Am I a Bad Person?

Amazing how comments can spark new topics. Yesterday I got another anonymous comment on my post Emotional Roller Coaster basically telling me that they thought I was a bad person and the person that I portray is a real bitch. But then they said I apparently am a real person who has problems like everyone else. [By the way, I have killed turned off the ability to comment on my blogs anonymously.]

Do people really think I'm a bad person? Do I really come across that way? My persona doesn't change from website to website. I'm actually a very humble person struggling to get through life in one piece. I try to be helpful to anyone I can be - so long as I have the time and know how to do whatever it is needs helping with. Do I portray myself as knowledgeable and awesome on IMVU? Yes. I'm good at what I do there. That's not being a bitch or rude or mean. I do have a talent and I like to share it with people - and I have to if I plan to make any money. If I didn't think I was good at something, how on earth could I ever expect anyone else to think the same?

I really don't think I'm a bad person. I could list the reasons why but I think if I did, it would come off as too boastful and kind of rude. I have so much going on in my life and it's really hard. Some night I lay in bed trying to figure out how I'm going to make it through it all. If my frustration and stress comes through because of that... well, I think that's me showing that I'm only human.

Emotional Roller Coaster

One of my friends is clearly going through something. I have no idea what it is and I doubt she wants to tell me. It seems like any time I ask, I hardly get any details any ways so I don't think she really wants me to know - for whatever reason that may be. In fact, she's divulged more to my husband than me in the last six months.

It's not her fault, but I've had a hard time being her friend this year. I don't want anyone, including her to misunderstand that statement. Again, it's not her fault. It has to do with what I'm going through and the stressful events of my life. Maybe that's why she doesn't tell me things. I had a really hard time after Hailey was taken. She continued with the normal complaints of motherhood - things she had every right and reason to rant about. It wasn't her fault that I was hurting and she could never understand why it was hurting so much [nor would I ever want her to].

And again, she's clearly going through something. Her emotional roller coaster is getting to me in an odd way. It's made me want to shut her out again because I can't handle her ups and downs on top of my own. And that's not her fault - not in the least. But she's literally talking about how happy she is at 1pm and crying at 3pm. She goes from being on top of the world to saying her world has fallen to pieces and right back to superb without so much as skipping a beat. I can't handle it.

I don't really even know why it's bothering me so much. Perhaps because her and I share such very similar lives up until this year? Is it because I care so deeply that I feel excited for her when she's happy and sad for her when she's upset? It's causing me my own emotional roller coaster and I just cannot handle it. Lord knows I'm riding my own right now.

I've considered un-following her on Twitter so I don't have to read the literal up to the minute updates on her life. I don't want to seem like a bad friend. I really have my reasons. I don't want her to feel as if I'm not being supportive. I'd go to the end of the world to be supportive of this woman. But in order to do that, I need a concrete story - not snippets of life updates that go up and down at the drop of a hat. I'm very conflicted and I hope that should she read this, she understands my point of view and doesn't feel hurt.

Oh AT&T, Give Me a Break

The AT&T call center Charlie works for is cutting down its hours of operation. Starting September 13th, they will only be open until 11pm during the week, 2:30am on Saturdays and 12am on Sundays. They will also open later.

Fortunately, this won't affect how many hours Charlie works and he'll still work full time. However, it definitely ruins his hours. Right now, he works 6pm until 3am. We've always been able to get stuff done during the day if need be before he had to go to work and now we'll no longer really have that luxury.

This is but a step in the direction of closing the place completely. I'm really unhappy about it. We all know it's coming. Charlie has been putting applications in elsewhere but nothing seems to be biting. I hate where we live. I wish I could just pick us all up and make one big, drastic move elsewhere. But with the custody battle on-going and money being beyond the definition of tight, that will never happen.

Something big and good has to happen soon. I know it will. I can feel it and I have to stay positive about it.

Do You Want To Date My Avatar?

I have played this a hundred times today [that's no exaggeration as I have literally pressed repeat over and over since it was sent to me three hours ago]. Being that I'm not only a gamer at heart, but someone accustomed to guys going all ooglie booglie over my pretty avatar on IMVU and Second Life, I can't help but get a huge kick out of this video called "Do you want to date my avatar?"

Not only are the lyrics super catchy, but the video itself is a scream!

I Won My Money!

Last month, I was hacked - quite badly actually. One person gained access to my credit card information, personal e-mails and various accounts I have online. It was really scary. This person by finding out the password and information from just one account was able to use all of my accounts against one another to find out more and more information which lead them as far as having access to my Paypal account - and almost my bank account.

I was lucky. Very lucky. Whoever this guy was, he actually took the time out of his day of hacking to speak with me. He told me everything he'd gotten into. He left everything open so I could change my passwords and regain control over my online life. He told me exactly how he got to everything. It started with my Ripway.com account.

For several months, I'd used Ripway as the free hosting space for some minor web pages I wanted - before I chose to go the route of having my own, BIG hosting space LegendaryWears.com. But as fate would have it, I decided to spend a little money to up the daily bandwidth on my Ripway account until I had everything moved and dealt with. I then canceled my account and I never used it again.

As it turns out, Ripway does a poor job of keeping credit card and other personal information away from prying eyes. I was only too happy to be done with them by this point. That is until a few days ago, when I suddenly found myself $28 short in my bank account. Ripway had taken it for some annual fee. It's not much, but $28 is more than I can afford right now - especially on something I canceled and am no longer using. I immediately wrote to them and I was quite angry.

I canceled my account once before, but it looks like your company recently took $28.00 out of my bank account. I want my subscription to your service CANCELED IMMEDIATELY.

Not only was my information NOT safeguarded by your company, but I was recently hacked using credit card information not properly handled by your company and my identity stolen. If you do not immediately cancel my subscription, I will be at the bank on Monday morning having your charge removed from my account.

The web address associated with my account is [removed by me]
I'm not sure of what other information I can provide in regards to my account. This e-mail is the one connected to the account.

Guess they are used to be threatened and just cut their losses with me. I checked today and there is my $28 in all it's glory. Finally... something has gone right! I win!

I Need My Own Car

Charlie announced to me yesterday that his mother is pissed off at me. She's upset for good reason. I returned her car to her with hardly any gas. I should start by saying that I didn't do it on purpose. It's the first time I've ever done that to her [although she claims it's the second time] and I really didn't intend to leave her with no gas.

When I bring Hailey to her grandparents after visitation and drive back, I get home around 9:45 in the evening. It's dark by then and I'm not comfortable with gas stations after dark. They've always made me nervous and I think my fear of them is rational. I decided I would take her car Sunday morning and completely fill it - thus filling the tank with more gas than she'd given me to start with. But then I honestly completely forgot.

I'm upset that she's so mad at me. It was truly an honest mistake. It really is the first time I've done that. Who knows which one of Charlie's ex girlfriends she's getting me mixed up with - likely Jennifer since she does it so often. I think I have been very fair about the use of her car. I've taken good care of it. I almost always put more gas in it than it had when I borrowed it. And if I don't, I always at least put back in what I started with.

I wanted to be angry and say "Fine, I just won't borrow her car any more" and then I remembered... That's not an option. I have to have a car in order to pick up Hailey - and Charlie's truck isn't an option for someone like me. I'm legally blind in my right eye [as a reminder to those of you who haven't read the post in reference to this blog's name here]. I have to drive a small vehical. Can I drive Charlie's truck in an emergency? Sure! But it's very difficult for me and it's not something I should be doing often.

Of course then you would probably ask why Charlie can't get a smaller vehicle that we can both drive. Need I remind you that he's 6'8" tall? He doesn't even fit into his mother's car and I mean that literally. So we struggle with the fact that we can't afford another car right now for me. We can't get a smaller car so I can just share with him. Even if that were possible, he leaves for work while I am gone dropping off Hailey. So I have no choice - I have to borrow her car to make it all work.

I hate that I can't just get in the car and go. I don't know where the heck I think I'd go, but I hate not having the option. It feels like I haven't had that option in years. Oh wait... that's because I really haven't! My ex husband took away that freedom. He tricked me a hundred times over in our marriage. I wasn't ever allowed to take my own car and drive anywhere.

I had a fully paid off 2002 Ford Focus that I worked very hard for in high school. After Joe and I got married, he decided I needed a new car because I was pregnant with Hailey. We traded in my fully paid off car for a 2005 Suzuki Reno. I loved that car for the few months I was allowed to use it until Joe decided that I wasn't allowed to drive any more or go anywhere without him. It had 800 miles on it the week I left Joe. It was in his name since he told me it had to be for tax purposes. So he took it in the divorce [and then dropped 60k CASH on a brand new car for himself while keeping my poor Suzuki hostage].

So I don't even have a car for myself. I just cannot afford it. Maybe after Hailey is home and if Charlie gets a better job. Then I can get a job when Hailey is home and we can actually afford to have a few nice things. Until then, I guess I have to deal with his mom being pissed at me a lot over me using her car. *sigh*

Someone Called Me Fat Today

I received a comment today on my post Husband/Wife Association, basically to tell me how fat I am. Okay, so I realized that if I was going to write a public blog, the comments wouldn't always be so nice. But come on... calling me fat? Isn't that a bit childish?

I obviously realize I'm overweight. I have been my entire life.

Is it genetic? Absolutely.
Do I have an underlying problem causing my weight gain? Yes. Several.
Is it my fault I'm fat? The 8-ball says 'Very likely'.

I gained a lot of weight from my two pregnancies - weight that has just refused to fall off. I thought I was fat in high school. Pfft! Yeah right. I only wish I had that body again. I was still chubby, but I sure looked good compared to now. I've put on serious pounds since Hailey was born and I have most definitely put on weight this year since she's been away. It's called depression and my body is feeling it.

I need to get out more. I need more exercise. I eat fairly healthy. We don't fry foods in this house but maybe ocne every few months. We don't eat out - it costs too much anyways. We cook all of our food ourselves. We use good, quality ingredients - the best that poor people can afford anyways. We don't cook in butter or lard - we use very light amounts of olive oil. I eat appropriate portions and I pay close attention to the amount of food that goes into my mouth.

How dare anyone tell me to go on a diet - especially anonymously! That's just mean.

Charlie is the last person a comment like that should be directed at. He's 6'8" and that's no exaggeration. He suffers from gigantism. He had a tumor removed from his pituitary gland when he was a teenager. He used to weigh over 600 pounds! And ya know what? Through eating right, cooking all of his own food, portion control and eating less fatty foods, he lost over 200 pounds. That's a couple of people!

Next time you look at someone and you want to call them fat - or worse, you do it anonymously... know before you speak. I have a lot of psychical problems right now. I so much as look at food and I gain 5 pounds. I'm very sickly right now and fighting it. I have to wait until my coverage officially starts so I can go to the doctor to get the ball rolling and get some blood work done to see what we can do about it.

The Unknown DSS Worker

As I mentioned yesterday, I had a DSS Caseworker pop in on me at my home during my visitation with Hailey.

I finally got the verdict from all sides. No one knows who this woman is who came here - not my lawyer, not the Guardian Ad Litem and not Hailey's grandparent's lawyer. No one knows anything about a court date on September 3rd - in fact the opposing lawyer is busy with another case that week and his dates are protected.

So I apparently had some woman in my house this weekend that no one had heard of nor spoken to. She was here for a good 30 minutes or so. For all I know, she could have been casing my house for a robbery.

At least she thought the house was nice...

Visitation at its Best

Today was no less than heart wrenching [because really, who could resist that little face?]. It seems I'm on this weird mood cycle. I started noticing it last month - the wicked pattern of emotions I seem to be running.

The day of visitation I'm excited. I'm pumped and I'm ready to go! That feeling lasts until about 6pm when I realize I need to start getting Hailey ready to go back to her grandparents. By the time I make it to Charleston, I'm almost in tears. Once I see her driven away in their car, I break down every time. [Hell, I'm crying as I write this].

Days pass and for the first 4-5 days I'm okay. By 7-9, I'm great. After than I slowly begin to crumble. Two weeks lasts years these days to me. By the time I get to the evening before visitation, I'm an absolute disaster. I'm constantly crying. I think about Hailey constantly and all of this nonsense is eating away at me.

Thank God for my mother in law. I know sometimes she irritates me like every other person's mother in law, but deep down she's a really awesome lady and I'm very grateful for her. She knows how hard visitation days are for me. I came home and not only did she straighten up a bit, she has most of my laundry done and even changed the sheets on my bed and made it. It just doesn't get better than that.

At least now when I climb into bed tonight to bawl my eyes out, I can do so on some fresh linens. I know it isn't much to look at, but it's my bed and that makes it special. Ugh it looks so comfy - even just by looking at the picture. I think I shall have a swim in it shortly.


I'm so tired from today - emotionally, mentally, physically. Hailey had a fantastic time. We played hard, laughed hard. There was all sorts of jumping and dancing going on in this house. We ran around outside. We danced to music. We jumped on the bed [well she did anyways - could you imagine me doing that?]. We read books, watched Noggin and has nice naps. Lots of pictures were taken of said events.... Like these:

Watching Noggin. That smile lights rooms.

Miss Hailey-Mix-A-Lot playing with her music table.

Who doesn't love a good scream of laughter?

Worn out from the fun of it all.

Today's Random Visit from DSS

I just had a social worker randomly drop in on me because she knew I had Hailey today. When she arrived, Hailey and I were in her bedroom, sitting on the floor and reading the book we'd bought her at the aquarium. Charlie's mom comes in and announces that a caseworker is here.

Huh, what!? So I spring to my feet and close Hailey's baby gate behind me and gaze at my messy house. Okay.. it's not really messy, but like I still had my garbage bag of shoes sitting in the hall because I intend to give them to Charlie's niece and just don't have anything else to do with them right now. My bed wasn't made - because I got up at 5am and just didn't care to make it. Stuff like that.

I won't go into a lot of details because let's face it... I have no doubt that my ex husband and his family are reading this and the details are none of their business. It will suffice it to say that the meeting went extraordinarily well and I passed with flying colors. She didn't get to meet with or talk to Charlie, because naturally he was sleeping because he was up until 6 in the morning. Apparently this woman, whom my own lawyer has NEVER heard of nor spoke to, has the outcome of my psychological evaluation - something that I was told would be given to me first via the mail so I could look it over and ask questions before it was given to anyone else. Good news is that my lawyer at least has the evaluation as well and is going to mail it to me on Monday so I can take a look at it.

But here's the kicker...

This caseworker told me that my next court date is on September 3rd. First I've heard of this... first my lawyer has heard of this... first that Hailey's grandparent's lawyer has heard of it as well. In fact, his dates are protected September 2-16 because he is involved with another case. So it's definitely news to all of us. I don't know what the hell is going on, but at least I'm not the only person in the dark.

I wish I could go into more detail than that. I know I made a promise that I'd always share all but for the sake of my case, I think it's best that I don't for the time being. Sorry y'all!

To My Darling Daughter

When did you get so big? Just two weeks ago, you almost still looked like my baby. Now you're pushing the age of 3, already barely stuffed into your 3T clothing and size 7 1/2 shoes. At 36 inches tall you've only grown a mere 2 inches since January but you look completely different to me. Where the heck did that tan come from!? I could spend every day outside and I would never tan like that. Where did you get that ability from? It sure wasn't from me.

I look at you and I see this little girl now. You're forever my baby in my heart, but it's time for me to suck it up and admit it - you're all grown up now. You're truly a full fledged toddler. There is no going back to that little girl who slept in a crib, drank from a nuby sippy or needed mommy to do everything for her. Now you're helping me change you and dress you. You're running over to hold my hand so we can walk places together. You're climbing stairs, opening doors and feeding yourself and I can't change that as badly as I want to deep down.

I'm so incredibly proud of you. You have been through so much in the last year - a lot of it being my own fault. But you're still that strong, determined Hailey who loves life and wants nothing more than to jump and dance. Best of all, I know you still love me despite all of the times I didn't do my best. We could all learn a very big lesson from you. I know I still have a lot to learn. Let's make a trade. I'll be sure to teach you everything I know if you'll be sure to teach me everything you know. Deal?

I want you to know that no matter what happens this year, no matter how bad it is and no matter if things don't go the way we all hope and pray... I will be there for every moment no matter what it costs me and no matter how hard or how long I have to fight for it. Big or small, you can count on me to always deliver. I will continue to give up everything I own for the sake of making sure you never go without - until I have nothing left. And even then, I'll still make sure I find a way to assure you the best today and tomorrow possible.

It doesn't matter if you're 3 or 30, you'll always be my little girl - my baby Hailey. I love you.

Why I Hate AT&T

My husband Charlie works for AT&T's Wireless 411. Basically, people call in from their cell phones and they get an operator (Charlie, for example) and they give him the city, state and the person or company they want the number for. Sounds simple, right? Oh how very wrong you are. But I'll get more into that in a moment.

He is expected to maintain very specific numbers (we're talking down to the literal 10th of a second). He has to be at his desk with headphones on and computer running on time. His calls have to last under 26 seconds each. His breaks have to be timed exactly. There is no minute late. You can't even log back in 30 seconds early because it ruins your compliance percentage.

Every night, he's called horrible names by the customers. I don't just mean that the customers were rude... I mean they are downright cruel. It never fails that at least a dozen times per night, he's called the "N word" and pretty much everything but a kitchen sink. People scream at him, tell him he's stupid, that he should die because he's just a waste of air and the list sadly goes on and on. All of this over stuff like the following conversation:

"I'm sorry sir, I don't see a listing for [insert random pizza place here] in [insert random city and state here]. I do see a listing for it in [insert some other town very close by - likely the one the person is actually looking for]."
"No! That is NOT what I want. It's in [insert city the customer swears it's in] and I'm standing right in front of it!"

Are you serious? People do this all the damn time! Sometimes they even claim that another operator gave them the number, so they know the number exists. Well why the hell didn't you write it down the first time you idiot!?

That's just a mere taste of what he deals with every night from 6pm until 3am. He takes approximately 1,200 calls in a shift. AT&T makes $1.99 PER CALL. That means, the customer dialing the number actually gets charged $1.99 on their phone bill for calling 411.

Charlie makes $8.34/hour doing this job. For a state like South Carolina, that's sadly considered the standard of half-decent pay. For what he does... Not nearly enough. Sure, he gets to sit in a room on his behind and sit on the telephone. It sounds easy, but on more than one occasion, that man... my 6'8" big man of a husband... has come home in tears because he's been yelled at and mistreated by customers for 8 hours. So AT&T makes about $2,400 off of Charlie while before taxes, before union fees and before cost of the health insurance and anything else I'm not thinking of, Charlie makes about $67. That's just not right.

Looking past the fact that he is grossly underpaid... the company is constantly doing fundraisers for stupid crap. Okay, I'll admit... there was that one fundraiser for Autism Awareness but I didn't attend and honestly I'm not sure if it even happened. But the rest of these fundraisers have been towards the same thing every time. I have now heard of like 5 fundraisers for a Wii. No joke... the particular call center Charlie works for is trying to earn money to put a Wii in the break room. I don't even own a Wii and I'll be damned if I am going to spend my money so these people can play games during work!

And if there isn't a fund raiser going on, it's a company potluck during work hours. Everyone is expected to bring in a dish of food for everyone to share or provide money for food. Except Charlie works the late shift. When he goes into work at 6pm, the food has been sitting there all day and it cold and nasty. That's not right. Besides, I have enough trouble putting food on the table for my own family - why on earth would I pay money to feed these other people!?

The worst part is, if you even breath wrong you are fired. It's damn near impossible to get promoted in this place. Charlie was out of work a few times. One of those times it was because he was suffering from a potential brain aneurysm [I caused it.. long, hilarious story] and he had a migraine for a whole month. He had to get a cat scan and all sorts of things. He was out of work for a WEEK and had a doctor's note. Doesn't matter - it's on his permanent record for the next like 7 years with them. He can't get promoted now.

I really hate that place. It's a dead end job. It doesn't pay much. The work is emotionally draining. I don't even work for them and it stresses me out so I can't even imagine how Charlie must be feeling!

Life in Limbo

It's been a crazy day for me. I got a phone call from my lawyer's secretary to let me know that my lawyer wanted another face-to-face. It always makes me so nervous when she wants us to have a meeting although in the end, I always leave these feeling better about everything.

But then Charlie brings up the bills. I realize we're adults and it's something we have to talk about, but it's such a touchy subject these days. I know I'm falling short lately - and by a lot. I need a "real" job but I just can't see how that is going to work out. If Hailey were home, it would be plausible. But with her not here, I can't work on weekends and no one is going to hire me over someone else who is willing to do that. And even if I were able to get a job likely working minimum wage and busting my ass, it would also mean that I wouldn't have as much time for the work I do online - which means it'll all fall to pieces and I'll end up having just as much income in the end for twice the amount of work.

I don't know what to do any more. I just keep working hard and hoping it pays off in the end. I wake up every day hoping that somehow, my sales have picked up and I'm making more money again. But they don't. In fact they are lower than ever.

I have just enough money right now to pay for child support and the cell phone bill. I used to cover the cable bill and part of food, rent.. everything. But the last couple of months have been really bad for me sales wise. It's so disheartening. I have to ask Charlie for gas money just so I can go get Hailey this weekend - and he's no better off than I am since he's having to pick up my financial slack.

I hope this next meeting with my lawyer is a good one. I hope that somehow, it means everything is going to be alright and that we're in the home stretch. I want my daughter home. I want to stop giving money to people who make 3 times as much as my husband and I combined. I want to wake up every day knowing Hailey is in her bedroom - probably up and playing with her toys. I want to know that the money I make is going directly to caring for her and not just in someone else's pocket. I want my life to get out of limbo. I want a "real" job. I want to go back to school. I want to be able to spend weekends at home with my family and it not have to involve spending a bunch of money on gas or doing hours worth of driving to make it happen.

When will life go back to normal?

It Won't Be Like This For Long

Thing song hits me hard in a million ways. I sat listening to it with tears absolutely pouring down my face. My husband played it for me yesterday - and it was bad enough that I was missing Hailey more than I do day to day.



Losing Hailey made me realize how much I took her for granted - everything about her from her laughs, her smiles and even the moments when she misbehaved. I didn't realize just how much I had until it wasn't there. I really hate myself for that.

I'll never forget the first time I got to hold her after that horrible day in court. I held her tighter than ever, breathed her in so deeply and cried - because she didn't even smell like my baby any more. The light had left her eyes and this cold, lost Hailey was staring back at me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. And even when she did things she shouldn't or misbehaved... I couldn't even get mad. I was just so happy to be apart of it.

I'm thankful that I was given this chance in some ways. I've never appreciated my daughter more than I do now. I've never known more that being her mommy is what I was meant to do with my life. I never realized just how good I really had it and how truly blessed I was until in a blink, it was all gone. And when I see other women with their kids and they are yelling at them or getting frustrated and angry, I wonder if they realize just how much they really love their children deep down or if they have any idea what it would feel like to not have them anymore. I wonder if they have any clue just how bad things could really be or how lost they could become.

So I listen to this song and it reminds me that not only am I missing out on everything going on with Hailey today, but those are memories I can never get back. I can't push the clock back to January 13th and start over like nothing happened. When Hailey is given back, I have to start from where she left off and try desperately to create new memories that can never replace the ones I missed.

I encourage you to look at your children. Remember all those times you complained about the terrible 2's or 3's? Remember when you said "I can't wait until s/he is out of that phase" or complained about your hormonal teenagers? Please try to remember It won't be like this for long.

Lyrics:
He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long
It won’t be like this for long

My Crazy Body

I think it's time I go to the doctor... like NOW.

I've had a very long, on-going battle with my body. I can't remember the last time everything was operating in the way that it should. Oh wait.. yes I can.

Before Hailey was born.

Don't get me wrong - it's not her fault my body is out of whack. It's just a series of events that have caused me to get worse as time has gone on. I should start off by saying that I once suffered from PCOS [Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome] but have since recovered [I think anyways. Least I'm no longer in pain.] I was diagnosed at the age of 15, told I'd either have trouble conceiving or worse, never have any children at all [guess I disproved that theory]. My periods were really crazy during high school. I'd have one for weeks - sometimes months. Most of it was spent in agonizing pain that to this day, I consider more painful than labor [seriously, labor is a joke compared to that].

Then I got pregnant with Christopher. It was the first time in my life that I'd gone so long without the pain [and ironically replaced it with a new kind of pain haha]. But after he was born, I never again had issues with my cycle. I didn't get the horrible cramps any more and beyond the regular gripes about it, I really didn't have any problems with my period any more.

But then of course, I get pregnant with Hailey. About 48 hours [actually, I think it was a little less than that] after giving birth to Hailey, I was given the Depo Provera shot [for those of you who don't know what this is, it's the birth control shot]. I wasn't given a lot of information about it and being that I'm not a doctor, I didn't realize there was a lot more to this shot that I needed to know [like the fact that it shouldn't have been administered to me until Hailey was at least 6 weeks old to give me time to get a good milk production going]. Like so many people I know, I just wanted a form of birth control that I didn't have to think about. I'd been on a low dose birth control for YEARS due to my PCOS so I was pretty sick of taking pill after pill. I had the option of the patch, the pill, or the shot. Of course my natural instinct was to take the shot.

So months pass. I don't immediately get my period, but I've been through all of this before so I don't worry about it. It can take a few months before your body regulates after pregnancy. It's gonna sound crazy, but thanks to MyMonthlyCycles.com I actually have some of my periods from after Hailey was born, recorded on a calendar. I know, that's crazy.

So I get my first period on February 11, 2007. It's about as normal as it gets. But then I completely skip March and don't get another another April 24th. It lasts for 7 days. Then I get another on May 9th. Are you kidding me? This is when the problems really start for me.

• June 6th
• June 18th
• June 27th
• July 10th

Four separate periods - same month [plus July]. Each last 4-7 days, stop for a few days and then start again with a vengeance.

I go to the doctor in July 2007. I've had enough of them telling me to "wait and see what my body does". I know what it's doing [and most certainly what it's not]. I get a ton of blood drawn for testing - pregnancy, fertility panel, hormones and all sorts of stuff. They tell me I'm fine. They tell me again to wait and see what my body does. It's important to mention that the depo shot only lasts like 3 months and you have to get a new one. So in March, I should have gotten a new shot. I didn't based on how badly my body was reacting to it. So we're talking MONTHS my body has been off it by now.

Then we get...

• August 16th
• September 24th
• October 10th
• October 26th

So it looks like my body is trying to regulate itself but it's having a hard time. And then my periods STOP. I don't get a period again for the rest of 2007 and for all of 2008. [Believe me, I spent a lot of money on pregnancy tests that year.]

Switching gears... I have gained a lot of weight in the last two years. A lot of it is because I sit on my butt too much. A lot of it is because I don't exercise enough. A good portion of it is from stress. I don't doubt that my physical changes involve the Depo shot and I don't doubt that in some ways, it doesn't. I imagine there are a lot of complicated reasons for my problems. I have no doubt that they have all bounced off one another.

March 31, 2009 - I got my first period in ages [seriously.. since October 2007 so about a year and a half]. Ironically, this was also the day I went in to have my divorce from Joe finalized. I'm standing in the court room and I start to feel funny. Court ends and the divorce is final. I'm SO happy, SO relieved and I guess my body was too. I nearly destroyed my tan pants. [ew that's nasty.. sorry]

Anyways...

My body has been crazy since then. I haven't had a period since and no I'm not pregnant. But what really concerns me is the dizzy spells I've been having and the blood pressure problems. I get excited or upset and my knees buckle. Charlie has caught me from hitting the floor on numerous occasions. I don't doubt my sudden weight gain has something to do with it.

Just this week, I've begun experiencing weird head aches. Okay, they aren't really painful. My brain feels like it's swimming in water - like it's not getting enough oxygen or something. My eyeballs feel like someone is squeezing them. It's all just a weird pressure in my head and it has me very worried - enough that I'm actually considering going to the emergency room today if this Tylenol doesn't do something for it.

I need to be looked at. I need at least a general checkup and I need a new gynecologist. I haven't even seen one since July 2007 and there is just no excuse for that [except that my ex husband was a controlling asshole who didn't allow me to renew my military ID so I could go to the doctor].

Why We Sleep Apart

I spent the last few hours enjoying what sleep I could manage next to my husband. You read that correctly. I mean Charlie and I normally don't sleep in the same bed.

It started off with the whole custody battle issue. South Carolina law said I couldn't have overnight guests of the male variety. No problem. We actually live in a duplex [it's more like a house, with a mother in law attachment] so I literally put up a couple of temporary walls and sealed the two sides off from one another. Each "house" already had it's own address anyways and Charlie and I signed separate leasing agreements. Problem solved. Charlie would go to his mom's house and sleep there at night in his own bed.

Then we got married and I immediately took down one of the walls - specifically the one that links his bedroom to my office [the bedroom he's using used to be Hailey's and in time, it'll be converted into Hailey's new play room]. Except... Charlie still sleeps in there 99% of nights.

Charlie and I are both big people. I'm overweight and he's literally 6 feet, 8 inches tall. Sleeping comfortably in a "full" size bed only lasts for so long - usually no more than a few hours. In order to have enough room for us to both sleep, we need at least a "queen" sized bed [and I could argue that a "king" size would be more appropriate]. The bed Charlie sleeps in is a "full" and he's been sleeping in it for most of his life. I'm fairly certain this bed is older than I am. The bed I sleep in is a "queen" but we've attempted to sleep in this bed together [which I know it really is older than I am] and we both wake up in a ton of pain when we do.

I guess we've found it easier to just sleep in separate beds although we do plan to move his bed into my bedroom once it's finally painted. It's kind of silly to me, but what else are we going to do? It's not like we can afford a new bed right now. I'm sure it's probably not good for one's marriage for the spouses to sleep apart from each other. I've had experience with that due to my previous marriage. I just don't see what else we can do.

I'm really worried about moving Charlie in my room. Just a few minutes ago, he was snoring and I tried so hard to ignore it. I can't. It's a big trigger for me. I cannot handle that sound. My ex husband has sleep apnea and he snored loudly and we couldn't sleep together. I had to hear snoring at any hour of the day. I went days without sleep because of his snoring. So I just cannot handle it when Charlie snores. It's rare... but it sends me completely over the top. I know that at least right now, I can go to my room if he's snoring and sleep comfortably in there by myself.

We really need a new bed. Why must something as basic as a bed be so expensive?

My Little... Obsession

If you're reading this blog, it's important to know about my little.... obsession.

My mother in law [of all people] got me hooked on my little.... obsession. She raved about it to Charlie and I for months until we cracked. I even remember I had to be coerced into it because the whole idea just didn't appeal to me. I mean, what could be so great that my mother in law [again, of all people] felt I just had to be apart of?

For me, it all started with movies like Underworld which later progressed to Twilight. But I needed more. Much more. Don't get me wrong. I love Twilight. I think it's a great movie and I'm excited for November when New Moon comes out. Having said that, I feel it's very geared towards hormonal teenagers [and let's face it. that's the way it should be]. But I my love of those particular movies and their genres is what really laid the foundation of my little... obsession.

You're just dying to know what it is, aren't you? Right now, I imagine you're on the edge of your seat. You're reading each line as quickly as possible so that you may come to the conclusion. You want to know what my little... obsession is.

Oh it's good. Real good. I'm obsessed with it - no statement can be more True. I attest to it with every drop of Blood in my body. It even makes me want to Do Bad Things With You. Oh yes. That's right. I'm talking about...

Sundays are THE night for TV in this house. I don't accept phone calls between the hours of 8:55pm and midnight if Charlie is home. Why? Because we're glued to the television. Course, we watch other things too but True Blood is the one show I look forward too every week.

If Charlie isn't home, we record True Blood with the DVR. If it doesn't record [which happens a lot lately thus pissing me off] we watch it On Demand at midnight when it gets added to the HBO On Demand list.

True Blood is sort of like Twilight - but very much for adults. There is more to it than vampires - lots of other "beings" exist on the show in fact. But in a lot of ways, the story is pretty much the same. Vampire falls in love with human and swears to protect her.. blah blah blah. Expect then there is a lot of sex and Anna Paquin [You'll remember her as Rogue in X-Men] gets naked... a lot.

What is 230?

This question has been haunting my husband and I for days!

It all started while he was playing a game. He saw an advertisement for "230" and it's only come on more frequently as the days have passed. I tried Googling for the answer but honestly, the more you try to find out about it, the more it will drive you crazy.

Ya see.. no one really knows what it is and despite the advertisements looking like the picture you see to the left [I'm guessing we'll know the answer on August 8th?] we aren't really even sure if the 8-11 means August 11th or August 2011! [I dunno about you, but I will go insane if I have to wait until 2011 to find out what's going on.]

I found what I believe is the website associated with the advertisement, but like everything else, it asks the same question... WhatIs230.com! I've found no solid proof as to what this is all about. I've heard claims about it having something to do with General Motor's Cheverolet Volt which is due out in 2011. WhatIs230.blogspot.com is a good place to go for information... I think.

Being big into marketing myself, I at first thought that this was a fantastic advertisement. I know it got my attention and it's clearly gotten the attention of others as well. But then as the days have gone by, it's honestly gotten a little creepy. Now when the ad comes on, I picture the smiling outlet with horns and the jingle that plays with the ad certainly isn't helping.

Watch this to get the full effect. You'll see what I mean!

I Hate Arguments

Charlie and I got into a pretty big fight about an hour ago. I'm pretty upset about it. We pretty much never fight - maybe the occasional disagreement [who doesn't disagree at some point?] but nothing like this. This was... heartbreaking.

It's mostly my fault. I was really into what I was doing. Basically, I broke this blog and quite badly I might add. I was really upset, flustered and emotional over it. I was desperately trying to fix it when he started asking me why I was upset. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it and that I'd broken my blog. Except then he kept pushing, asking me no less than a minute later what it was I'd broken. I snapped at him and told him again that I didn't want to talk about it. But I got rather ugly. I'm not gonna lie and I'm not going to sugar-coat it. I gave him a very bad attitude and I'm pretty sure I cursed at him.

He got really upset and he yelled at me. He left the room and we continued to yell at each other from across the house. He told me to "keep pushing it" and I felt fire fill my eyes. I do not like to be challenged, threatened nor spoken to in that way. I spent 3 years letting my ex husband do that and Charlie of all people should know better than to use that kind of talk with me. I recall challenging him right back, asking what he "was going to do about it". But I grew tired of the pissing contest and I was beyond the level of my tolerance at that point so I simply I left my office and went into the bedroom and locked the door.

I didn't cry. I thought I was going to, but I was too mad to cry. I turned the TV on and I slouched back in bed. I began to weigh my options. I was mad enough to shower, get dressed to go out and walk out the door but then I remembered that I don't have a car of my own. I use his mom's car whenever I need to go places and I wouldn't feel right taking her car just because I was angry and wanted to drive for a little while. Then I realized I really didn't need to be wasting money on gas just because I was upset. So I just sat in my bedroom for a while longer, watching The Man in the Iron Mask [the one with Leonardo DiCaprio].

Eventually, I decided to slink out of my room to the kitchen. Charlie was sitting in the living room, eating and watching TV himself. I didn't look him in the eye - I simply walked past him. I was still too angry to speak to him. I went into the kitchen and poured myself some tea and walked back to my bedroom in silence - half hoping he'd be the one to say something first. But he didn't, and I closed the bedroom door and locked it behind me. I wrote Charlie a text message [3 actually] telling him that I loved him, was sorry but that I wouldn't accept him speaking to me that way. I don't know if he's even gotten it with our poor reception in this house, but he's not said a word. I stayed in my room for 15 minutes more until I was completely cooled off.

I needed to get the blog fixed. It was going to bother me so I went back through the living room and into my office. I got the blog fixed and here I sit. Charlie is still in the living room watching television. We've still not spoken. I feel this huge knot in my stomach and heart. We never fight like this. All of this over something incredibly stupid and because I was overly emotional. Sure, he's at fault too... but it really was my fault.

And now I'm even more pissed off because he left a MySpace status message of how he's "done trying. I am completely finished with everyone and everything" - whatever that's supposed to mean. He tends to say it a lot when he's angry and it can be in reference to anything he's angry at. But that's not the part that has me pissed off. It's that immediately, this girl rushes to his aid, asking him what's wrong because she wants to be there to try to suck her way back into his life.

Charlie was interested in this girl before he met me. He was for a long time and she dragged him around through the mud and played his heart repeatedly. She made her choice and she is with another guy now but I notice she tries to play on Charlie's emotions a lot - even since we've been married. It's so silly and I don't understand why she does it. She doesn't speak to him daily. She doesn't ask how he's doing. She doesn't care. She just wants to know the drama and to try to weasle her way in by using it.

Anyways... I'm going to go try to talk to him. I don't want to spend the whole day like this.

Edit: We both said our sorries. Apparently Charlie wasn't as mad as I thought and a lot of the yelling was because he went to get a piece of cake and ended up dropping the whole thing on the floor. Bye bye Anniversary Cake. :(

Twibbon for Twitter

I know a lot of people use Twitter - including many blogging moms who's children have Autism. Well there is a website called Twibbon where you can create an image to be layered over your Twitter picture in support of a cause. Naturally, I chose to make an Autism Awareness twibbon [which you can see to the left.]

I earn nothing for you supporting this cause except for the awareness it spreads. I hope that you will check it out and support me in my endeavors. You can get the Autism Awareness twibbon by clicking this link.