works so hard to provide for us. I know he's miserable at his job. How unfair is it if I run off during the day to hang out with friends? He doesn't get to do that as much as he'd like to. So I don't feel right going off to have fun without him. I'm sure he'd love to go hang out with our friends.
So I didn't go out. Part of me just didn't feel like it anyways. I was in my pajamas [okay, unless I'm leaving the house, I'm always in my pajamas lol] and something just clicked and I didn't go. I could have made alternate suggestions for stuff that didn't require money. But I didn't, and I am very sorry Cheyenne. It really had nothing to do with you. I guess it was a weird day for me.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Emotional Roller Coaster
One of my friends is clearly going through something. I have no idea what it is and I doubt she wants to tell me. It seems like any time I ask, I hardly get any details any ways so I don't think she really wants me to know - for whatever reason that may be. In fact, she's divulged more to my husband than me in the last six months.
It's not her fault, but I've had a hard time being her friend this year. I don't want anyone, including her to misunderstand that statement. Again, it's not her fault. It has to do with what I'm going through and the stressful events of my life. Maybe that's why she doesn't tell me things. I had a really hard time after Hailey was taken. She continued with the normal complaints of motherhood - things she had every right and reason to rant about. It wasn't her fault that I was hurting and she could never understand why it was hurting so much [nor would I ever want her to].
And again, she's clearly going through something. Her emotional roller coaster is getting to me in an odd way. It's made me want to shut her out again because I can't handle her ups and downs on top of my own. And that's not her fault - not in the least. But she's literally talking about how happy she is at 1pm and crying at 3pm. She goes from being on top of the world to saying her world has fallen to pieces and right back to superb without so much as skipping a beat. I can't handle it.
I don't really even know why it's bothering me so much. Perhaps because her and I share such very similar lives up until this year? Is it because I care so deeply that I feel excited for her when she's happy and sad for her when she's upset? It's causing me my own emotional roller coaster and I just cannot handle it. Lord knows I'm riding my own right now.
I've considered un-following her on Twitter so I don't have to read the literal up to the minute updates on her life. I don't want to seem like a bad friend. I really have my reasons. I don't want her to feel as if I'm not being supportive. I'd go to the end of the world to be supportive of this woman. But in order to do that, I need a concrete story - not snippets of life updates that go up and down at the drop of a hat. I'm very conflicted and I hope that should she read this, she understands my point of view and doesn't feel hurt.
It's not her fault, but I've had a hard time being her friend this year. I don't want anyone, including her to misunderstand that statement. Again, it's not her fault. It has to do with what I'm going through and the stressful events of my life. Maybe that's why she doesn't tell me things. I had a really hard time after Hailey was taken. She continued with the normal complaints of motherhood - things she had every right and reason to rant about. It wasn't her fault that I was hurting and she could never understand why it was hurting so much [nor would I ever want her to].
And again, she's clearly going through something. Her emotional roller coaster is getting to me in an odd way. It's made me want to shut her out again because I can't handle her ups and downs on top of my own. And that's not her fault - not in the least. But she's literally talking about how happy she is at 1pm and crying at 3pm. She goes from being on top of the world to saying her world has fallen to pieces and right back to superb without so much as skipping a beat. I can't handle it.
I don't really even know why it's bothering me so much. Perhaps because her and I share such very similar lives up until this year? Is it because I care so deeply that I feel excited for her when she's happy and sad for her when she's upset? It's causing me my own emotional roller coaster and I just cannot handle it. Lord knows I'm riding my own right now.
I've considered un-following her on Twitter so I don't have to read the literal up to the minute updates on her life. I don't want to seem like a bad friend. I really have my reasons. I don't want her to feel as if I'm not being supportive. I'd go to the end of the world to be supportive of this woman. But in order to do that, I need a concrete story - not snippets of life updates that go up and down at the drop of a hat. I'm very conflicted and I hope that should she read this, she understands my point of view and doesn't feel hurt.
You Gotta Have Friends
It may seem like a silly subject to talk about, but when you're a mom - particularly one with a special needs child, friends can be difficult to come by. I often struggle with the fact that I'm just 23 years old and I'm fully settled down with a family while a lot of other women my age are free to go out and do as they please - party, stay out late etc. Don't get me wrong... I don't regret it. I just have come to really appreciate the friends that I do have.
I was reminded today of just how nice it is to have friends. Charlie and I went to see GI Joe this afternoon and several of our friends work at the theater. I love going there. Okay, so we get into the movies for free because Charlie used to work there - and that's a plus. But really, I love getting to see our friends. It makes me feel much more human and much more alive. I enjoy knowing that it's someplace I can walk into and instantly fit in because I know so many of the people there. That's a feeling I was without for so long.
During the three years I was married to my ex husband, I had only one friend and sadly I didn't have her long. My ex found her to be annoying and I admit, she could be some days. But she was my friend and she was all I had. Like us, she and her husband were a military family and after they were stationed elsewhere, I found myself completely alone and unable to befriend anyone else during such a horrible period in my life. I was too ashamed of the crappy relationship I was having with my husband and the type of depressed life we were living. I couldn't manage to put myself out there because I was far too ashamed of myself.
Let's face it, I haven't made a lot of friends since my parents moved me to South Carolina in mid 2003. I've bounced around so much that it's been impossible to - and being a military family certainly didn't help. Even if I did make a friend, they were gone as quickly as they came. That was typical since my ex husband was stationed at Fort Gordon - which is primarily a training base. Except for the people who were really stationed there to keep the base running, people were in and out a lot. I never really felt like I fit in with the other military wives anyways. Most of the ones I met had their sob stories about deployments, weeks if not years without their husbands or woes of them constantly being moved around. I didn't have those stories. Joe had been in the Army for 6 years by then. He'd already done his tour of Iraq and we knew for sure he'd never go back again. We weren't moved around - we were permanently stationed at Fort Gordon. I had nothing in common with those women except that my laundry basket looked like theirs.
I have one friend that I have known for years. I consider him my best friend and he's really been there for me through so much in the last, what is it now.. almost 5 years!? During that five years, I can count on my hands how many times we've seen each other in person. That makes for a rather odd friendship but I talk to him more than most friends do I guess. Not a day goes by without an instant message box going between us and if it does, I tend to get worried about him. ha! But anyways... no matter how good of friends we are despite that, a person comes to crave the personal interaction with others.
Charlie has known some of the people in our "circle" as I like to call it, for upwards of 15 years. Pretty much everyone he knows, knows one another. In fact, it's hard to run into people who don't know our friends as I was shown today at the theater when a new kid working there didn't know who we were and a friend of ours who works there explained who we are. The conversation was rather amusing...
I was reminded today of just how nice it is to have friends. Charlie and I went to see GI Joe this afternoon and several of our friends work at the theater. I love going there. Okay, so we get into the movies for free because Charlie used to work there - and that's a plus. But really, I love getting to see our friends. It makes me feel much more human and much more alive. I enjoy knowing that it's someplace I can walk into and instantly fit in because I know so many of the people there. That's a feeling I was without for so long.
During the three years I was married to my ex husband, I had only one friend and sadly I didn't have her long. My ex found her to be annoying and I admit, she could be some days. But she was my friend and she was all I had. Like us, she and her husband were a military family and after they were stationed elsewhere, I found myself completely alone and unable to befriend anyone else during such a horrible period in my life. I was too ashamed of the crappy relationship I was having with my husband and the type of depressed life we were living. I couldn't manage to put myself out there because I was far too ashamed of myself.
Let's face it, I haven't made a lot of friends since my parents moved me to South Carolina in mid 2003. I've bounced around so much that it's been impossible to - and being a military family certainly didn't help. Even if I did make a friend, they were gone as quickly as they came. That was typical since my ex husband was stationed at Fort Gordon - which is primarily a training base. Except for the people who were really stationed there to keep the base running, people were in and out a lot. I never really felt like I fit in with the other military wives anyways. Most of the ones I met had their sob stories about deployments, weeks if not years without their husbands or woes of them constantly being moved around. I didn't have those stories. Joe had been in the Army for 6 years by then. He'd already done his tour of Iraq and we knew for sure he'd never go back again. We weren't moved around - we were permanently stationed at Fort Gordon. I had nothing in common with those women except that my laundry basket looked like theirs.
I have one friend that I have known for years. I consider him my best friend and he's really been there for me through so much in the last, what is it now.. almost 5 years!? During that five years, I can count on my hands how many times we've seen each other in person. That makes for a rather odd friendship but I talk to him more than most friends do I guess. Not a day goes by without an instant message box going between us and if it does, I tend to get worried about him. ha! But anyways... no matter how good of friends we are despite that, a person comes to crave the personal interaction with others.
Charlie has known some of the people in our "circle" as I like to call it, for upwards of 15 years. Pretty much everyone he knows, knows one another. In fact, it's hard to run into people who don't know our friends as I was shown today at the theater when a new kid working there didn't know who we were and a friend of ours who works there explained who we are. The conversation was rather amusing...
Charlie: "I used to work here. I've known Julian for a good 10 years now."I guess my topic got sort of all over the place. My real point is that I have friends now and a lot of them. It's all strange to me and I'm still not used to it. But when we're in a group of people, I'm suddenly so calm now and happy in ways I haven't been in a very long time. I find myself so lucky to have all of these friends who not only understand the type of people Charlie and I are, but that we have responsibilities - particularly to Hailey. And most importantly, I'm lucky to have friends who understand the child that Hailey is and that they all love her and many of them participate in her life.
New Kid: "Oh cool. Do you know a Jason Cote?"
Charlie: "Haha Yes. I've known him for 15 years."
New Kid: "Cool! he's my coach!" [On a side note, I find that hilarious and it makes me feel old.]
