Charlie and I got into a pretty big fight about an hour ago. I'm pretty upset about it. We pretty much never fight - maybe the occasional disagreement [who doesn't disagree at some point?] but nothing like this. This was... heartbreaking.
It's mostly my fault. I was really into what I was doing. Basically, I broke this blog and quite badly I might add. I was really upset, flustered and emotional over it. I was desperately trying to fix it when he started asking me why I was upset. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it and that I'd broken my blog. Except then he kept pushing, asking me no less than a minute later what it was I'd broken. I snapped at him and told him again that I didn't want to talk about it. But I got rather ugly. I'm not gonna lie and I'm not going to sugar-coat it. I gave him a very bad attitude and I'm pretty sure I cursed at him.
He got really upset and he yelled at me. He left the room and we continued to yell at each other from across the house. He told me to "keep pushing it" and I felt fire fill my eyes. I do not like to be challenged, threatened nor spoken to in that way. I spent 3 years letting my ex husband do that and Charlie of all people should know better than to use that kind of talk with me. I recall challenging him right back, asking what he "was going to do about it". But I grew tired of the pissing contest and I was beyond the level of my tolerance at that point so I simply I left my office and went into the bedroom and locked the door.
I didn't cry. I thought I was going to, but I was too mad to cry. I turned the TV on and I slouched back in bed. I began to weigh my options. I was mad enough to shower, get dressed to go out and walk out the door but then I remembered that I don't have a car of my own. I use his mom's car whenever I need to go places and I wouldn't feel right taking her car just because I was angry and wanted to drive for a little while. Then I realized I really didn't need to be wasting money on gas just because I was upset. So I just sat in my bedroom for a while longer, watching The Man in the Iron Mask [the one with Leonardo DiCaprio].
Eventually, I decided to slink out of my room to the kitchen. Charlie was sitting in the living room, eating and watching TV himself. I didn't look him in the eye - I simply walked past him. I was still too angry to speak to him. I went into the kitchen and poured myself some tea and walked back to my bedroom in silence - half hoping he'd be the one to say something first. But he didn't, and I closed the bedroom door and locked it behind me. I wrote Charlie a text message [3 actually] telling him that I loved him, was sorry but that I wouldn't accept him speaking to me that way. I don't know if he's even gotten it with our poor reception in this house, but he's not said a word. I stayed in my room for 15 minutes more until I was completely cooled off.
I needed to get the blog fixed. It was going to bother me so I went back through the living room and into my office. I got the blog fixed and here I sit. Charlie is still in the living room watching television. We've still not spoken. I feel this huge knot in my stomach and heart. We never fight like this. All of this over something incredibly stupid and because I was overly emotional. Sure, he's at fault too... but it really was my fault.
And now I'm even more pissed off because he left a MySpace status message of how he's "done trying. I am completely finished with everyone and everything" - whatever that's supposed to mean. He tends to say it a lot when he's angry and it can be in reference to anything he's angry at. But that's not the part that has me pissed off. It's that immediately, this girl rushes to his aid, asking him what's wrong because she wants to be there to try to suck her way back into his life.
Charlie was interested in this girl before he met me. He was for a long time and she dragged him around through the mud and played his heart repeatedly. She made her choice and she is with another guy now but I notice she tries to play on Charlie's emotions a lot - even since we've been married. It's so silly and I don't understand why she does it. She doesn't speak to him daily. She doesn't ask how he's doing. She doesn't care. She just wants to know the drama and to try to weasle her way in by using it.
Anyways... I'm going to go try to talk to him. I don't want to spend the whole day like this.
Edit: We both said our sorries. Apparently Charlie wasn't as mad as I thought and a lot of the yelling was because he went to get a piece of cake and ended up dropping the whole thing on the floor. Bye bye Anniversary Cake. :(
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