Dear God, I Hope You're Amused.

Right now, God is in heaven and looking down at me. He's rolling across a cloud back and forth while laughing and pointing at me. I can just imagine him doing that right now. Well God, I hope you are amused and pleased with yourself. I'll admit, I'm finding this a bit funny as well.

Today, I started to wonder if I was the big ole P word - you know.. pregnant. Foods were suddenly too salty. I started smelling things no one else seems to smell. I suddenly can't stand the thought of consuming some of my favorite foods. So naturally, I thought it might just be possible. And since I have PCOS and my periods come pretty much whenever I feel like it, it was entirely possible that I could have been. After all, I haven't had a period since April.

I figured hey, my blood test includes a pregnancy test so I'll know on the 15th if I am or not. No sense in worrying over it until then, right?

So just as I get done having an entire discussion with some friends about how I'm feeling and my "symptoms" I decide I need to use the bathroom only to find that my monthly whenever it feels like it friend has come for a visit.

It's proof that God has a sense of humor. He's watching and he enjoys a little drama and misery every now and again.

My Current Diagnosis: I'm Not Dead Yet

I just got home from the doctor. Charlie is making me some lunch. I'm really not feeling well and quite frankly, I'm even more scared now than I was before my visit to the doctor.

I told the doctor everything that has been going on in regards to my dizzy and fainting spells as of late. We went through a bit of my medical history including my past with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It was concluded that I would need a series of tests to check out my heart, blood flow, vein pressure, etc. I also need a bunch of tests run on my blood which I will know more about on September 15th when I have to return to the doctor.

First thing they did was attach a bunch of those little electrode things to me - one behind each ear and one on each of my sides. This was to test the pressure of my veins and my heart rate. Next I was given a new set of electrodes - one on the inside of each wrist, each ankle and several below my breast. This was to measure the flow of my blood.

My heart rate is too high. The current recommendation is for me to start taking Beta Blockers. Yeah... at 24 years of age. What is basically happening [well, more like may be happening since we aren't 100% sure yet] is my heart is beating too fast and when I become anxious or excited, my blood pressure skyrockets and then drops which is causing me to get dizzy and faint because I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. Current diagnoses until my blood work comes back is that I have Syncope - which is just a really fancy word for fainting.

The beta blockers if I for sure have to go on them, are going to make me sleepy which should be okay because I'm supposed to take them at night. It should give me a full night's sleep and reduce my anxiety which dah dah dah daaaahhh.. Is likely being caused by how damn stressed out I am over this custody battle. Thank you state of Georgia and South Carolina for giving me health issues.

Next on the list is my problem with PCOS which I am definitely still having. In fact, it's likely causing me a lot of problems right now - most notably my weight gain and my inability to lose any of which I gain. We're not going to bother with it for right now. First thing is to keep me from fainting and then we'll go on to fixing my PCOS.

I may need a cat scan. I may need a lot of crazy things. We'll have to see what my blood work says.

Yes, I Use the Internet. How Extraordinary.

I can't say what this is really about or even to whom these next remarks are aimed at. Really, it's more me posting in frustration than anything else.

I've been using the internet since I was 7 years old. I remember when AOL didn't exist and I remember when my family got its first real computer [apart from the Commodore 64 my biological father had given to me to play Wheel of Fortune and Frogger on]. I remember dial up. I remember playing games on AOL Kids and chatting with Lord only knows who.

No one knew the safety issues back then. There wasn't yet knowledge of things like pedophiles and adults pretending to be children in order to lure them. MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter... but a twinkle in someone's eye yet to be fabricated. This was Pre-Google, Pre-Blogging, Pre-everything.

And now times have changed. There are so many social networking sites that even I don't know about. Joining these sites is as quick and easy as typing in an e-mail address and a name. I can think of many of these sites that I have joined in the last 10 years alone and most of them I've never stuck with because quite frankly, who has time for all of them? I stick with the ones I enjoy and the ones that matter to me. I'm careful about who I speak to. I know how to be safe online and I feel it's something everyone should learn.

Why even use them? Simple. I lost contact with a lot of people that were really important to me. I've only recently come in contact with some people that once made up a huge part of who I am and being able to write a quick message to those people on MySpace, Facebook or whatever... it really makes me feel like I'm regaining those friendships and I enjoy being able to know what those people are up to because I care about them.

Fortunately, everyone has a MySpace or a Facebook these days. And I do mean everyone. We're talking movies, celebrities, regular people. You can find one in regards to thousands of parenting subject matters, toe lint or anything else you're looking for. Why? Because this is the age of technology. This is the era of being connected with people at a touch of a button. And how nice is it to be able to sit at your desk after a hard day and talk to people who share your interests or understand what you're going through? All that while being able to sit in your pajamas!

I will be the one to admit that social networking sites can easily consume your time. That said, it's important that one learn to manage their time on them effectively. What is the goal of logging in at that moment? Do what you need to do and get away from it - that's my motto. I spent a whole year completely sucked into MySpace all because I was too damn interested in what other people were doing and not enough with what I needed to be doing [mostly because my life sucked and I felt like I needed to escape the realities of my first marriage].

But the absolute BEST part of the internet? All of the blogging, the social networking sites, the groups one can belong to... it can all add up to something fantastic. Did you know that at least 90% of the activities I do online immediately correlate to my [likely abstract] marketing strategy? Even this blog is apart of a much larger picture that some people fail to see.

This blog is read by a bunch of people on IMVU - some of which purchase products from me frequently. It's also read by complete strangers who have chosen my blog as their daily read. It's read by professionals, students, mothers. You click on ads. You click on certain links. It might make me a dollar. Who knows. I have very subtle advertisement here because I feel that the content should come first and foremost. At some point, you will be able to get to my online store via this site once I am done redesigning it [this blog and the store]. Everything will become one flawless integration because the best in the business know that keeping people's interest and keeping them on your own web pages is essential in making money online.

That's why I have social networking pages. That's why I have things set up this way. Sure, there are other motives. I do enjoy the work. I definitely enjoy blogging. I enjoy that I can type a quick message to a friend instead of calling them and waking their sleeping kids at nap time. I enjoy that I can type out an entire blog using my cell phone and post it in the middle of the night at a completely random hour just because something was on my mind and it woke me - all without even having to leave bed to go to my desk.

The absolute BEST part? Doing these things takes no time at all. I timed myself. I changed my status on MySpace, Twitter and Facebook simultaneously from my cell phone. It took me 20 seconds to type out a substantial status change within the 140 character limit and to hit send. This blog I'm writing? So far it's taken me about 15 minutes.

Even better is that I use websites like Twitterfeed to make Twitter updates for me. It posts an update on my behalf that I have posted a blog here and I don't even have to be at my computer. The program runs itself. I can do the same thing with my blog posts. I sometimes write a blog and set it to post later in the day. Having daily content is very important in Google ratings so I actually have a few blogs stored up and saved as drafts. If and when I need them posted because I have nothing else to post at that time, I can simply tell the system to post it. Sometimes I change the times on things because I don't really care about what time things are posted. This is the internet. No one really believes that I posted things at the exact time it says I did. Anyone who does is a fool.

Let's be honest here. What else do I have to do with my time right now if I'm not online and working? What I do for a living isn't that abnormal. Millions of people are graphic artists. Thousands of people create content on IMVU. Tens of thousands [if not more] are shopkeepers on CafePress and make a nice living selling their graphic art on products. And I'm talking 5 and 6 figure kind of nice living. I could have that. I WOULD have that if my old store hadn't been deleted by a certain someone. But instead, I'm struggling now to start from scratch.

My daughter isn't home. I have no diapers to change. No sippy cups to pour. No Hailey to play with. I've sadly got nothing but time on my hands these days to work my ass off. I'm looking for a regular job. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. But once those phone calls are made and there is nothing else for me to do, I have tons of time left over in which I divvy up between friends, family and work. So yes, I spend a lot at my computer these days. I'm working my ass off.

Oh Silly Patches

Look at how happy Patches is! It's because mommy just fed her and she has a full, happy belly!

We're still undecided on what we're doing with her. Charlie's mom suggested that we keep her as an outdoor cat for at least a few months in hopes of our situation changing and us maybe being able to keep her. Charlie said we would talk about it later in the week.

I don't know... I'd much rather just take her to the SPCA now rather than keeping her living under my house for months in hopes of what 'may happen'. She's just an animal, but her life rests in our hands and we have to be fair and do what's best.

From what I can tell, it's actually cheaper to go there instead of the vet if we did want to keep her. It's $95 for: age appropriate vaccinations, dewormings, spay or neuter surgery, rabies vaccination, feline leukemia and FIV test, Frontline application, collar, ID tag and a cardboard pet taxi. And considering how much I know it costs for Flora and Cinders for that stuff, I know that $95 is a steal. Doesn't mean I have it to spend right now, but it's still a good price.

Patches is getting really playful so I'm hopeful that if we decide to give her to the SPCA, she'll find herself a good home. She's so snugly which I'm not used to being that our cat Cinders doesn't enjoy affection this much. Patches has been giving me little love nibbles and batting at my hand with her paws playfully. She's really sweet and it's such a shame that someone probably just dropper her off on our doorstep without a care.

Going to the Doctor

I have an appointment on Wednesday at 9:10 to see our doctor. I'm scared... absolutely petrified. They wanted to know if I needed to be seen today and if I were feeling faint right then. Charlie says they probably would have called an ambulance had the answer been yes. So we just told them I needed to be seen this week - so Wednesday it is.

I really wanted to go to one of Hailey's therapy appointments this week but I fear I won't be able to. I don't think I can make it. I can hardly make it to my own kitchen and back right now. I went to warm up some leftover spaghetti and I felt faint four times in a 6 or 7 minute span. The last thing I need right now is to faint in front of Hailey. The poor child has been traumatized enough this year.

I'm sure whatever is wrong with me will be figure out this week. Pretty sure my case doesn't belong in an episode of House or anything. But nevertheless, I'm really scared. I'm mostly scared because I don't know what I should fear. I mean, this could be anything. I don't know what sort of conclusion I have to possibly look forward to and it's freaking me out even more.

Just Say No to Generic Mayo

There are so many ways to cut corners financially and a big one is buying cheaper food. Buying generic brands is pretty key and most off brands taste the same as the big names - and sometimes even better for half the price.

We've started buying Walmart's brand "Great Value" and for the most part, it's been an okay experience [this from the family that takes a lot of pride in their cooking and enjoys the use of fresh and quality ingredients]. It's been a little tough. That Great Value pasta just wasn't quite what we're used to but it'll do. These Great Value wheat crackers aren't quite the Wheat Thins I love, but they are a decent alternative. The Great Value butter - well, it's butter. The Great Value Frosted Flakes are okay - slightly different texture but they taste pretty good.

All of that, I could handle.

And then there came the Great Value mayonnaise. No friggin thank you. Okay so maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Charlie hadn't mistakenly picked up the Light version [double ew]. It's not Charlie's fault. Not like he's ever purchased this brand before. But boy is it nasty. I draw the line at generic mayo.

There are just things I can't live without even if there is a cheaper alternative. I believe in Charmin toilet paper. I hang onto very few luxuries and I refuse to let that one go. Fortunately my husband agrees with this. My Lipton Citrus Green Tea and my Arizona Tea are my drinks of choices and either one or both of them are in this house at all times. But most other things, I can either do without if I have to, or find a cheaper alternative.

I Have a Potentially Serious Illness

I'm sick right now. Very sick. I'm so sick that I don't know what's wrong with me... sick in a way that will require a visit to the doctor to find out what's wrong.

I'm starting to get very scared. I've never had something that I couldn't self diagnose or something that some Tylenol or cold medicine couldn't cure. I'm hesitant to talk about it - mostly because I know I may just be working myself up over nothing. But it's also because I know my ex and his step mother are reading this and I don't want them to think I can't take care of Hailey and misconstrue my words. Whatever it is that is wrong, it didn't stop me from being able to care for Hailey on Saturday all on my own because whatever is wrong, has been a problem for years.

I can't remember when this problem started because when I really think about it, I can't remember a time when I didn't have it. It started off that whenever I'd laugh, I'd lose strength. I couldn't grasp thing as tightly, pull as hard and stuff like that. But it wasn't a big deal - I just didn't carry heavy objects while laughing. Simple enough.

But then fast forward literally at least 10 years, and I found myself struggling more with the problem. I remember having the problem while living in Georgia. I remember expressing emotion and sometimes feeling a bit faint. It had to be a lot of emotion in either direction in order for me to lose blood pressure and have to hold onto something to steady myself else I'd fall. But it happened so seldom and I just didn't really think about it other than when it happened. It wasn't a real problem.

I moved to Cordova and the issue slowly got worse. For the past year I have had the issue happen more frequently and in a more severe manner. My uncontrollable weight gain leads me to believe it may be related to the issue. But just when I thought it was bad and that it was a real problem, Friday night happened.

That was the night that Patches arrived on our door step. I went to the front door to check to see if she were still there. Charlie was sitting near by in the living room and I called to him from the front door and told him she was still there. And that's when it happened. The room got dark. My knees buckled and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt myself going down and I instinctively reached out for the door handle. I caught myself, took a deep breath and my focus came back. I remember telling Charlie he needed to get to me and then I blacked out. The room went dark again and I don't remember much of anything. I remember Charlie holding me up and walking me towards a chair in the living room and that's about all. For the next minute or so, I couldn't function.

Charlie says that my pupils shrunk and he wiped foam from my mouth. Some people have suggested that I may have had a seizure, but nothing I know about seizures nor have read recently indicates that that is what I had. Of course, that's still possible but I seriously doubt it. It could be a multitude of things that I know of and possibly a bunch more that I don't.

I didn't go to the Emergency Room. I know you're probably thinking that that's the adult and responsible thing to do. I didn't go for a multitude of reasons - most importantly being that I knew I needed to suck it up because it was Friday night and my only day with Hailey was the next day. It doesn't matter if I feel like I'm dieing, she comes first. And of course, the fact that it's a $75 co-pay to go to the ER and only a $20 co-pay to see my doctor played a role as well. I'm fine - at least fine enough to function at home until I get a doctor's appointment [which I will be calling for today].

I've felt like crap ever since. I've been waking up every two hours - sometimes less. But then I get so tired finally that I sleep for a ridiculous amount of time at inappropriate hours. But that's only been in the last few days. Saturday, I just slept a lot in the truck and I took a nap when Hailey did.

For those of you asking, no I am not pregnant. I'm about 99% sure that between my problems and Charlies, it's impossible for me to get pregnant. I don't think pregnancy would cause me to feel like this way anyhow. Whatever the issue is, I'm hoping it will be addressed this week and that I will be on my way to a full recovery very soon.

More on Patches

I think we'll be taking little Patches to the SPCA. I know, I know... I just welcomed her to the family and everything and I suck. But it's a matter of what is best for her and I cannot stand the thought of her living outside while Flora and Cinders get to be in the house with us. It started to thunder and lightning last night which made me so incredibly sad for Patches.

Charlie's mom keeps saying "Sam [Charlie's niece] will probably take it.." but she already has so many animals and I think I'd rather take it somewhere it can be adopted. If we can't keep her, I bet there is a little girl out there just dying to have a kitten she can love [or maybe a nice old lady].

Charlie mentioned the SPCA first and I'm guessing that's what he wants to do so it probably is what we'll do.

Welcome To The Family

We've decided to keep little Patches as an outside cat. It has become very, very attached to me. It comes to me when I call it and it rubs up all over me and snuggles. I can't just let it starve so we're feeding it and it'll stay outside and live under the house.

I wish we could afford to get shots for it and stuff like we do the other animals but we just cannot do it right now. I can't believe I love this little kitten. I hated cats until Cinders became my step-kitty. And now there is this poor little kitten outside all alone in the dark and it makes me sad. I want to bring it inside and take care of it so bad. But Flora is a purebred and she costs a fortune at the vet and I cannot afford for her to get sick because of there being a stray cat with who knows what diseases in the house.

So welcome Patches to the family! I have no idea what the gender is and it'll be a while until we know for sure. Hoping it's a boy. I'll go insane if we have a female cat and it goes into heat and makes that horrible noise they make - and worse, if it has kitties of its own and then I end up with those as well. But welcome nevertheless little Patches! :D

It's almost my birthday and I'll whine if I want to.

My birthday is in two weeks on September 14th. It's coming quickly and it just crossed my mind. It's hit me that we won't be doing anything for my birthday. Not that this should bother me I guess. It's not like I have had a decent birthday in years anyway so what's one more? At least this year I'm not being held against my will in my bedroom and being told that I'm being punished.

I want Hailey home for my birthday. But that's a Monday and she has therapy. And I know if I tell her grandparents that I want her, they will say okay and substitute Monday the 14th in for Saturday the 12th when I'm supposed to have her - thus defeating the entire point. And if they didn't do that, it would mean I'd have to make an extra trip to Charleston to get her. She's worth it - every penny and every mile. But blah just the same.

I don't think Charlie has gotten me anything for my birthday - not that I blame him nor do I want to make him feel guilty. It's not like I was able to get him anything for his [although it was at his request that we didn't really celebrate it]. On the one hand, I want to do something fun and enjoy the day. On the other hand, it would leave me feeling all crappy and guilty for spending money just because it was my birthday.

I don't even know what I'd want. Well, I do - but it's not going to happen anyways.

It's a Girl... Now what do we do with it?

So little Patches is definitely a girl. Great... just what we need.

Charlie picked her up and looked to determine her gender and to get an idea of if she were too skinny or not. She's really healthy. And for being a stray, she's mighty domesticated. So Charlie thinks she may have been dropped off on our door step. She's not afraid of people at all. She practically ate food directly from Charlie's hand and she understands the concept of eating out of a dish.

He keeps saying that she'll be fine because she's being fed and knows she's being fed. She has the house to live under if it gets too hot. She has plenty of room to play under there and cats mice and bugs to eat. "She'll have a good life", he says. Well I'm not happy about it. I keep thinking about Flora and particularly Cinders. They get to lay around inside the house in luxury. There is no too hot or too cold. When Flora is cold, she gets under the blankets. When Cinders in hungry, he doesn't have to hunt for his food because it comes on time every day in his very own dish.

Okay, so we're also feeding Patches food - twice a day right now. Charlie thinks she's about a month old. But still. She's out there all alone all day. And if she's as domesticated as she seems, then she isn't going to do well out there before long. What happens when it gets cold? Our animals get to snuggle up with us inside while Patches is left outside to fend for herself? That's not fair. In fact, I think it's rather cruel. There is no "OMG wash your hands immediately after you pet that" in regards to our animals. I understand why... more than I think Charlie realizes I do. But it doesn't make me happy.

I know we can't afford to take her in. I understand that the shots she requires and to be spayed costs a lot of money. I know it's money we don't have right now. We have our own pets to take care of - not to mention much more importantly... having money to take care of Hailey. But if we can't properly take care of Patches and give her the home she deserves, then we need to take her to some place where she can have that.

I'd love to take her in and that's huge for me because if you know me at all, you know I hate cats. Cinders is a very different kind of cat. He thinks he's human and he acts like a dog. I like him... most days. haha Usually I'd just be pissed off that a cat were hanging around the house [particularly a female cat], but I feel so bad for little Patches. I wish I could give her a home. I don't know anyone who could take her in besides bringing her to the rinky dinky animal shelter here. I know that's probably what I should do, but I don't know what will happen to her there.

I don't know what to do with her. I feel selfish keeping her around because I'm so smitten with her if I can't at least get her the proper care and bring her into our home.

A Midsummer Night's Nightmare

Last night, I had a nightmare within a nightmare. It was probably the most vivid dream I've ever had - and that's saying something because my dreams have always been extremely vivid. You know how in a lot of dreams, you are dreaming about someone who isn't you... but yet they are you in the dream? It was one of those. Except in this case, I had two dreams - specifically a nightmare within a nightmare.

It started off that the woman in the dream was at some sort of Christmas office party. Gifts were being given to the employees - a set of kitchen knives in some sort of small duffel bag. But as it turned out, the woman got fired at the party in front of everyone and she was really embarrassed. To make up for that, she caused a scene and said she was still taking her gift because she'd earned it. Somehow during the scene, she ends up passing out, which is when she begins to have a nightmare.

She finds herself in some sort of old cabin and in a long, flowing white nightgown. She walks past a door (which by the way, was totally the back door to Charlie's mom's side of the house. In fact, there were several rooms within the nightmare that were my own home). As she's walking past the door, she catches a glimpse of what is actually her reflection but she doesn't realize it at first because it's a man looking back at her. She runs from the door only to catch her reflection in a mirror and realizes it's her... except she looks at her hands and what she sees isn't what the reflection is showing.

As she wanders the house, she comes to a room and finds a man crying all alone. She startles him but it's soon somehow determined that they need to stick together because they aren't there to harm one another. They spend some time talking but I could never really make out what the subject was. Then they start hearing a voice - a sort of creepy, squeaky voice almost that of a child. They can't make out what the voice is saying so they begin to walk around the house trying to find it, fearing a child may be alone in the house.

They find the room that the voice is coming from. I don't really remember what the voice was saying, but it freaked the characters out. The man goes first and slowly opens the door. He walks in with the woman close behind him. There is no one in the room. It was a fairly large bedroom with very light pink walls, curtains and a bed. On the floor they found what appeared to be a large group of black wigs stuck together. It was just this mass of nappy looking hair spread out on the floor. They get closer and suddenly the voice stops. Then the mass of hair jumps up from the floor and lets out a huge scream and lunges at the woman.

The character is startled and starts to wake up from the nightmare. As she fights to wake up, so do I. I could feel her struggling and I tried to scream in my sleep. I felt the pressure of my lungs trying to scream out so someone in the house would wake me from the nightmare. Then my eyes shot open and I was awake, but I felt like someone was holding me down by my shoulders and keeping me from sitting up. It was another 30 seconds before I was completely awake and able to function.

I sat up in bed. My body hurt still. My throat felt like I had been screaming but neither Charlie nor his mom heard any screaming last night. I was asleep for approximately 20 minutes. I must have been on the very brim of REM sleep which is probably why I had such a hard time forcing myself awake. Whatever the reason, it was friggin scary. I've had much more abstract dreams but never one quite so vivid and real feeling. It was like I could touch things in the nightmare and knew what they felt like.

I managed to go back to sleep but I feel like crap today.

A Literally Painful Visitation

Today's visitation was very rough. I fell asleep in the truck on the way to pick Hailey up and when I woke, I was in excruciating pain. My back was spasming and I couldn't even breath without wincing in pain. In fact, I'm still in quite a bit of pain.

We got out of the truck and Charlie tried to loosen my back for me. It helped a little, but it wasn't long before I was in just as much pain as before. He had to lift Hailey up into the truck for me. No way I could do it for that moment.

I spent most of the day in pain. I enjoyed my time with Hailey. I only hope she enjoyed her time with her injured mommy. When nap time came, I laid down myself on my back in bed. Charlie brought me a back massager thing to lay on and it helped a little, but it was also rather uncomfortable.

We played hard - hard as I could any ways. Hailey did a good bit of running outside. She would run around our back yard and run to me laughing. That girl's smile is absolutely infectious. She ran around the dogs trying to steer clear of Flora. I don't think she'll ever like our weiner dog - it's kind of hyper and Flora absolutely adores Hailey and you can tell she misses her. But I took her and I back inside. I was getting bit by gnats so I'm sure she was as well.

And then came the long, emotional ride back to Charleston to drop her back off with her grandparents. I tried not to cry on the way home. Charlie and I talked as much as we could to keep our mind off of things, but it never works. I still end up in tears.

I can't wait for this to be over with.

The Fuzzy, Late Night Visitor

Charlie just woke me from my blissful sleep. He was trying to watch a movie and he kept hearing this meowing - he even yelled at our cat to stop a few times. But as it turns out, we have a little visitor on our front porch.

There is a very cute kitten sitting on the top step in front of my front door. It's young, but not a new born kitty. It looks really healthy like it hasn't been outside long. Charlie fed it and we've already named him [errr her? it?] Patches.

But unfortunately for dear Patches, there just isn't room in this home for another ball of fuzz. Not only is tomorrow my visitation day in which I will extremely busy - way too busy to take care of a new kitty, but my purebred miniature Dachshund is due for her shots and my red-headed step child comes before strange kittens at my door step. As much as I'd love to take her in and as much as I'd love to be able to find her home, or even a nice new home... she's going to have to go find another doorstep in the area. *sigh*

Patches ate a nice little plate of my cat's food. Cinders is a fatty so I'm sure he can go without that one can of wet food. Good luck Patches. Hope you find a nice home with a nice family who has the time and money to care for you properly.

It's Been a Crazy Week...

This last week has been insane. From being just plain busy to trying to have a little "me time" to finding out my ex-husband married a grandma and now my friend Sara is engaged and Ooie has to have knee surgery and be out of work for a long time. Just a crazy, crazy week.

As luck would have it, Charlie is off for the next 13 days. Thank goodness. We have so much still to do. Like, I dunno... painting the bedroom. I know, you're going "Damn Kimi.. You aren't done painting yet!?" No. Humor me.. I'm short. I can't even reach the top molding while on a step stool, so I need Charlie's help. haha Hailey's bedroom ceiling could use another coat of primer. Otherwise, it's been done for ages. My office has been done for ages and we finished the dining area and 99% of the living room before the wedding. There is a small area of wall that needs attention. I want to finish that and then paint the bedroom so we can move furniture all over the house again.

I dread the bathroom. In fact, I may just leave it alone for a while longer. My landlady needs to step it up and fix the bathtub tile. It's actually starting to kinda piss me off. I think I've waited long enough and been pretty dang nice about it - maybe too nice for that matter. Don't even get me started again on the monstrosity that is the painted over, wallpapered walls. *sigh*

And then Taa-Daa! We can get to work on Hailey's playroom - finally! I'm so excited about it! It's right next to my office and it's a much bigger area to spread her toys out in. I really want to separate her room and play time so she better understands when it's bed time. It's too easy for her to get out of bed and play with her toys when she should be sleeping.

And then there is just general work, work, work. From regular commissions to IMVU stuff to looking for a job outside of the house, I am just so freaking busy. In fact, I'm typing this with wet hair when I should be in the bathroom drying it so we can go grocery shopping. Heehee

And tomorrow is finally Saturday! I'm so excited! I miss Hailey bunches. Thinking of taking her to the park tomorrow if it's not blazing hot. Otherwise, we'll just play outside at home a bit under the big tree. No idea what to feed her tomorrow. I hate grocery shopping these days. I'm still so in the habit of wanting to pick up stuff that I'd normally get for her and then remember she won't be around to eat or drink it anyways. Heck, I even made her a sippy cup a few days ago not thinking. It's been a while since I did that and it got me really upset.

*Eyes clock* Okay, okay.. I need to finish getting ready and get outta here!

Let's Be Considerate

[Insert long sigh here] Charlie is right. I'm handling this the wrong way. I removed a couple of posts I made. Sometimes it's best to write things out for yourself and not for the world to read. It's a level of discretion I've simply not yet achieved. I'm young still - there is time to work on it.

I still find the entire situation to be shocking and all too bizarre. It's just... life has been so crazy in the last year and it just recently looked like I could slow it all down, ya know? We're in the home stretch and I know in my heart that Hailey will be home soon. But I have been concentrating so much and so hard on my own family and keeping our noses clean to make that happen so I missed what was going on around me and I hadn't anticipated something like this. Well, that is until a few days ago when I wrote the post which basically stemmed entirely of me wondering what would happen later in Hailey's life.

I mean, you can't blame me for worrying about what would happen when Joe got re-married and if he ever had more children. I'm sure a lot of divorced mothers can relate to that. I don't want to call it a fear so much as it's something I knew I would need to prepare myself and Hailey for. But this? Nothing could have prepared me for this. I honestly find the news that my ex husband married a woman 22 years older than him to be shocking. I'm not the only one. It was immature of me to handle it like I did, but in all fairness... I'm truly shocked right now. It was one thing that Hailey would someday have a step mother. It was one thing that she'd likely have step siblings. But now she has a step mother who is older than her grandmother.

Let's be real here. My half sister is practically my mother's age. My niece is older than I am. My nephew is almost my age. My parents were 20 years apart in age and it did have an adverse affect on me. Naturally, I'm worried about how all of this is going to affect Hailey long-term.

And that's all any of this is really about. What is in Hailey's best interest? She's already been deprived of a normal childhood. She's already been apart of a broken home. When I re-married, I did so carefully. If I didn't feel that Charlie and I could together give Hailey a decent shot at a great and normal life to make up for all of the stuff my ex husband and I had put her through, then I wouldn't have married Charlie at all. I just wonder if Joe really thought about what he was doing in terms of Hailey. Because whether he is or isn't involved with her in the long run, I have to explain all of this stuff.

I just don't understand why life can't be normal. It's like we almost get there and then something changes that I have to account for. It's frustrating.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other.

I received an e-mail from my lawyer reminding me to make sure I monitor the content of my blogs because apparently, it's been confirmed that Hailey's grandparents and apparently my ex husband are reading this. My question is...

Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Like, I dunno... care for Hailey?

I think for the most part, I have been very adult about my postings here and careful of what I say. There is a very fine line between censorship and me just being careful about how I word things or what I discuss. I think I have walked that line with grace. I always think before I post stuff here and on several occasions, I have mentioned that I couldn't discuss a subject further because I had a suspicion that they were reading this.

I have no doubt that my blogs will be printed out. I have no doubt that they will be brought up in court. I also have no doubt that none of it will matter. In my heart, I know I have already won and nothing I have bitched about in this blog thus far is going to make a difference. When I first starting writing this blog, I changed all of the names and I left out tons of stuff. [Remember my post about Writing with No More Censorship?] I stopped doing that. I started over. If I'm going to write, then it's going to be real.

If Hailey's grandparents and my ex husband can't handle that, they they need a new hobby that doesn't involve snooping on me. I have a lot of very good reasons for writing. Writing out one's thoughts is normal, expressive, therapeutic and I enjoy it. Maybe they are the ones who should go to therapy if they can't fight the urge to stay out of my business. Lord knows my ex husband needs it anyways.

Switching gears... Last week I made a post on Twitter asking that everyone who was following me that lived in SC to tell me because someone from Mount Pleasant had come to my page through my Twitter account - which is set to private. No one responded [except for Chris lol]. Someone who reads my Twitter isn't who they claim to be. Someone doesn't belong and I will weed them out.

I don't spy on you. Quite frankly, I don't really even care what you are doing. I care about what's happening with Hailey and nothing more. Every two weeks, I grin and bear it. We go through our awkward [un]pleasantries when we know deep down, none of us really want to hang out and chit chat. But we do it anyways because it's for Hailey and it's important that we get along or at least pretend to for her sake and well being. But for the 13 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes between visitations, I don't think about y'all. I think about Hailey. I wonder what Hailey is doing. That is my focus.

And as far as my ex husband goes, I never think of him at all. He's a sad excuse for a human being. He isn't even worth the fact that I'm mentioning him in this blog [although there is another topic that I will write after this that involves him]. I don't care what he's doing. So long as he is paying the child support owed to you, then he and I have no business [and even if he weren't, that's not really my problem.. but I would make it my problem for Hailey's sake].

Y'all were supposedly worried that there was something wrong with me. You were supposedly worried that I wasn't okay - or something of that nature. I'm fine. I have papers that say so. But if you are really as concerned for me [rather than about me] as you claim, then just leave me be. Let me have my space. Don't snoop or pry. It's rude and not fair to me.

I Suck at This Friendship Thing

I've been sort of going over all of this in my mind the last few days. Last week, Cheyenne writes me up because she sees me lurking on MySpace. Her boyfriend [and our friend] Ooie was working all night, she was bored and so she asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat. It's the first real chance I've had to be sociable without Charlie included [okay, there was that one time Sara invited me to her mini get together across the street, but being that I don't really drink nor have a ton in common with those people, it wasn't exactly earth shattering fun].

I made up an excuse not to hang out with her. I didn't lie or anything - just made up an excuse. I told her I didn't really have the money right now to go out to eat and well, that's true because I really don't. But that doesn't mean she and I couldn't just hang out or something. She probably would have come and picked me up and us go hang out - just us girls. But so many things flooded my mind and stopped me.

I feel horrible when I do fun stuff without Charlie. He works so hard to provide for us. I know he's miserable at his job. How unfair is it if I run off during the day to hang out with friends? He doesn't get to do that as much as he'd like to. So I don't feel right going off to have fun without him. I'm sure he'd love to go hang out with our friends.

So I didn't go out. Part of me just didn't feel like it anyways. I was in my pajamas [okay, unless I'm leaving the house, I'm always in my pajamas lol] and something just clicked and I didn't go. I could have made alternate suggestions for stuff that didn't require money. But I didn't, and I am very sorry Cheyenne. It really had nothing to do with you. I guess it was a weird day for me.

Charlie May Lose His Job

Just when things were about to get better [or rather, I thought they were], today happens. Charlie got sick at work. Really sick. He threw up a lot and ended up having to walk out 45 minutes before he was supposed to. He couldn't do it. Charlie's a strong-willed person and when he says he was sick and couldn't do it, he really means it.

I'm expecting him to be fired. I know, you are probably thinking "well he was really sick and they won't fire him over that". I wish that were true. AT&T enjoys firing people it seems - especially in this economy where lots of people are eager for a job and will happily take your place. You get in trouble for everything there and if you miss even a day of work because you severed a body part, you get written up and you can only get written up so many times in a year before you are fired. Charlie is at the end of his rope on that one.

• He missed work because of bone spurs growing from the bottoms of his feet - a very common problem for people who suffer from gigantism. He also got tendonitus and as the spurs pierced his tendons, it caused them to seize up and tighten more. So yes, he missed work. He was in tons of pain. He couldn't work through it.
• He also had that migraine that lasted for months. He needed a cat scan and all sorts of crazy things because the pain simply wouldn't go away. I thought the man was going to die - and that's no exaggeration. It was very scary for us. Charlie missed a week of work. He didn't have a choice. He could hardly even open his eyes, much less read a computer screen. He had tons of doctor's notes and they didn't matter.

He got into a lot of trouble for those two occurrences and they were real emergencies. But that doesn't matter. AT&T doesn't care and I fear he's really about to get fired. I guess we'll know tomorrow for sure.

Pray for my family. This is the worst time possible for this crap.

Something Good Is Going To Happen

Something really good is about to happen - I can feel it. We've been struggling and working really hard - especially in the last few months. Money is tight, but I feel like we might just catch a break somewhere. Something might just give a little.

I was really lucky to be invited to a promotional bundle advertised by IMVU on their entire website. I don't earn a ton of money per sale, but it's already sold more times than I had expected it to. I've made more money in the last 24 hours than I have in a long time because of it - so it was really good exposure and really helpful financially.

And Chris, my best friend... bless that man. He has really proven himself to me this year in ways I never expected. He's done so much for this family and I'm truly forever in his debt. I didn't have the money needed to hire a lawyer to fight for Hailey - it's why I didn't have a lawyer in the first place which is why I lost her at a status hearing for my divorce. He loaned me the money and I promised to pay him back with Charlie's tax return. But then we got the tax return and almost immediately, other people began holding their hands out for money. It's been one thing after another. I've borrowed money from Charlie's mom, we've sold things and yet more people hold out their hands.

And yet, Chris randomly hired me to do some graphic work for him for one of his websites yesterfdy. I have no doubt that he probably wanted to re-do the site but he's perfectly capable. I know he hired me so neither of us had to feel weird about him giving me more money. He'd tell you that wasn't it, but that's the kind of guy he is. No idea how much he's paying and quite frankly, I don't care. Every little bit helps right now. So I took the opportunity and I started making graphics for him.

So in that respect, things are looking up. I can't believe the Guardian Ad Litem could possibly want more money and I'm actually rather pissed off about it. We're talking $1,500 this woman just charged. I realize she charged $150 an hour, but what on earth has she been doing that she's used up $1,500 worth of her time? We haven't been to trial in ages. It couldn't have taken her more than an hour to read my evaluation. I can't see it taking hours to e-mail back and forth with the two lawyers. Believe me when I say that it doesn't matter what the cost is - because Hailey is always worth every penny. But how on earth could it be time to pay this lady again? I just managed to squeeze $300 out of our pockets to finish paying her - and we had to sell stuff to do it. She's a wonderful woman and I'm happy to have her really on my side. She's been thorough. But good Lord, no one has the kind of money she's after.

Oh, this was supposed to be a positive blog. Oh well. You have to take the good with the bad. The point is, I think that we're somehow going to be okay. Some way, somehow, everything is going to work in the end. Yesterday Charlie said "It can't happen like this forever, because we're good people and deserve better than this." He's right. We've been through a lot of hardships in the last year but we've stuck together and gotten through them all. We've worked really hard and we deserve something good to happen.