Talking Behind Your Children's Backs

The main focus of my blog surrounds my family. They [whoever "they" is] say to write about what you know... and what I know, is my family. But today I read a post by Mir Kamin [who's blog is fantastic and I really enjoy it] that really pulled me in and really made me sit back and question myself about the things I write in regards to my family.

Since I started this blog, my integrity has been repeatedly put under a legal microscope. Not everyone understands the internet. There are just some people who don't see blogging as a normal thing despite millions of people [especially moms!] across the globe doing it. And the even bigger challenge is trying to convince other people that it's perfectly normal to share your life, your family and most importantly - your children... with the world. And that is where this fantastic post by Mir comes in.

I will come out and lay this straight on the table. I believe that as a parent, I have the right to discuss my daughter and the happenings in her life. I believe that as her mother, I have every right to talk about her and what is going on in our lives. I believe that is my right until she comes of age where she is old enough to make choices on her own and ask me to stop. I don't know what age I think that is. It's really up to her. She could be 10, she could be 16 - who knows? But the point is that if she asks me to stop, I will. It's really that simple.

I'm not alone in this. I could easily link hundreds of blogs written by moms where they discuss their children and their daily lives. I'll use Mir as an example. She writes about her children and they are old enough to understand the concept of being written about. They are of school age and like most ALL children, they get into trouble, they bicker, they talk back. Suffice it to say - they are your typical children with plenty of drama, boo boos and time outs to go around. I completely agree with an incredible statement she made in her own blog that I can directly relate to.

Sometimes one of my kids is rotten and I come here and write about it and say, “Good lord, MY KID IS ROTTEN,” and I trust that 99.9% of you understand that while I am human and frustrated, I am also the person you’d need to go through to so much as look cross-eyed at said child, and chances are excellent that I would claw your eyes out before you got the chance.

Sometimes one of my kids is struggling and I come here and write about it and say, “This is hard and I am worried,” and I trust that 99.9% of you get what it’s like and understand that I’ve done my best to balance my need (for processing, for community, whatever) against my child’s needs (for privacy, for example).

Other times it’s too hard and too overwhelming and I say nothing, for a long time. And I begin to realize that I’m not just saying nothing HERE, I’m saying nothing to my friends. Nothing to my family. Nothing to anyone. I’m retreating and it starts to become a problem, not only because I’m not necessarily getting the support I need, but because in my desire to shield my child, I’ve actually done a disservice by not allowing others to understand what’s going on.

What an extraordinary post. I'm one of those 99.9%. I really do understand. That's the whole reason I started blogging publicly! I'm not here to smear my child's name. I'm not even here to smear the names of others. I'm just here to say something. I want to get things out in the open. I want to discover things about myself through my blogging that I'd otherwise never known. I know it works because I've been doing it for the past 6 years with a close-knit group of friends. How phenomenal is it that I have the chance to reach out and interact with other women across the world? - Many of which are going through the same thing I am.

But I will say this: There are some parents out there who lack any sense of discretion. There is a fine line between what is and isn't acceptable - especially when your children are older and require a greater sense of privacy. That is where the story about Julie Myerson comes into my post. Long story short - she wrote a newspaper column about her children for years and later a book in which she intimately discussed the details of her son's struggle with drugs. She lied to his face about being the author of the column and then smeared his name in her book. Big no no! I always want to be honest with Hailey and say "Yes, I wrote that about you." If she grows up and is upset by something I wrote, then hey... we can talk about it. But I truly believe that despite the fact that I don't always have the best judgment, I do exercise discretion when it comes to the lives of my family members - particularly my daughter.

Mir nails it again and says it best...

I happen to think it's okay to say less-than-glowing things about your children, sometimes, provided that 1) it's the exception rather than the rule, and 2) it would be impossible to read your words without it being overwhelmingly obvious that you are wildly in love with your subject.

The argument can be made that children play a part in our personal stories, and we can share them in that context and occasionally find them challenging or irritating and say so and it won't damage them that we shared that. It can be done. I know it can because hundreds (thousands?) of writers have successfully walked this line ahead of me and Myerson and everyone else. Can it be tricky? Absolutely. But can it be done? Yes, I believe it can.

When the love is uncertain -- or when trust is absent, as I think the story of Myerson lying to her children about her column demonstrates -- this balancing act falls down. Venting about a child in that circumstance offers only embarrassment and hurt, without the cushion of adoration to balance out the less savory bits.

I hope that in my writing it is clear just how absolutely infatuated I am with my daughter. I hope it's well understood that just because I write about certain unpleasantness in my life or make complaints, it doesn't mean I hate the world or am completely miserable. If I were, then every blog post would be a complete and depressing mess. I do hope that my writing doesn't always come across as gloomy.

I love my daughter and I want nothing but the absolute best for her. But there is also the call for doing what is best for me - which directly affects what is best for her. There is a time and a place for everything and I make sure I use the utmost discretion and determine when and where to discuss my child. I think it's something most blogging parents strive for.