It seems almost cliche at this point, but I always feel the need to acknowledge 9-11. I wonder sometimes how the families who lost loved ones feel about the day and the fact that millions of people talk about it every year and bring it up. Does it bother them? Is it like sand in an open wound?
Of course, I have no idea what it's like to be in their shoes... but I can't help but wonder if it would become agitating to have people talk about it like this every year. I mean... I almost feel obligated in some ways. How many people hold remembrance vigils because they really care and how many people do it out of pure conscientious obligation? Believe me when I say I really do care and every year at this time, those families come into my mental focus. I say a prayer for them and hope that the day finds them able to look back to their lost loved ones and be at peace since the attacks on the World Trace center now eight years ago [yes eight.. can you believe it?].
And as I type this, I only add fuel to the fire. But I like I said... I really do care. I may not be able to understand what they are feeling, but I honest to goodness care that they may still be hurting.
If you truly care [and seriously.. CARE - not just want other people to think you do] say a prayer for those families today. If not the remembrance of the events hurting them, I'm sure media in its many forms is doing so.
Not So Wordless Wednesday - With Pictures!
I've seen so many other mommy bloggers participate in Wordless Wednesday and I really love what it's about. But I can't ever seem to come up with anything to post! I get the point of the Wordless Wednesday theme - to post a picture without any sort of explanation or caption to go with it. But then I start to post a picture I absolutely love and I feel the need to talk about the picture and why it's so important and why I chose it.
I guess I'm just not "deep" enough to participate. haha
I was looking through old pictures of Hailey, trying to choose one to post. I love them all and I could say so much about any of them. But the more I looked, the more I realized that I can't just choose one. She looks so happy in these and who doesn't love a happy, smiling baby!?
I remember when it was so easy to make Hailey laugh. She was so little and everything in the world was outright hilarious to her. A simple funny face was all it took. I remember when I used to arm myself with the camera, hide behind it and then pop out with "Boo!" and a silly face. She'd absolutely scream with laughter and I'd get a great picture. You do that now and she just looks at you like you're crazy. I'm sure every other mother in the world who tries to take pictures of their toddler can relate.
Remember that point where pictures were fun... just before your kids got too "mobile" and taking pictures was a difficult task [and often meant that a photo shoot of 50+ pictures resulted in only 3 or 4 good ones you'd actually send to your family]? Yeah. I'm talking that very brief time in your child's life when getting awesome pics was a breeze and they always looked great [and OMG Keri this totally excludes your always perfect looking children. Just kidding hun... sorta! haha]
So moms... lets go back to those days. The task is to go back in time and select your favorite pictures of your baby's smile [let's narrow it down to three for the sake of sanity]. Don't forget to link back here so other moms can share as well and most importantly, don't forget to leave a link to your post in my comments so we can all share!
Apparently I birthed Gene Simmons. This has ALWAYS been one of my favorite pics of Hailey.
She loved her first shoes. This was taken the same day she actually stood for the first time.
Can you believe this was taken in August 2007!? Look at that cute little tooth!
I guess I'm just not "deep" enough to participate. haha
I was looking through old pictures of Hailey, trying to choose one to post. I love them all and I could say so much about any of them. But the more I looked, the more I realized that I can't just choose one. She looks so happy in these and who doesn't love a happy, smiling baby!?
I remember when it was so easy to make Hailey laugh. She was so little and everything in the world was outright hilarious to her. A simple funny face was all it took. I remember when I used to arm myself with the camera, hide behind it and then pop out with "Boo!" and a silly face. She'd absolutely scream with laughter and I'd get a great picture. You do that now and she just looks at you like you're crazy. I'm sure every other mother in the world who tries to take pictures of their toddler can relate.
Remember that point where pictures were fun... just before your kids got too "mobile" and taking pictures was a difficult task [and often meant that a photo shoot of 50+ pictures resulted in only 3 or 4 good ones you'd actually send to your family]? Yeah. I'm talking that very brief time in your child's life when getting awesome pics was a breeze and they always looked great [and OMG Keri this totally excludes your always perfect looking children. Just kidding hun... sorta! haha]
So moms... lets go back to those days. The task is to go back in time and select your favorite pictures of your baby's smile [let's narrow it down to three for the sake of sanity]. Don't forget to link back here so other moms can share as well and most importantly, don't forget to leave a link to your post in my comments so we can all share!
Apparently I birthed Gene Simmons. This has ALWAYS been one of my favorite pics of Hailey.
She loved her first shoes. This was taken the same day she actually stood for the first time.
Can you believe this was taken in August 2007!? Look at that cute little tooth!
Anonymous Commenters Can Rot in Hell.
I'm so incredibly pissed off right now.
See this program? Artisteer. Yes, I wanted this program. My husband even offered to buy it for me as a birthday gift. I declined. I wish we had tons of money so I could buy everything I ever wanted, but ya know what... we don't. That's life.
And then a very nice lady came along DAYS LATER and offered to send me $50 to go towards Patches shots. She sent it to me. It's in my PayPal account right now. So you know what? I told my husband that instead of spending $50 on buying me some program for my birthday, how about he just pitch in the rest of the money needed to get Patches her shots and all that stuff from the SPCA. And that is what we agreed upon.
We didn't go yesterday. I called the SPCA to make sure the $95 they charge for "adoption fees" which included all of the shots, deworming, frontline application, spay, etc would actually apply to a stray cat we'd found. Turns out, yes.. it does. But there is a place in Columbia who will spay for $35 and do shots for $5. So that $50 we were given will cover it all plus the cost of the gas to get there. Perfect. So we didn't go yesterday.
I'd like to go tomorrow. It depends. Charlie is working a weird schedule. He normally starts work at 6pm but now it starts at 12 in the afternoon. But if at all possible, Patches will at least get her shots tomorrow [I was informed that she may not be old enough / heavy enough to get spayed yet. I don't know if that's true?].
So I didn't get the program, but I continued on and I finally finished the re-design of Digital-Dish.com last night. Funny, the website still exists - it just has a different index page while my host JaguarPC and the registrar of the domain GoDaddy, get all of their appropriate ducks in a row. Changing the DNS settings and associating my domain Digital-Dish.com with my host JaguarPC, cost me nothing. I didn't have to buy anything. I didn't have to spend any money to change the settings. It was really no big deal at all. Digital-Dish.com was merely acting as a redirect for IMVUDigitalDish.blogspot.com because let's face it... Digital-Dish.com is a much better URL. lol
So last night, I told everyone that Digital-Dish.com was under construction. Again.. page still exists, it just has a temporary index page. Big whoop. I've been planning this for weeks. ShortFatCyclops.com is going to go through the same thing this weekend. I just happened to finally understand how to use Wordpress, self host my blog and have more control over it [which I apparently need since I have complete idiots posting anonymously here and leaving absolute garbage for comments].
Look at my PayPal account. HERE. That is ALL transactions for the month. That includes everything - stuff going in, stuff going out, debit card, etc. The only change in my PayPal account since September 1st has been the $50 I was gifted. I haven't touched it. I blurred out the woman's name for her privacy since it includes her first and last name.
How dare ANYONE question my integrity - especially to do so anonymously. Grow up and stop causing stupid drama. Jealously is not becoming.
See this program? Artisteer. Yes, I wanted this program. My husband even offered to buy it for me as a birthday gift. I declined. I wish we had tons of money so I could buy everything I ever wanted, but ya know what... we don't. That's life.
And then a very nice lady came along DAYS LATER and offered to send me $50 to go towards Patches shots. She sent it to me. It's in my PayPal account right now. So you know what? I told my husband that instead of spending $50 on buying me some program for my birthday, how about he just pitch in the rest of the money needed to get Patches her shots and all that stuff from the SPCA. And that is what we agreed upon.
We didn't go yesterday. I called the SPCA to make sure the $95 they charge for "adoption fees" which included all of the shots, deworming, frontline application, spay, etc would actually apply to a stray cat we'd found. Turns out, yes.. it does. But there is a place in Columbia who will spay for $35 and do shots for $5. So that $50 we were given will cover it all plus the cost of the gas to get there. Perfect. So we didn't go yesterday.
I'd like to go tomorrow. It depends. Charlie is working a weird schedule. He normally starts work at 6pm but now it starts at 12 in the afternoon. But if at all possible, Patches will at least get her shots tomorrow [I was informed that she may not be old enough / heavy enough to get spayed yet. I don't know if that's true?].
So I didn't get the program, but I continued on and I finally finished the re-design of Digital-Dish.com last night. Funny, the website still exists - it just has a different index page while my host JaguarPC and the registrar of the domain GoDaddy, get all of their appropriate ducks in a row. Changing the DNS settings and associating my domain Digital-Dish.com with my host JaguarPC, cost me nothing. I didn't have to buy anything. I didn't have to spend any money to change the settings. It was really no big deal at all. Digital-Dish.com was merely acting as a redirect for IMVUDigitalDish.blogspot.com because let's face it... Digital-Dish.com is a much better URL. lol
So last night, I told everyone that Digital-Dish.com was under construction. Again.. page still exists, it just has a temporary index page. Big whoop. I've been planning this for weeks. ShortFatCyclops.com is going to go through the same thing this weekend. I just happened to finally understand how to use Wordpress, self host my blog and have more control over it [which I apparently need since I have complete idiots posting anonymously here and leaving absolute garbage for comments].
Look at my PayPal account. HERE. That is ALL transactions for the month. That includes everything - stuff going in, stuff going out, debit card, etc. The only change in my PayPal account since September 1st has been the $50 I was gifted. I haven't touched it. I blurred out the woman's name for her privacy since it includes her first and last name.
How dare ANYONE question my integrity - especially to do so anonymously. Grow up and stop causing stupid drama. Jealously is not becoming.
Blessings From Strangers
I'm so incredibly touched right now. In fact, I'm still crying as I write this.
This year has showed me both the good and bad sides of the world - particularly the people who inhabit it. I'm lucky that despite all of the negativity in my life and the emotional pain I am going through, I've still somehow managed to meet some incredible people who have made all of this just a bit less painful for my family.
And then there's Patches. I believe in fate and I think she ended up on our doorstep for a reason. I'm feeling rather lonely these days and quite frankly, I've run out of things productive to do with my time. With Hailey not here to nurture, my days literally consist of browsing for jobs to apply for, working, communicating with my clientele and keeping the house clean [which really is a damn breeze since I'm married to a man who cleans up after himself and understands the concept of a hamper]. After all of that, it's like... What am I supposed to do with my time?
I've also been so sick in the last week and having Patches to play and cuddle with has been really healing for me. It's just a calming experience. Cinders doesn't much care for affection - or rather, he wants it on his own timing. And Flora... her idea of attention involves running around and chasing after a toy. She's a very on the spur of the moment kind of dog and her energy and need for attention comes in bursts. So it's been nice having a little animal around who needs and wants me.
It's been suggested to me that I should continue living my life as if Hailey were home. That's something I've stuck to the best I can. But when I have nothing to do, where else am I going to be than at my computer? There is only so much television and sleep one can soak up. I can't afford to go out and even if I could, it's not something I'd be doing if Hailey were home. Most we ever did was go to the grocery store without her or to the movies. So right now, Patches is a nice little filler for my time.
And luckily after today, I think we will be bringing her into our home very soon. An incredibly nice woman from IMVU who I hardly know to be honest, donated $50 to go towards the cost of getting Patches "house-cat friendly". The kindness of strangers absolutely astounds me. I catch so much crap from people at times who suggest that people online can't be real friends and then I experience things like this and I say "Well why the hell can't my online friends be considered real friends!?" I'm truly touched and extremely blessed. I'm fortunate to experience such a wonderful happening during such a cruel time in my life. A million thanks once again to the very nice lady. We'll be sure to take excellent care of little Patches!
This year has showed me both the good and bad sides of the world - particularly the people who inhabit it. I'm lucky that despite all of the negativity in my life and the emotional pain I am going through, I've still somehow managed to meet some incredible people who have made all of this just a bit less painful for my family.
And then there's Patches. I believe in fate and I think she ended up on our doorstep for a reason. I'm feeling rather lonely these days and quite frankly, I've run out of things productive to do with my time. With Hailey not here to nurture, my days literally consist of browsing for jobs to apply for, working, communicating with my clientele and keeping the house clean [which really is a damn breeze since I'm married to a man who cleans up after himself and understands the concept of a hamper]. After all of that, it's like... What am I supposed to do with my time?
I've also been so sick in the last week and having Patches to play and cuddle with has been really healing for me. It's just a calming experience. Cinders doesn't much care for affection - or rather, he wants it on his own timing. And Flora... her idea of attention involves running around and chasing after a toy. She's a very on the spur of the moment kind of dog and her energy and need for attention comes in bursts. So it's been nice having a little animal around who needs and wants me.
It's been suggested to me that I should continue living my life as if Hailey were home. That's something I've stuck to the best I can. But when I have nothing to do, where else am I going to be than at my computer? There is only so much television and sleep one can soak up. I can't afford to go out and even if I could, it's not something I'd be doing if Hailey were home. Most we ever did was go to the grocery store without her or to the movies. So right now, Patches is a nice little filler for my time.
And luckily after today, I think we will be bringing her into our home very soon. An incredibly nice woman from IMVU who I hardly know to be honest, donated $50 to go towards the cost of getting Patches "house-cat friendly". The kindness of strangers absolutely astounds me. I catch so much crap from people at times who suggest that people online can't be real friends and then I experience things like this and I say "Well why the hell can't my online friends be considered real friends!?" I'm truly touched and extremely blessed. I'm fortunate to experience such a wonderful happening during such a cruel time in my life. A million thanks once again to the very nice lady. We'll be sure to take excellent care of little Patches!
To Keep or Not to Keep?
Yet another story about Patches, our "outside cat"...
I've been dancing around Charlie trying to figure out how he felt about keeping Patches. I didn't know if he wanted her or if he was just keeping her around because I've become so attached to her [and her to myself]. But he told me today that he'd like to keep her.
That's great and it's the answer I was hoping for. But it's not the happy, perfect scene you'd imagine. While Charlie would like to keep her, he wants her to remain outdoors for now in hopes that "in a few months" we'll be able to afford to spend the money on her shots. I'm not at all happy with that. I don't agree with that at all.
I'm stubborn and I'm a very now or never sort of woman. I believe in seizing opportunities because I know if we don't do what we want now, the chance for it won't come around when we finally decide to act. I know this because it always seems to happen that way to me. Beyond my stubbornness is that voice in the back of my head screaming to me "That's not fair." - to Patches that is.
I keep thinking about our own Flora and Cinders being inside and not having to run under the house when it rains. I remember just a few months ago how really upset Charlie was [more like completely devastated] when Cinders took a trip under the house and we couldn't get him to come out. I remember it raining and I remember what a stressful and upsetting day it was for all of us - Cinders included. So how fair is it for him to say that Patches is just fine living under our house?
Oh wait... it's not.
I want to keep Patches. I'd very much love to give her a home. I'd like very much to have a new kitty to love on and take care of [And at this point in the year after all I have been through, I think in a lot of ways, I need Patches]. But I can't just force her to live outside for the next few months because I only hope my financial situation will change and I'll be able to more readily spend the money on the things she needs in order to be an indoor cat.
I told Charlie that before his vacation is over, we need to make a decision. Either we take Patches to get her shots at the SPCA and bring her into our home, or we take her to the SPCA where they will take care of her and find her a good home. If we really love that darn kitty as much as I think we do, than that's our only options.
I've been dancing around Charlie trying to figure out how he felt about keeping Patches. I didn't know if he wanted her or if he was just keeping her around because I've become so attached to her [and her to myself]. But he told me today that he'd like to keep her.
That's great and it's the answer I was hoping for. But it's not the happy, perfect scene you'd imagine. While Charlie would like to keep her, he wants her to remain outdoors for now in hopes that "in a few months" we'll be able to afford to spend the money on her shots. I'm not at all happy with that. I don't agree with that at all.
I'm stubborn and I'm a very now or never sort of woman. I believe in seizing opportunities because I know if we don't do what we want now, the chance for it won't come around when we finally decide to act. I know this because it always seems to happen that way to me. Beyond my stubbornness is that voice in the back of my head screaming to me "That's not fair." - to Patches that is.
I keep thinking about our own Flora and Cinders being inside and not having to run under the house when it rains. I remember just a few months ago how really upset Charlie was [more like completely devastated] when Cinders took a trip under the house and we couldn't get him to come out. I remember it raining and I remember what a stressful and upsetting day it was for all of us - Cinders included. So how fair is it for him to say that Patches is just fine living under our house?
Oh wait... it's not.
I want to keep Patches. I'd very much love to give her a home. I'd like very much to have a new kitty to love on and take care of [And at this point in the year after all I have been through, I think in a lot of ways, I need Patches]. But I can't just force her to live outside for the next few months because I only hope my financial situation will change and I'll be able to more readily spend the money on the things she needs in order to be an indoor cat.
I told Charlie that before his vacation is over, we need to make a decision. Either we take Patches to get her shots at the SPCA and bring her into our home, or we take her to the SPCA where they will take care of her and find her a good home. If we really love that darn kitty as much as I think we do, than that's our only options.
I Be Rockin' Them Beats... Too Fast
Since my diagnosis on Wednesday, I have been trying to take it easy and trying to pay closer attention to my body and what sets it off. Let's just say that yesterday's constant roof banging was not what the doctor ordered.
Most of yesterday was spent trying to keep my cool and trying to keep my heart rate down. I totally didn't succeed... not even close. I was tired from my heart beating so rapidly. I was anxious and far too overstimulated from all of the loud banging and the heavy thuds that caused pieces of my ceiling spackle to fall to the floor [damnit, I mopped all of the hardwood floors the day before too].
The banging started at 7:30am and stopped only twice that day for about 30 minutes each time. By about 4:30pm, I'd grown completely overwhelmed and I somehow managed to crawl into Charlie's bed and fall asleep. Charlie says they left around 5:30 or so. So for 9 hours yesterday, there was banging going on here. I woke up around 8pm and I felt a little better, but I was feeling the after effects of the day for sure.
A lot about yesterday reminded me of my ex husband's snoring and how the noise of it affected me. I realize now that while the noise itself was incredibly annoying, that was really but a fraction of the problem for me. I've had this heart problem likely for years now [I can't remember a time when I didn't have the dizzy spells anyway]. I remember the tightening of my chest and the anxious feeling that made me feel so sick. I just didn't realize that there was more to it and it was only yesterday that I put 2 and 2 together.
I can't wait until the 15th so I can find out what is going on. I'm so scared and I keep thinking about what will happen to Hailey if something should happen to me - which only gets me more upset and feeling like crap.
Most of yesterday was spent trying to keep my cool and trying to keep my heart rate down. I totally didn't succeed... not even close. I was tired from my heart beating so rapidly. I was anxious and far too overstimulated from all of the loud banging and the heavy thuds that caused pieces of my ceiling spackle to fall to the floor [damnit, I mopped all of the hardwood floors the day before too].
The banging started at 7:30am and stopped only twice that day for about 30 minutes each time. By about 4:30pm, I'd grown completely overwhelmed and I somehow managed to crawl into Charlie's bed and fall asleep. Charlie says they left around 5:30 or so. So for 9 hours yesterday, there was banging going on here. I woke up around 8pm and I felt a little better, but I was feeling the after effects of the day for sure.
A lot about yesterday reminded me of my ex husband's snoring and how the noise of it affected me. I realize now that while the noise itself was incredibly annoying, that was really but a fraction of the problem for me. I've had this heart problem likely for years now [I can't remember a time when I didn't have the dizzy spells anyway]. I remember the tightening of my chest and the anxious feeling that made me feel so sick. I just didn't realize that there was more to it and it was only yesterday that I put 2 and 2 together.
I can't wait until the 15th so I can find out what is going on. I'm so scared and I keep thinking about what will happen to Hailey if something should happen to me - which only gets me more upset and feeling like crap.
Silence is Golden
It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm snoozing comfortably in my bed. BAM BAM BAM What on earth is that noise? I continue trying to sleep. BAM BAM BAM Ugh Are you serious!? What the heck is going on?
That's when I realize someone is on my roof and they are being obnoxiously loud. As it turns out, there are workers here and they are fixing my roof. Great! No, really... that's great because it needed fixing. That said, I had no idea they were coming today and certainly not at 7:30 in the morning. They didn't knock on my door nor announce themselves [unless you count banging on my roof as an announcement].
The banging did not stop all day - except for 30 minutes here and there when the workers took a break. So from 7:30 until... I'm not sure but I know they were here for at least nine hours... their was banging. It greatly affected me health wise. I felt faint many times today. The banging got so loud at hard at some points that bits of ceiling crumbled to the floor. I spent the whole day feeling jumpy and anxious. My heart was pounding out of my chest. It was really rough. My body finally couldn't take it any more and I laid in Charlie's bed and fell asleep for a nap.
Worse... They aren't done and they will be back tomorrow.
Poor Patches didn't even get to eat all day - not food we gave her anyway. The workers parked in my front lawn in front of where Patches has been living under the house. They were throwing the old shingles down from the roof. No way was she going to come out with them there. She must have been petrified. Charlie got her to come out this evening and she doesn't come out for him often - she's so used to me calling her. She must have been mega hungry. Poor kitty.
No idea how I'm going to get through tomorrow. I feel like complete crap right now from all of the commotion today.
That's when I realize someone is on my roof and they are being obnoxiously loud. As it turns out, there are workers here and they are fixing my roof. Great! No, really... that's great because it needed fixing. That said, I had no idea they were coming today and certainly not at 7:30 in the morning. They didn't knock on my door nor announce themselves [unless you count banging on my roof as an announcement].
The banging did not stop all day - except for 30 minutes here and there when the workers took a break. So from 7:30 until... I'm not sure but I know they were here for at least nine hours... their was banging. It greatly affected me health wise. I felt faint many times today. The banging got so loud at hard at some points that bits of ceiling crumbled to the floor. I spent the whole day feeling jumpy and anxious. My heart was pounding out of my chest. It was really rough. My body finally couldn't take it any more and I laid in Charlie's bed and fell asleep for a nap.
Worse... They aren't done and they will be back tomorrow.
Poor Patches didn't even get to eat all day - not food we gave her anyway. The workers parked in my front lawn in front of where Patches has been living under the house. They were throwing the old shingles down from the roof. No way was she going to come out with them there. She must have been petrified. Charlie got her to come out this evening and she doesn't come out for him often - she's so used to me calling her. She must have been mega hungry. Poor kitty.
No idea how I'm going to get through tomorrow. I feel like complete crap right now from all of the commotion today.
Talking Behind Your Children's Backs
The main focus of my blog surrounds my family. They [whoever "they" is] say to write about what you know... and what I know, is my family. But today I read a post by Mir Kamin [who's blog is fantastic and I really enjoy it] that really pulled me in and really made me sit back and question myself about the things I write in regards to my family.
Since I started this blog, my integrity has been repeatedly put under a legal microscope. Not everyone understands the internet. There are just some people who don't see blogging as a normal thing despite millions of people [especially moms!] across the globe doing it. And the even bigger challenge is trying to convince other people that it's perfectly normal to share your life, your family and most importantly - your children... with the world. And that is where this fantastic post by Mir comes in.
I will come out and lay this straight on the table. I believe that as a parent, I have the right to discuss my daughter and the happenings in her life. I believe that as her mother, I have every right to talk about her and what is going on in our lives. I believe that is my right until she comes of age where she is old enough to make choices on her own and ask me to stop. I don't know what age I think that is. It's really up to her. She could be 10, she could be 16 - who knows? But the point is that if she asks me to stop, I will. It's really that simple.
I'm not alone in this. I could easily link hundreds of blogs written by moms where they discuss their children and their daily lives. I'll use Mir as an example. She writes about her children and they are old enough to understand the concept of being written about. They are of school age and likemost ALL children, they get into trouble, they bicker, they talk back. Suffice it to say - they are your typical children with plenty of drama, boo boos and time outs to go around. I completely agree with an incredible statement she made in her own blog that I can directly relate to.
But I will say this: There are some parents out there who lack any sense of discretion. There is a fine line between what is and isn't acceptable - especially when your children are older and require a greater sense of privacy. That is where the story about Julie Myerson comes into my post. Long story short - she wrote a newspaper column about her children for years and later a book in which she intimately discussed the details of her son's struggle with drugs. She lied to his face about being the author of the column and then smeared his name in her book. Big no no! I always want to be honest with Hailey and say "Yes, I wrote that about you." If she grows up and is upset by something I wrote, then hey... we can talk about it. But I truly believe that despite the fact that I don't always have the best judgment, I do exercise discretion when it comes to the lives of my family members - particularly my daughter.
Mir nails it again and says it best...
I love my daughter and I want nothing but the absolute best for her. But there is also the call for doing what is best for me - which directly affects what is best for her. There is a time and a place for everything and I make sure I use the utmost discretion and determine when and where to discuss my child. I think it's something most blogging parents strive for.
Since I started this blog, my integrity has been repeatedly put under a legal microscope. Not everyone understands the internet. There are just some people who don't see blogging as a normal thing despite millions of people [especially moms!] across the globe doing it. And the even bigger challenge is trying to convince other people that it's perfectly normal to share your life, your family and most importantly - your children... with the world. And that is where this fantastic post by Mir comes in.
I will come out and lay this straight on the table. I believe that as a parent, I have the right to discuss my daughter and the happenings in her life. I believe that as her mother, I have every right to talk about her and what is going on in our lives. I believe that is my right until she comes of age where she is old enough to make choices on her own and ask me to stop. I don't know what age I think that is. It's really up to her. She could be 10, she could be 16 - who knows? But the point is that if she asks me to stop, I will. It's really that simple.
I'm not alone in this. I could easily link hundreds of blogs written by moms where they discuss their children and their daily lives. I'll use Mir as an example. She writes about her children and they are old enough to understand the concept of being written about. They are of school age and like
Sometimes one of my kids is rotten and I come here and write about it and say, “Good lord, MY KID IS ROTTEN,” and I trust that 99.9% of you understand that while I am human and frustrated, I am also the person you’d need to go through to so much as look cross-eyed at said child, and chances are excellent that I would claw your eyes out before you got the chance.What an extraordinary post. I'm one of those 99.9%. I really do understand. That's the whole reason I started blogging publicly! I'm not here to smear my child's name. I'm not even here to smear the names of others. I'm just here to say something. I want to get things out in the open. I want to discover things about myself through my blogging that I'd otherwise never known. I know it works because I've been doing it for the past 6 years with a close-knit group of friends. How phenomenal is it that I have the chance to reach out and interact with other women across the world? - Many of which are going through the same thing I am.
Sometimes one of my kids is struggling and I come here and write about it and say, “This is hard and I am worried,” and I trust that 99.9% of you get what it’s like and understand that I’ve done my best to balance my need (for processing, for community, whatever) against my child’s needs (for privacy, for example).
Other times it’s too hard and too overwhelming and I say nothing, for a long time. And I begin to realize that I’m not just saying nothing HERE, I’m saying nothing to my friends. Nothing to my family. Nothing to anyone. I’m retreating and it starts to become a problem, not only because I’m not necessarily getting the support I need, but because in my desire to shield my child, I’ve actually done a disservice by not allowing others to understand what’s going on.
But I will say this: There are some parents out there who lack any sense of discretion. There is a fine line between what is and isn't acceptable - especially when your children are older and require a greater sense of privacy. That is where the story about Julie Myerson comes into my post. Long story short - she wrote a newspaper column about her children for years and later a book in which she intimately discussed the details of her son's struggle with drugs. She lied to his face about being the author of the column and then smeared his name in her book. Big no no! I always want to be honest with Hailey and say "Yes, I wrote that about you." If she grows up and is upset by something I wrote, then hey... we can talk about it. But I truly believe that despite the fact that I don't always have the best judgment, I do exercise discretion when it comes to the lives of my family members - particularly my daughter.
Mir nails it again and says it best...
I hope that in my writing it is clear just how absolutely infatuated I am with my daughter. I hope it's well understood that just because I write about certain unpleasantness in my life or make complaints, it doesn't mean I hate the world or am completely miserable. If I were, then every blog post would be a complete and depressing mess. I do hope that my writing doesn't always come across as gloomy.I happen to think it's okay to say less-than-glowing things about your children, sometimes, provided that 1) it's the exception rather than the rule, and 2) it would be impossible to read your words without it being overwhelmingly obvious that you are wildly in love with your subject.
The argument can be made that children play a part in our personal stories, and we can share them in that context and occasionally find them challenging or irritating and say so and it won't damage them that we shared that. It can be done. I know it can because hundreds (thousands?) of writers have successfully walked this line ahead of me and Myerson and everyone else. Can it be tricky? Absolutely. But can it be done? Yes, I believe it can.
When the love is uncertain -- or when trust is absent, as I think the story of Myerson lying to her children about her column demonstrates -- this balancing act falls down. Venting about a child in that circumstance offers only embarrassment and hurt, without the cushion of adoration to balance out the less savory bits.
I love my daughter and I want nothing but the absolute best for her. But there is also the call for doing what is best for me - which directly affects what is best for her. There is a time and a place for everything and I make sure I use the utmost discretion and determine when and where to discuss my child. I think it's something most blogging parents strive for.
Dear God, I Hope You're Amused.
Right now, God is in heaven and looking down at me. He's rolling across a cloud back and forth while laughing and pointing at me. I can just imagine him doing that right now. Well God, I hope you are amused and pleased with yourself. I'll admit, I'm finding this a bit funny as well.
Today, I started to wonder if I was the big ole P word - you know.. pregnant. Foods were suddenly too salty. I started smelling things no one else seems to smell. I suddenly can't stand the thought of consuming some of my favorite foods. So naturally, I thought it might just be possible. And since I have PCOS and my periods come pretty much whenever I feel like it, it was entirely possible that I could have been. After all, I haven't had a period since April.
I figured hey, my blood test includes a pregnancy test so I'll know on the 15th if I am or not. No sense in worrying over it until then, right?
So just as I get done having an entire discussion with some friends about how I'm feeling and my "symptoms" I decide I need to use the bathroom only to find that mymonthly whenever it feels like it friend has come for a visit.
It's proof that God has a sense of humor. He's watching and he enjoys a little drama and misery every now and again.
Today, I started to wonder if I was the big ole P word - you know.. pregnant. Foods were suddenly too salty. I started smelling things no one else seems to smell. I suddenly can't stand the thought of consuming some of my favorite foods. So naturally, I thought it might just be possible. And since I have PCOS and my periods come pretty much whenever I feel like it, it was entirely possible that I could have been. After all, I haven't had a period since April.
I figured hey, my blood test includes a pregnancy test so I'll know on the 15th if I am or not. No sense in worrying over it until then, right?
So just as I get done having an entire discussion with some friends about how I'm feeling and my "symptoms" I decide I need to use the bathroom only to find that my
It's proof that God has a sense of humor. He's watching and he enjoys a little drama and misery every now and again.
My Current Diagnosis: I'm Not Dead Yet
I just got home from the doctor. Charlie is making me some lunch. I'm really not feeling well and quite frankly, I'm even more scared now than I was before my visit to the doctor.
I told the doctor everything that has been going on in regards to my dizzy and fainting spells as of late. We went through a bit of my medical history including my past with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It was concluded that I would need a series of tests to check out my heart, blood flow, vein pressure, etc. I also need a bunch of tests run on my blood which I will know more about on September 15th when I have to return to the doctor.
First thing they did was attach a bunch of those little electrode things to me - one behind each ear and one on each of my sides. This was to test the pressure of my veins and my heart rate. Next I was given a new set of electrodes - one on the inside of each wrist, each ankle and several below my breast. This was to measure the flow of my blood.
My heart rate is too high. The current recommendation is for me to start taking Beta Blockers. Yeah... at 24 years of age. What is basically happening [well, more like may be happening since we aren't 100% sure yet] is my heart is beating too fast and when I become anxious or excited, my blood pressure skyrockets and then drops which is causing me to get dizzy and faint because I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. Current diagnoses until my blood work comes back is that I have Syncope - which is just a really fancy word for fainting.
The beta blockers if I for sure have to go on them, are going to make me sleepy which should be okay because I'm supposed to take them at night. It should give me a full night's sleep and reduce my anxiety which dah dah dah daaaahhh.. Is likely being caused by how damn stressed out I am over this custody battle. Thank you state of Georgia and South Carolina for giving me health issues.
Next on the list is my problem with PCOS which I am definitely still having. In fact, it's likely causing me a lot of problems right now - most notably my weight gain and my inability to lose any of which I gain. We're not going to bother with it for right now. First thing is to keep me from fainting and then we'll go on to fixing my PCOS.
I may need a cat scan. I may need a lot of crazy things. We'll have to see what my blood work says.
I told the doctor everything that has been going on in regards to my dizzy and fainting spells as of late. We went through a bit of my medical history including my past with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It was concluded that I would need a series of tests to check out my heart, blood flow, vein pressure, etc. I also need a bunch of tests run on my blood which I will know more about on September 15th when I have to return to the doctor.
First thing they did was attach a bunch of those little electrode things to me - one behind each ear and one on each of my sides. This was to test the pressure of my veins and my heart rate. Next I was given a new set of electrodes - one on the inside of each wrist, each ankle and several below my breast. This was to measure the flow of my blood.
My heart rate is too high. The current recommendation is for me to start taking Beta Blockers. Yeah... at 24 years of age. What is basically happening [well, more like may be happening since we aren't 100% sure yet] is my heart is beating too fast and when I become anxious or excited, my blood pressure skyrockets and then drops which is causing me to get dizzy and faint because I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. Current diagnoses until my blood work comes back is that I have Syncope - which is just a really fancy word for fainting.
The beta blockers if I for sure have to go on them, are going to make me sleepy which should be okay because I'm supposed to take them at night. It should give me a full night's sleep and reduce my anxiety which dah dah dah daaaahhh.. Is likely being caused by how damn stressed out I am over this custody battle. Thank you state of Georgia and South Carolina for giving me health issues.
Next on the list is my problem with PCOS which I am definitely still having. In fact, it's likely causing me a lot of problems right now - most notably my weight gain and my inability to lose any of which I gain. We're not going to bother with it for right now. First thing is to keep me from fainting and then we'll go on to fixing my PCOS.
I may need a cat scan. I may need a lot of crazy things. We'll have to see what my blood work says.
Yes, I Use the Internet. How Extraordinary.
I can't say what this is really about or even to whom these next remarks are aimed at. Really, it's more me posting in frustration than anything else.
I've been using the internet since I was 7 years old. I remember when AOL didn't exist and I remember when my family got its first real computer [apart from the Commodore 64 my biological father had given to me to play Wheel of Fortune and Frogger on]. I remember dial up. I remember playing games on AOL Kids and chatting with Lord only knows who.
No one knew the safety issues back then. There wasn't yet knowledge of things like pedophiles and adults pretending to be children in order to lure them. MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter... but a twinkle in someone's eye yet to be fabricated. This was Pre-Google, Pre-Blogging, Pre-everything.
And now times have changed. There are so many social networking sites that even I don't know about. Joining these sites is as quick and easy as typing in an e-mail address and a name. I can think of many of these sites that I have joined in the last 10 years alone and most of them I've never stuck with because quite frankly, who has time for all of them? I stick with the ones I enjoy and the ones that matter to me. I'm careful about who I speak to. I know how to be safe online and I feel it's something everyone should learn.
Why even use them? Simple. I lost contact with a lot of people that were really important to me. I've only recently come in contact with some people that once made up a huge part of who I am and being able to write a quick message to those people on MySpace, Facebook or whatever... it really makes me feel like I'm regaining those friendships and I enjoy being able to know what those people are up to because I care about them.
Fortunately, everyone has a MySpace or a Facebook these days. And I do mean everyone. We're talking movies, celebrities, regular people. You can find one in regards to thousands of parenting subject matters, toe lint or anything else you're looking for. Why? Because this is the age of technology. This is the era of being connected with people at a touch of a button. And how nice is it to be able to sit at your desk after a hard day and talk to people who share your interests or understand what you're going through? All that while being able to sit in your pajamas!
I will be the one to admit that social networking sites can easily consume your time. That said, it's important that one learn to manage their time on them effectively. What is the goal of logging in at that moment? Do what you need to do and get away from it - that's my motto. I spent a whole year completely sucked into MySpace all because I was too damn interested in what other people were doing and not enough with what I needed to be doing [mostly because my life sucked and I felt like I needed to escape the realities of my first marriage].
But the absolute BEST part of the internet? All of the blogging, the social networking sites, the groups one can belong to... it can all add up to something fantastic. Did you know that at least 90% of the activities I do online immediately correlate to my [likely abstract] marketing strategy? Even this blog is apart of a much larger picture that some people fail to see.
This blog is read by a bunch of people on IMVU - some of which purchase products from me frequently. It's also read by complete strangers who have chosen my blog as their daily read. It's read by professionals, students, mothers. You click on ads. You click on certain links. It might make me a dollar. Who knows. I have very subtle advertisement here because I feel that the content should come first and foremost. At some point, you will be able to get to my online store via this site once I am done redesigning it [this blog and the store]. Everything will become one flawless integration because the best in the business know that keeping people's interest and keeping them on your own web pages is essential in making money online.
That's why I have social networking pages. That's why I have things set up this way. Sure, there are other motives. I do enjoy the work. I definitely enjoy blogging. I enjoy that I can type a quick message to a friend instead of calling them and waking their sleeping kids at nap time. I enjoy that I can type out an entire blog using my cell phone and post it in the middle of the night at a completely random hour just because something was on my mind and it woke me - all without even having to leave bed to go to my desk.
The absolute BEST part? Doing these things takes no time at all. I timed myself. I changed my status on MySpace, Twitter and Facebook simultaneously from my cell phone. It took me 20 seconds to type out a substantial status change within the 140 character limit and to hit send. This blog I'm writing? So far it's taken me about 15 minutes.
Even better is that I use websites like Twitterfeed to make Twitter updates for me. It posts an update on my behalf that I have posted a blog here and I don't even have to be at my computer. The program runs itself. I can do the same thing with my blog posts. I sometimes write a blog and set it to post later in the day. Having daily content is very important in Google ratings so I actually have a few blogs stored up and saved as drafts. If and when I need them posted because I have nothing else to post at that time, I can simply tell the system to post it. Sometimes I change the times on things because I don't really care about what time things are posted. This is the internet. No one really believes that I posted things at the exact time it says I did. Anyone who does is a fool.
Let's be honest here. What else do I have to do with my time right now if I'm not online and working? What I do for a living isn't that abnormal. Millions of people are graphic artists. Thousands of people create content on IMVU. Tens of thousands [if not more] are shopkeepers on CafePress and make a nice living selling their graphic art on products. And I'm talking 5 and 6 figure kind of nice living. I could have that. I WOULD have that if my old store hadn't been deleted by a certain someone. But instead, I'm struggling now to start from scratch.
My daughter isn't home. I have no diapers to change. No sippy cups to pour. No Hailey to play with. I've sadly got nothing but time on my hands these days to work my ass off. I'm looking for a regular job. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. But once those phone calls are made and there is nothing else for me to do, I have tons of time left over in which I divvy up between friends, family and work. So yes, I spend a lot at my computer these days. I'm working my ass off.
I've been using the internet since I was 7 years old. I remember when AOL didn't exist and I remember when my family got its first real computer [apart from the Commodore 64 my biological father had given to me to play Wheel of Fortune and Frogger on]. I remember dial up. I remember playing games on AOL Kids and chatting with Lord only knows who.
No one knew the safety issues back then. There wasn't yet knowledge of things like pedophiles and adults pretending to be children in order to lure them. MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter... but a twinkle in someone's eye yet to be fabricated. This was Pre-Google, Pre-Blogging, Pre-everything.
And now times have changed. There are so many social networking sites that even I don't know about. Joining these sites is as quick and easy as typing in an e-mail address and a name. I can think of many of these sites that I have joined in the last 10 years alone and most of them I've never stuck with because quite frankly, who has time for all of them? I stick with the ones I enjoy and the ones that matter to me. I'm careful about who I speak to. I know how to be safe online and I feel it's something everyone should learn.
Why even use them? Simple. I lost contact with a lot of people that were really important to me. I've only recently come in contact with some people that once made up a huge part of who I am and being able to write a quick message to those people on MySpace, Facebook or whatever... it really makes me feel like I'm regaining those friendships and I enjoy being able to know what those people are up to because I care about them.
Fortunately, everyone has a MySpace or a Facebook these days. And I do mean everyone. We're talking movies, celebrities, regular people. You can find one in regards to thousands of parenting subject matters, toe lint or anything else you're looking for. Why? Because this is the age of technology. This is the era of being connected with people at a touch of a button. And how nice is it to be able to sit at your desk after a hard day and talk to people who share your interests or understand what you're going through? All that while being able to sit in your pajamas!
I will be the one to admit that social networking sites can easily consume your time. That said, it's important that one learn to manage their time on them effectively. What is the goal of logging in at that moment? Do what you need to do and get away from it - that's my motto. I spent a whole year completely sucked into MySpace all because I was too damn interested in what other people were doing and not enough with what I needed to be doing [mostly because my life sucked and I felt like I needed to escape the realities of my first marriage].
But the absolute BEST part of the internet? All of the blogging, the social networking sites, the groups one can belong to... it can all add up to something fantastic. Did you know that at least 90% of the activities I do online immediately correlate to my [likely abstract] marketing strategy? Even this blog is apart of a much larger picture that some people fail to see.
This blog is read by a bunch of people on IMVU - some of which purchase products from me frequently. It's also read by complete strangers who have chosen my blog as their daily read. It's read by professionals, students, mothers. You click on ads. You click on certain links. It might make me a dollar. Who knows. I have very subtle advertisement here because I feel that the content should come first and foremost. At some point, you will be able to get to my online store via this site once I am done redesigning it [this blog and the store]. Everything will become one flawless integration because the best in the business know that keeping people's interest and keeping them on your own web pages is essential in making money online.
That's why I have social networking pages. That's why I have things set up this way. Sure, there are other motives. I do enjoy the work. I definitely enjoy blogging. I enjoy that I can type a quick message to a friend instead of calling them and waking their sleeping kids at nap time. I enjoy that I can type out an entire blog using my cell phone and post it in the middle of the night at a completely random hour just because something was on my mind and it woke me - all without even having to leave bed to go to my desk.
The absolute BEST part? Doing these things takes no time at all. I timed myself. I changed my status on MySpace, Twitter and Facebook simultaneously from my cell phone. It took me 20 seconds to type out a substantial status change within the 140 character limit and to hit send. This blog I'm writing? So far it's taken me about 15 minutes.
Even better is that I use websites like Twitterfeed to make Twitter updates for me. It posts an update on my behalf that I have posted a blog here and I don't even have to be at my computer. The program runs itself. I can do the same thing with my blog posts. I sometimes write a blog and set it to post later in the day. Having daily content is very important in Google ratings so I actually have a few blogs stored up and saved as drafts. If and when I need them posted because I have nothing else to post at that time, I can simply tell the system to post it. Sometimes I change the times on things because I don't really care about what time things are posted. This is the internet. No one really believes that I posted things at the exact time it says I did. Anyone who does is a fool.
Let's be honest here. What else do I have to do with my time right now if I'm not online and working? What I do for a living isn't that abnormal. Millions of people are graphic artists. Thousands of people create content on IMVU. Tens of thousands [if not more] are shopkeepers on CafePress and make a nice living selling their graphic art on products. And I'm talking 5 and 6 figure kind of nice living. I could have that. I WOULD have that if my old store hadn't been deleted by a certain someone. But instead, I'm struggling now to start from scratch.
My daughter isn't home. I have no diapers to change. No sippy cups to pour. No Hailey to play with. I've sadly got nothing but time on my hands these days to work my ass off. I'm looking for a regular job. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. But once those phone calls are made and there is nothing else for me to do, I have tons of time left over in which I divvy up between friends, family and work. So yes, I spend a lot at my computer these days. I'm working my ass off.
Oh Silly Patches
Look at how happy Patches is! It's because mommy just fed her and she has a full, happy belly!We're still undecided on what we're doing with her. Charlie's mom suggested that we keep her as an outdoor cat for at least a few months in hopes of our situation changing and us maybe being able to keep her. Charlie said we would talk about it later in the week.
I don't know... I'd much rather just take her to the SPCA now rather than keeping her living under my house for months in hopes of what 'may happen'. She's just an animal, but her life rests in our hands and we have to be fair and do what's best.
From what I can tell, it's actually cheaper to go there instead of the vet if we did want to keep her. It's $95 for: age appropriate vaccinations, dewormings, spay or neuter surgery, rabies vaccination, feline leukemia and FIV test, Frontline application, collar, ID tag and a cardboard pet taxi. And considering how much I know it costs for Flora and Cinders for that stuff, I know that $95 is a steal. Doesn't mean I have it to spend right now, but it's still a good price.
Patches is getting really playful so I'm hopeful that if we decide to give her to the SPCA, she'll find herself a good home. She's so snugly which I'm not used to being that our cat Cinders doesn't enjoy affection this much. Patches has been giving me little love nibbles and batting at my hand with her paws playfully. She's really sweet and it's such a shame that someone probably just dropper her off on our doorstep without a care.
Going to the Doctor
I have an appointment on Wednesday at 9:10 to see our doctor. I'm scared... absolutely petrified. They wanted to know if I needed to be seen today and if I were feeling faint right then. Charlie says they probably would have called an ambulance had the answer been yes. So we just told them I needed to be seen this week - so Wednesday it is.
I really wanted to go to one of Hailey's therapy appointments this week but I fear I won't be able to. I don't think I can make it. I can hardly make it to my own kitchen and back right now. I went to warm up some leftover spaghetti and I felt faint four times in a 6 or 7 minute span. The last thing I need right now is to faint in front of Hailey. The poor child has been traumatized enough this year.
I'm sure whatever is wrong with me will be figure out this week. Pretty sure my case doesn't belong in an episode of House or anything. But nevertheless, I'm really scared. I'm mostly scared because I don't know what I should fear. I mean, this could be anything. I don't know what sort of conclusion I have to possibly look forward to and it's freaking me out even more.
I really wanted to go to one of Hailey's therapy appointments this week but I fear I won't be able to. I don't think I can make it. I can hardly make it to my own kitchen and back right now. I went to warm up some leftover spaghetti and I felt faint four times in a 6 or 7 minute span. The last thing I need right now is to faint in front of Hailey. The poor child has been traumatized enough this year.
I'm sure whatever is wrong with me will be figure out this week. Pretty sure my case doesn't belong in an episode of House or anything. But nevertheless, I'm really scared. I'm mostly scared because I don't know what I should fear. I mean, this could be anything. I don't know what sort of conclusion I have to possibly look forward to and it's freaking me out even more.
Just Say No to Generic Mayo
There are so many ways to cut corners financially and a big one is buying cheaper food. Buying generic brands is pretty key and most off brands taste the same as the big names - and sometimes even better for half the price.We've started buying Walmart's brand "Great Value" and for the most part, it's been an okay experience [this from the family that takes a lot of pride in their cooking and enjoys the use of fresh and quality ingredients]. It's been a little tough. That Great Value pasta just wasn't quite what we're used to but it'll do. These Great Value wheat crackers aren't quite the Wheat Thins I love, but they are a decent alternative. The Great Value butter - well, it's butter. The Great Value Frosted Flakes are okay - slightly different texture but they taste pretty good.
All of that, I could handle.
And then there came the Great Value mayonnaise. No friggin thank you. Okay so maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Charlie hadn't mistakenly picked up the Light version [double ew]. It's not Charlie's fault. Not like he's ever purchased this brand before. But boy is it nasty. I draw the line at generic mayo.
There are just things I can't live without even if there is a cheaper alternative. I believe in Charmin toilet paper. I hang onto very few luxuries and I refuse to let that one go. Fortunately my husband agrees with this. My Lipton Citrus Green Tea and my Arizona Tea are my drinks of choices and either one or both of them are in this house at all times. But most other things, I can either do without if I have to, or find a cheaper alternative.
I Have a Potentially Serious Illness
I'm sick right now. Very sick. I'm so sick that I don't know what's wrong with me... sick in a way that will require a visit to the doctor to find out what's wrong.
I'm starting to get very scared. I've never had something that I couldn't self diagnose or something that some Tylenol or cold medicine couldn't cure. I'm hesitant to talk about it - mostly because I know I may just be working myself up over nothing. But it's also because I know my ex and his step mother are reading this and I don't want them to think I can't take care of Hailey and misconstrue my words. Whatever it is that is wrong, it didn't stop me from being able to care for Hailey on Saturday all on my own because whatever is wrong, has been a problem for years.
I can't remember when this problem started because when I really think about it, I can't remember a time when I didn't have it. It started off that whenever I'd laugh, I'd lose strength. I couldn't grasp thing as tightly, pull as hard and stuff like that. But it wasn't a big deal - I just didn't carry heavy objects while laughing. Simple enough.
But then fast forward literally at least 10 years, and I found myself struggling more with the problem. I remember having the problem while living in Georgia. I remember expressing emotion and sometimes feeling a bit faint. It had to be a lot of emotion in either direction in order for me to lose blood pressure and have to hold onto something to steady myself else I'd fall. But it happened so seldom and I just didn't really think about it other than when it happened. It wasn't a real problem.
I moved to Cordova and the issue slowly got worse. For the past year I have had the issue happen more frequently and in a more severe manner. My uncontrollable weight gain leads me to believe it may be related to the issue. But just when I thought it was bad and that it was a real problem, Friday night happened.
That was the night that Patches arrived on our door step. I went to the front door to check to see if she were still there. Charlie was sitting near by in the living room and I called to him from the front door and told him she was still there. And that's when it happened. The room got dark. My knees buckled and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt myself going down and I instinctively reached out for the door handle. I caught myself, took a deep breath and my focus came back. I remember telling Charlie he needed to get to me and then I blacked out. The room went dark again and I don't remember much of anything. I remember Charlie holding me up and walking me towards a chair in the living room and that's about all. For the next minute or so, I couldn't function.
Charlie says that my pupils shrunk and he wiped foam from my mouth. Some people have suggested that I may have had a seizure, but nothing I know about seizures nor have read recently indicates that that is what I had. Of course, that's still possible but I seriously doubt it. It could be a multitude of things that I know of and possibly a bunch more that I don't.
I didn't go to the Emergency Room. I know you're probably thinking that that's the adult and responsible thing to do. I didn't go for a multitude of reasons - most importantly being that I knew I needed to suck it up because it was Friday night and my only day with Hailey was the next day. It doesn't matter if I feel like I'm dieing, she comes first. And of course, the fact that it's a $75 co-pay to go to the ER and only a $20 co-pay to see my doctor played a role as well. I'm fine - at least fine enough to function at home until I get a doctor's appointment [which I will be calling for today].
I've felt like crap ever since. I've been waking up every two hours - sometimes less. But then I get so tired finally that I sleep for a ridiculous amount of time at inappropriate hours. But that's only been in the last few days. Saturday, I just slept a lot in the truck and I took a nap when Hailey did.
For those of you asking, no I am not pregnant. I'm about 99% sure that between my problems and Charlies, it's impossible for me to get pregnant. I don't think pregnancy would cause me to feel like this way anyhow. Whatever the issue is, I'm hoping it will be addressed this week and that I will be on my way to a full recovery very soon.
I'm starting to get very scared. I've never had something that I couldn't self diagnose or something that some Tylenol or cold medicine couldn't cure. I'm hesitant to talk about it - mostly because I know I may just be working myself up over nothing. But it's also because I know my ex and his step mother are reading this and I don't want them to think I can't take care of Hailey and misconstrue my words. Whatever it is that is wrong, it didn't stop me from being able to care for Hailey on Saturday all on my own because whatever is wrong, has been a problem for years.
I can't remember when this problem started because when I really think about it, I can't remember a time when I didn't have it. It started off that whenever I'd laugh, I'd lose strength. I couldn't grasp thing as tightly, pull as hard and stuff like that. But it wasn't a big deal - I just didn't carry heavy objects while laughing. Simple enough.
But then fast forward literally at least 10 years, and I found myself struggling more with the problem. I remember having the problem while living in Georgia. I remember expressing emotion and sometimes feeling a bit faint. It had to be a lot of emotion in either direction in order for me to lose blood pressure and have to hold onto something to steady myself else I'd fall. But it happened so seldom and I just didn't really think about it other than when it happened. It wasn't a real problem.
I moved to Cordova and the issue slowly got worse. For the past year I have had the issue happen more frequently and in a more severe manner. My uncontrollable weight gain leads me to believe it may be related to the issue. But just when I thought it was bad and that it was a real problem, Friday night happened.
That was the night that Patches arrived on our door step. I went to the front door to check to see if she were still there. Charlie was sitting near by in the living room and I called to him from the front door and told him she was still there. And that's when it happened. The room got dark. My knees buckled and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt myself going down and I instinctively reached out for the door handle. I caught myself, took a deep breath and my focus came back. I remember telling Charlie he needed to get to me and then I blacked out. The room went dark again and I don't remember much of anything. I remember Charlie holding me up and walking me towards a chair in the living room and that's about all. For the next minute or so, I couldn't function.
Charlie says that my pupils shrunk and he wiped foam from my mouth. Some people have suggested that I may have had a seizure, but nothing I know about seizures nor have read recently indicates that that is what I had. Of course, that's still possible but I seriously doubt it. It could be a multitude of things that I know of and possibly a bunch more that I don't.
I didn't go to the Emergency Room. I know you're probably thinking that that's the adult and responsible thing to do. I didn't go for a multitude of reasons - most importantly being that I knew I needed to suck it up because it was Friday night and my only day with Hailey was the next day. It doesn't matter if I feel like I'm dieing, she comes first. And of course, the fact that it's a $75 co-pay to go to the ER and only a $20 co-pay to see my doctor played a role as well. I'm fine - at least fine enough to function at home until I get a doctor's appointment [which I will be calling for today].
I've felt like crap ever since. I've been waking up every two hours - sometimes less. But then I get so tired finally that I sleep for a ridiculous amount of time at inappropriate hours. But that's only been in the last few days. Saturday, I just slept a lot in the truck and I took a nap when Hailey did.
For those of you asking, no I am not pregnant. I'm about 99% sure that between my problems and Charlies, it's impossible for me to get pregnant. I don't think pregnancy would cause me to feel like this way anyhow. Whatever the issue is, I'm hoping it will be addressed this week and that I will be on my way to a full recovery very soon.
More on Patches
I think we'll be taking little Patches to the SPCA. I know, I know... I just welcomed her to the family and everything and I suck. But it's a matter of what is best for her and I cannot stand the thought of her living outside while Flora and Cinders get to be in the house with us. It started to thunder and lightning last night which made me so incredibly sad for Patches.
Charlie's mom keeps saying "Sam [Charlie's niece] will probably take it.." but she already has so many animals and I think I'd rather take it somewhere it can be adopted. If we can't keep her, I bet there is a little girl out there just dying to have a kitten she can love [or maybe a nice old lady].
Charlie mentioned the SPCA first and I'm guessing that's what he wants to do so it probably is what we'll do.
Charlie's mom keeps saying "Sam [Charlie's niece] will probably take it.." but she already has so many animals and I think I'd rather take it somewhere it can be adopted. If we can't keep her, I bet there is a little girl out there just dying to have a kitten she can love [or maybe a nice old lady].
Charlie mentioned the SPCA first and I'm guessing that's what he wants to do so it probably is what we'll do.
Welcome To The Family
We've decided to keep little Patches as an outside cat. It has become very, very attached to me. It comes to me when I call it and it rubs up all over me and snuggles. I can't just let it starve so we're feeding it and it'll stay outside and live under the house.I wish we could afford to get shots for it and stuff like we do the other animals but we just cannot do it right now. I can't believe I love this little kitten. I hated cats until Cinders became my step-kitty. And now there is this poor little kitten outside all alone in the dark and it makes me sad. I want to bring it inside and take care of it so bad. But Flora is a purebred and she costs a fortune at the vet and I cannot afford for her to get sick because of there being a stray cat with who knows what diseases in the house.
So welcome Patches to the family! I have no idea what the gender is and it'll be a while until we know for sure. Hoping it's a boy. I'll go insane if we have a female cat and it goes into heat and makes that horrible noise they make - and worse, if it has kitties of its own and then I end up with those as well. But welcome nevertheless little Patches! :D
It's almost my birthday and I'll whine if I want to.
My birthday is in two weeks on September 14th. It's coming quickly and it just crossed my mind. It's hit me that we won't be doing anything for my birthday. Not that this should bother me I guess. It's not like I have had a decent birthday in years anyway so what's one more? At least this year I'm not being held against my will in my bedroom and being told that I'm being punished.
I want Hailey home for my birthday. But that's a Monday and she has therapy. And I know if I tell her grandparents that I want her, they will say okay and substitute Monday the 14th in for Saturday the 12th when I'm supposed to have her - thus defeating the entire point. And if they didn't do that, it would mean I'd have to make an extra trip to Charleston to get her. She's worth it - every penny and every mile. But blah just the same.
I don't think Charlie has gotten me anything for my birthday - not that I blame him nor do I want to make him feel guilty. It's not like I was able to get him anything for his [although it was at his request that we didn't really celebrate it]. On the one hand, I want to do something fun and enjoy the day. On the other hand, it would leave me feeling all crappy and guilty for spending money just because it was my birthday.
I don't even know what I'd want. Well, I do - but it's not going to happen anyways.
I want Hailey home for my birthday. But that's a Monday and she has therapy. And I know if I tell her grandparents that I want her, they will say okay and substitute Monday the 14th in for Saturday the 12th when I'm supposed to have her - thus defeating the entire point. And if they didn't do that, it would mean I'd have to make an extra trip to Charleston to get her. She's worth it - every penny and every mile. But blah just the same.
I don't think Charlie has gotten me anything for my birthday - not that I blame him nor do I want to make him feel guilty. It's not like I was able to get him anything for his [although it was at his request that we didn't really celebrate it]. On the one hand, I want to do something fun and enjoy the day. On the other hand, it would leave me feeling all crappy and guilty for spending money just because it was my birthday.
I don't even know what I'd want. Well, I do - but it's not going to happen anyways.
It's a Girl... Now what do we do with it?
So little Patches is definitely a girl. Great... just what we need.Charlie picked her up and looked to determine her gender and to get an idea of if she were too skinny or not. She's really healthy. And for being a stray, she's mighty domesticated. So Charlie thinks she may have been dropped off on our door step. She's not afraid of people at all. She practically ate food directly from Charlie's hand and she understands the concept of eating out of a dish.
He keeps saying that she'll be fine because she's being fed and knows she's being fed. She has the house to live under if it gets too hot. She has plenty of room to play under there and cats mice and bugs to eat. "She'll have a good life", he says. Well I'm not happy about it. I keep thinking about Flora and particularly Cinders. They get to lay around inside the house in luxury. There is no too hot or too cold. When Flora is cold, she gets under the blankets. When Cinders in hungry, he doesn't have to hunt for his food because it comes on time every day in his very own dish.
Okay, so we're also feeding Patches food - twice a day right now. Charlie thinks she's about a month old. But still. She's out there all alone all day. And if she's as domesticated as she seems, then she isn't going to do well out there before long. What happens when it gets cold? Our animals get to snuggle up with us inside while Patches is left outside to fend for herself? That's not fair. In fact, I think it's rather cruel. There is no "OMG wash your hands immediately after you pet that" in regards to our animals. I understand why... more than I think Charlie realizes I do. But it doesn't make me happy.
I know we can't afford to take her in. I understand that the shots she requires and to be spayed costs a lot of money. I know it's money we don't have right now. We have our own pets to take care of - not to mention much more importantly... having money to take care of Hailey. But if we can't properly take care of Patches and give her the home she deserves, then we need to take her to some place where she can have that.
I'd love to take her in and that's huge for me because if you know me at all, you know I hate cats. Cinders is a very different kind of cat. He thinks he's human and he acts like a dog. I like him... most days. haha Usually I'd just be pissed off that a cat were hanging around the house [particularly a female cat], but I feel so bad for little Patches. I wish I could give her a home. I don't know anyone who could take her in besides bringing her to the rinky dinky animal shelter here. I know that's probably what I should do, but I don't know what will happen to her there.
I don't know what to do with her. I feel selfish keeping her around because I'm so smitten with her if I can't at least get her the proper care and bring her into our home.
A Midsummer Night's Nightmare
Last night, I had a nightmare within a nightmare. It was probably the most vivid dream I've ever had - and that's saying something because my dreams have always been extremely vivid. You know how in a lot of dreams, you are dreaming about someone who isn't you... but yet they are you in the dream? It was one of those. Except in this case, I had two dreams - specifically a nightmare within a nightmare.
It started off that the woman in the dream was at some sort of Christmas office party. Gifts were being given to the employees - a set of kitchen knives in some sort of small duffel bag. But as it turned out, the woman got fired at the party in front of everyone and she was really embarrassed. To make up for that, she caused a scene and said she was still taking her gift because she'd earned it. Somehow during the scene, she ends up passing out, which is when she begins to have a nightmare.
She finds herself in some sort of old cabin and in a long, flowing white nightgown. She walks past a door (which by the way, was totally the back door to Charlie's mom's side of the house. In fact, there were several rooms within the nightmare that were my own home). As she's walking past the door, she catches a glimpse of what is actually her reflection but she doesn't realize it at first because it's a man looking back at her. She runs from the door only to catch her reflection in a mirror and realizes it's her... except she looks at her hands and what she sees isn't what the reflection is showing.
As she wanders the house, she comes to a room and finds a man crying all alone. She startles him but it's soon somehow determined that they need to stick together because they aren't there to harm one another. They spend some time talking but I could never really make out what the subject was. Then they start hearing a voice - a sort of creepy, squeaky voice almost that of a child. They can't make out what the voice is saying so they begin to walk around the house trying to find it, fearing a child may be alone in the house.
They find the room that the voice is coming from. I don't really remember what the voice was saying, but it freaked the characters out. The man goes first and slowly opens the door. He walks in with the woman close behind him. There is no one in the room. It was a fairly large bedroom with very light pink walls, curtains and a bed. On the floor they found what appeared to be a large group of black wigs stuck together. It was just this mass of nappy looking hair spread out on the floor. They get closer and suddenly the voice stops. Then the mass of hair jumps up from the floor and lets out a huge scream and lunges at the woman.
The character is startled and starts to wake up from the nightmare. As she fights to wake up, so do I. I could feel her struggling and I tried to scream in my sleep. I felt the pressure of my lungs trying to scream out so someone in the house would wake me from the nightmare. Then my eyes shot open and I was awake, but I felt like someone was holding me down by my shoulders and keeping me from sitting up. It was another 30 seconds before I was completely awake and able to function.
I sat up in bed. My body hurt still. My throat felt like I had been screaming but neither Charlie nor his mom heard any screaming last night. I was asleep for approximately 20 minutes. I must have been on the very brim of REM sleep which is probably why I had such a hard time forcing myself awake. Whatever the reason, it was friggin scary. I've had much more abstract dreams but never one quite so vivid and real feeling. It was like I could touch things in the nightmare and knew what they felt like.
I managed to go back to sleep but I feel like crap today.
It started off that the woman in the dream was at some sort of Christmas office party. Gifts were being given to the employees - a set of kitchen knives in some sort of small duffel bag. But as it turned out, the woman got fired at the party in front of everyone and she was really embarrassed. To make up for that, she caused a scene and said she was still taking her gift because she'd earned it. Somehow during the scene, she ends up passing out, which is when she begins to have a nightmare.
She finds herself in some sort of old cabin and in a long, flowing white nightgown. She walks past a door (which by the way, was totally the back door to Charlie's mom's side of the house. In fact, there were several rooms within the nightmare that were my own home). As she's walking past the door, she catches a glimpse of what is actually her reflection but she doesn't realize it at first because it's a man looking back at her. She runs from the door only to catch her reflection in a mirror and realizes it's her... except she looks at her hands and what she sees isn't what the reflection is showing.
As she wanders the house, she comes to a room and finds a man crying all alone. She startles him but it's soon somehow determined that they need to stick together because they aren't there to harm one another. They spend some time talking but I could never really make out what the subject was. Then they start hearing a voice - a sort of creepy, squeaky voice almost that of a child. They can't make out what the voice is saying so they begin to walk around the house trying to find it, fearing a child may be alone in the house.
They find the room that the voice is coming from. I don't really remember what the voice was saying, but it freaked the characters out. The man goes first and slowly opens the door. He walks in with the woman close behind him. There is no one in the room. It was a fairly large bedroom with very light pink walls, curtains and a bed. On the floor they found what appeared to be a large group of black wigs stuck together. It was just this mass of nappy looking hair spread out on the floor. They get closer and suddenly the voice stops. Then the mass of hair jumps up from the floor and lets out a huge scream and lunges at the woman.
The character is startled and starts to wake up from the nightmare. As she fights to wake up, so do I. I could feel her struggling and I tried to scream in my sleep. I felt the pressure of my lungs trying to scream out so someone in the house would wake me from the nightmare. Then my eyes shot open and I was awake, but I felt like someone was holding me down by my shoulders and keeping me from sitting up. It was another 30 seconds before I was completely awake and able to function.
I sat up in bed. My body hurt still. My throat felt like I had been screaming but neither Charlie nor his mom heard any screaming last night. I was asleep for approximately 20 minutes. I must have been on the very brim of REM sleep which is probably why I had such a hard time forcing myself awake. Whatever the reason, it was friggin scary. I've had much more abstract dreams but never one quite so vivid and real feeling. It was like I could touch things in the nightmare and knew what they felt like.
I managed to go back to sleep but I feel like crap today.
